LoveisaFallacy原文.docx

LoveisaFallacy原文.docx

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LoveisaFallacy原文

LoveisaFallacy

MaxShulman

1CharlesLamb,asmerryandenterprisingamonthofSundays

afellowasyouwillmeetinamonthofSundays,unfetteredtheinformal

essaywithhismemorableOldChinaandDream'sChildren.TherefollowsaninformalessaythatventuresevenbeyondLamb'sfrontier,indeed,"informal"maynotbequitetherightwordtodescribethisessay;"limp"or"flaccid"orpossibly"spongy"areperhapsmoreappropriate.

2Vaguethoughitscategory,itiswithoutdoubtanessay.Itdevelopsanargument;itcitesinstances;itreachesaconclusion.CouldCarlyledo

more?

CouldRuskin?

3Read,then,thefollowingessaywhichundertakestodemonstratethatlogic,farfrombeingadry,pedanticdiscipline,isaliving,breathing

thing,fullofbeauty,passion,andtrauma--Author'sNote

4CoolwasIandlogical.Keen,calculating,perspicacious,acuteandastute--Iwasallofthese.Mybrainwasaspowerfulasadynamo,aspreciseasachemist'sscales,aspenetratingasascalpel.

And--thinkofit!

--Iwasonlyeighteen.

5Itisnotoftenthatonesoyounghassuchagiantintellect.Take,forexample,PeteyButch,myroommateattheUniversityofMinnesota.Sameage,samebackground,butdumbasanox.Aniceenoughyoungfellow,youunderstand,butnothingupstairs.Emotionaltype.Unstable.Impressionable.Worstofall,afaddist.Fads,Isubmit,arethevery

negationofreason.Tobesweptupineverynewcrazethatcomesalong,tosurrenderyourselftoidiocyjustbecauseeverybodyelseisdoingit--this,tome,istheacmeofmindlessness.Not,however,toPetey.

6OneafternoonIfoundPeteylyingonhisbedwithanexpressionofsuchdistressonhisfacethatIimmediatelydiagnosedappendicitis.

"Don'tmove,"Isaid."Don'ttakealaxative.I'llgetadoctor."

7"Raccoon,"hemumbledthickly.

8"Raccoon?

"Isaid,pausinginmyflight.

9"1wantaraccooncoat,"hewailed.

10Iperceivedthathistroublewasnotphysical,butmental."Whydoyouwantaraccooncoat?

"

11"1shouldhaveknownit,"hecried,poundinghistemples."1shouldhaveknownthey'dcomebackwhentheCharlestoncameback.

LikeafoolIspentallmymoneyfortextbooks,andnowIcan'tgetaraccooncoat."

12"Canyoumean."Isaidincredulously,"thatpeopleareactuallywearingraccooncoatsagain?

"

13"AlltheBigMenonCampusarewearingthem.Where'veyoubeen?

"

14"Inthelibrary,"Isaid,namingaplacenotfrequentedbyBigMen

onCampus

15Heleapedfromthebedandpacedtheroom,"I'vegottohavearaccooncoat,"hesaidpassionately."I'vegotto!

"

16"Petey,why?

Lookatitrationally.Raccooncoatsareunsanitary.Theyshed.Theysmellbad.Theyweighttoomuch.They'reunsightly.They--"

17"Youdon'tunderstand,"heinterruptedimpatiently."It'sthethingtodo.Don'tyouwanttobeintheswim?

"

18"No,"Isaidtruthfully.

19"Well,Ido,"hedeclared."I'dgiveanythingforaraccooncoat.Anything!

"

20Mybrain,thatprecisioninstrument,slippedintohighgear.

"Anything?

"Iasked,lookingathimnarrowly.

21"Anything,"heaffirmedinringingtones.

22Istrokedmychinthoughtfully.ItsohappenedthatIknewwheretosetmyhandsonaraccooncoat.Myfatherhadhadoneinhisundergraduatedays;itlaynowinatrunkintheatticbackhome.ItalsohappenedthatPeteyhadsomethingIwanted.Hedidn'thaveitexactly,butatleasthehadfirstrightsonit.Irefertohisgirl,PollyEspy.

23IhadlongcovetedPollyEspy.Letmeemphasizethatmydesire

forthisyoungwomanwasnotemotionalinnature.Shewas,tobesure,agirlwhoexcitedtheemotionsbutIwasnotonetoletmyheartrulemy

head.IwantedPollyforashrewdlycalculated,entirelycerebralreason.

24Iwasafreshmaninlawschool.InafewyearsIwouldbeoutinpractice.Iwaswellawareoftheimportanceoftherightkindofwifeinfurtheringalawyer'scareer.ThesuccessfullawyersIhadobservedwere,almostwithoutexception,marriedtobeautiful,gracious,intelligentwomen.Withoneomission,Pollyfittedthesespecificationsperfectly.

25Beautifulshewas.Shewasnotyetofpin-upproportionsbutI

feltsurethattimewouldsupplythelackShealreadyhadthemakings.

26Graciousshewas.BygraciousImeanfullofgraces.Shehadanerectnessofcarriage,aneaseofbearing,apoisethatclearlyindicatedthebestofbreeding,Attablehermannerswereexquisite.IhadseenherattheKozyKampusKornereatingthespecialtyofthehouse--asandwichthatcontainedscrapsofpotroast,gravy,choppednuts,andadipperof

sauerkraut--withoutevengettingherfingersmoist.

27Intelligentshewasnot.infact,sheveeredintheoppositedirection.ButIbelievedthatundermyguidanceshewouldsmartenup.

Atanyrate,itwasworthatry.Itis,afterall,easiertomakeabeautifuldumbgirlsmartthantomakeanuglysmartgirlbeautiful.

28"Petey,"Isaid,"areyouin