美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南.docx

美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南.docx

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美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南

美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南·奥布莱恩为2011年达特茅斯学院做了毕业致辞。

前半部分有很多搞笑串场，后半部分柯南跟大家分享了自己的经历和人生经验：

正是那些既定想法的失败，才使我们成为独一无二的人！

以下是演讲全文：

I'vebeenlivinginLosAngelesfortwoyears,andI'veneverbeenthiscoldinmylife.Iwillpayanyonehere$300forGORE-TEXgloves.Anybody.I'mserious.Ihavethecash.

BeforeIbegin,ImustpointoutthatbehindmesitsahighlyadmiredPresidentoftheUnitedStatesanddecoratedwarherowhileI,acabletelevisiontalkshowhost,hasbeenchosentostandhereandimpartwisdom.IprayIneverwitnessamoredamningexampleofwhatiswrongwithAmericatoday.

Graduates,faculty,parents,relatives,undergraduates,andoldpeoplethatjustcometothesethings:

GoodmorningandcongratulationstotheDartmouthClassof2011.Today,youhaveachievedsomethingspecial,somethingonly92percentofAmericansyouragewilleverknow:

acollegediploma.That’sright,withyourcollegediplomayounowhaveacrushingadvantageover8percentoftheworkforce.I'mtalkingaboutdropoutloserslikeBillGates,SteveJobs,andMarkZuckerberg.Incidentally,speakingofMr.Zuckerberg,onlyatHarvardwouldsomeonehavetoinventamassivesocialnetworkjusttotalkwithsomeoneinthenextroom.

Myfirstjobasyourcommencementspeakeristoillustratethatlifeisnotfair.Forexample,youhaveworkedtirelesslyforfouryearstoearnthediplomayou’llbereceivingthisweekend.

Thatwasgreat.

AndDartmouthisgivingmethesamedegreeforinterviewingthefourthleadinTwilight.Dealwithit.Anotherexamplethatlifeisnotfair:

ifitdoesrain,thepowerfulrichpeopleonstagegetthetent.Dealwithit.

IwouldliketothankPresidentKimforinvitingmeheretoday.AftermyphonecallwithPresidentKim,Idecidedtofindoutalittlebitabouttheman.HegoesbyPresidentKimandDr.Kim.Tohisfriends,he'sJimKim,JtotheK,SpecialK,JKRowling,theJustKiddingKimster,andmostpuzzling,"StinkyPete."HeservedasthechairoftheDepartmentofGlobalHealthandSocialMedicineatHarvardMedicalSchool,spearheadedataskforcefortheWorldHealthOrganizationonGlobalHealthInitiatives,wonaMacArthurGeniusGrant,andwasoneofTIMEMagazine's100MostInfluentialPeoplein2006.GoodGod,man,whatthehellareyoucompensatingfor?

Seriously.Wegetit.You'resmart.BythewayDr.Kim,youwerebroughttoDartmouthtolead,andasaworld-classanthropologist,youwerealsohiredtofigureoutwhyeachofthesegraduatingstudentsranaroundabonfire111times.

ButIthankyouforinvitingmehere,StinkyPete,anditisanhonor.Thoughsomeofyoumayseemeasacelebrity,youshouldknowthatIoncesatwhereyousit.Literally.LatelastnightIsnuckouthereandsatineveryseat.Ididittoproveapoint:

IamnotbrightandIhavealotoffreetime.

ButthisisawonderfuloccasionanditisgreattobehereinNewHampshire,whereIamgettinganhonorarydegreeandallthelegalfireworksIcanfitinthetrunkofmycar.

Youknow,NewHampshireissuchaspecialplace.WhenIarrivedItookadeepbreathofthiscrispNewEnglandairandthought,"Wow,I'minthestatethat'snexttothestatewhereBenandJerry'sicecreamismade."

Butdon'tgetmewrong,Itakemytasktodayveryseriously.WhenIgotthecalltwomonthsagotobeyourspeaker,Idecidedtopreparewiththesameintensitymanyofyouhavedevotedtoanimportanttermpaper.Solatelastnight,Ibegan.IdranktwocansofRedBull,snortedsomeAdderall,playedafewhoursofCallofDuty,andthenopenedmybrowser.IthinkWikipediaputitbestwhentheysaid"DartmouthCollegeisaprivateIvyLeagueUniversityinHanover,NewHampshire,UnitedStates."Thankyouandgoodluck.

Tocommunicatewithyoustudentstoday,Ihavegonetogreatlengthstobecomewell-versedinyouruniquelinguisticpatterns.Infact,justthismorningIleftBakerBerrywithmytripeeBarrytoeataBillyBobattheBemawhenmyflitztoFrancescawasBlitzjackedbysomed-bagonhisFSP.

Yes,I'vedonemyresearch.ThiscollegewasnamedaftertheSecondEarlofDartmouth,agoodfriendoftheThirdEarlofUCSantaCruzandtheDukeoftheBarbizonSchoolofBeauty.Yourschoolmottois"Voxclamantisindeserto,"whichmeans"Voicecryingoutinthewilderness."ThisiseasilythemostpatheticschoolmottoIhaveeverheard.Apparently,itnarrowlybeatout"SilentlyWeepinginThickShrub"and"WhimperinginMoistLeaveswithoutPants."Yourschoolcolorisgreen,andthiscolorwaschosenbyFrederickMatherin1867because,andthisistrue—Ilookeditup—"itwastheonlycolorthathadnotbeentakenalready."Icannotrememberhearinganythingsosad.Dartmouth,youhaveaninferioritycomplex,andyoushouldnot.YouhavegraduatedmoregreatfictitiousAmericansthananyothercollege.MeredithGreyofGrey'sAnatomy.PeteCampbellfromMadMen.MichaelCorleonefromTheGodfather.Infact,Ilookforwardtonextyears'ValedictoryAddressbyyouresteemedclassmate,CountChocula.Ofcourse,yourgreatestfictitiousgraduateisTreasurySecretaryTimothyGeithner.Man,canyouimagineifarealTreasurySecretarymadethosekindsofdecisions?

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.NowIknowwhatyou'regoingtosay,Dartmouth,you'regoingtosay,well"We'vegotDr.Seuss."Wellguesswhat,we'realltiredofhearingaboutDr.Seuss.Faceit:

Themanrhymedfafloozlewithsaznoozle.Intheliterarycommunity,that'scalledcheating.

Yourinsecurityissogreat,Dartmouth,thatyoudon'teventhinkyoudeservearealpodium.I'msorry.Whatthehellisthisthing?

ItlookslikeyoustoleitfromthesetofSurvivor:

NovaScotia.Seriously,itlookslikesomethingabearwoulduseatanAAmeeting.

No,Dartmouth,youmuststandtall.Raiseyourheadshighandfeelproud.

BecauseifHarvard,Yale,andPrincetonareyourself-involved,vain,name-droppingolderbrothers,youarethecool,sexuallyconfident,lacrosseplayingyoungersiblingwhoknowshowtothrowapartyandlooksgoodinadownvest.Brown,ofcourse,isyourlesbiansisterwhoneverleavesherroom.AndPenn,Columbia,andCornell—well,frankly,whogivesashit.

Yes,I'vealwayshadaspecialbondwiththisschool.Infact,thisismysecondtimecominghere.WhenIwas17yearsoldandtouringcolleges,waybackinthefallof1980,IcametoDartmouth.Dartmouthwasaverydifferentplacebackthen.ImadethetripupfromBostononamuleand,afteraskingtheblacksmithinWestLebfordirections,Icametothisbeautifulcampus.Nodormitorieshadbeenbuiltyet,soIstayedwithafamilyoffurtradersinWhiteRiverJunction.ItsnowedheavilyduringmyvisitandIwastrappedhereforfourmonths.Iwasforcedtoeatthemule,whoaweekearlierhadbeenforcedtoeatthefurtraders.Still,IlovedDartmouthandIvowedtoreturn.

Butfatedealtaheavyblow.Withnomoney,Iwasforcedtoenrollinasmall,localcommuterschool,apulsatingsoreonamuddyelbowoftheCharlesRiver.Iwasamiserablewretch,andtothisdayIcannothelpbutwonder:

WhatifIhadgonetoDartmouth?

IfIhadgonetoDartmouth,ImighthavespentatleastsomeofmycollegeyearsoutsideandtodayImightnotbeallergictoallplantlife,aswellasmosttypesofrock.

IfIhadgonetoDartmouth,rightnowI'dbewearingafleecethonginsteadofalacethong.

IfIhadgonetoDartmouth,Istillwouldn'tknowthesecondverseto"DearOldDartmouth."Faceit,noneofyoudo.Youallmumblethatpart.

IfIhadgonetoDartmouth,I'dhavealiverthesizeandconsistencyofabeanbagchair.

Finally,ifIhadgonetoDartmouth,todayI'dbegettinganhonorarydegreeatHarvard.Imaginehowawesomethatwouldbe.

Youareagreatschool,andyoudeserveahistoriccommencementaddress.That'sright,Iwantmymessagetodaytobeforeverrememberedbecauseitchangedtheworld.Todothis,Imustsuggestgroundbreakingpolicy.WinstonChurchillgavehisfamous"IronCurtain"speechatWestminsterCollegein1946.JFKoutlinedhisnucleardisarmamentpolicyatAmericanUniversityin1963.Today,IwouldliketosetforthmyownpolicyhereatDartmouth:

Icallit"TheConanDoctrine."Under"TheConanDoctrine":

-Allbachelordegreeswillbeupgradedtomaster'sdegrees.Allmaster'sdegreeswillbeupgradedtoPhDs.AndallMBAstudentswillbeimmediatelytransferredtoawhitecollarprison.

-Under"TheConanDoctrine,"WinterCarnivalwillbecomeWinterCarnivaleandbemovedtoRio.Clothingwillbeoptional,allexpensespaidbytheAlumniAssociation.

-Yournickname,theBigGreen,willbechangedtosomethingmorekick-asslike"TheJadeBlade,"the"SeafoamAvenger,"orsimply"Lime-Zilla."

-TheD-Planand"quartersystem"willfinallybeupdatedto"theonesixty-fourthsystem."Semesterswilllastthreedays.Studentswillbeencouragedtotake48semestersoff.Theymust,however,beoncampusduringtheirSophomore4thofJuly.

-Under"TheConanDoctrine,"Iwillre-instateTubestock.AndIwillpunishthosewhotriedtoreplaceitwithFieldstock.Raftingandbeerareamuchbettercombinationthanafieldandabeer.Ihappentoknowthatintwoyears,theyweregoingtodowngradeFieldstocktoDeskstock,sevenhoursoffunsittingquietlyatyourdesk.Don'tletthosebastardsdoit.

Andfinally,under"TheConanDoctrine,"allcommencementspeakerswhoshamelesslypanderwithcheap,insidereferencesdesignedtogetchildishapplause,willbeforcedtoapologize—tothegreatestgraduatingclassinthehistoryoftheworld.Dartmouthclassof2011rules!

Besidespolicy,anotherhallmarkofgreatcommencementspeechesisdeep,profoundadvicelike"reachforthestars."Welltoday,Iamnotgoingtowasteyourtimewithemptyclichés.Instead,Iamgoingtogiveyoureal