英语笑话多则中英文双语.docx
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英语笑话多则中英文双语
英语笑话多则(中英文双语)
你远看像个要饭的,近看像个捡破烂的,仔细一看,原来是个看短消息的。
Fromalongditance,youlookslikeabeggar;fromashortdistance,youlookslikesomebodywhoispickingodsandendsfromrefuseheaps;butifIgiveacarefullook,infactyouarelookingattheshortmessageofyourmobilephone.
“何谓祸不单行?
”“未婚妈妈生生双双胞!
”
"Whatdoesitmeanthatmisfortunesnevercomesingly?
""Theunmariedmothergavebirthtothetwins."
天下雨了是云儿哭了,爱人走了是爱情输了,风儿累了是要去睡了,夕阳醉了是要下坠了,看短信的小猪傻哈哈地笑了。
It'srainingforthecloudiscrying;thelovergoesawayfortheloveloses;thewindstopsforitistired;thesunissettingforitisdrunk;thepiggyislaughingforitislookingattheshortmessages.
我非常喜欢你!
所以很想泡你!
但一直没有机会,直到......直到水开为止。
车仔牌乌龙茶包,我喜欢。
Ilikeyoverymuch,soIwanttosteepyou.Butthereislackofopportunity,untilthewaterisboiling.ThewoolongteawithChezaibrand.
如果上天再给我一次机会的话,我会对你说:
得了吧,让我歇歇吧!
IfthegloryGodgivesmeanotherchance,Iwillsaytoyou:
"Justdropthematter,letmetakearest."
你长得很有创意,活着是你的勇气,丑陋并非你的本意,如果没有你,谁来衬托世界的美丽。
Youappearanceissoimaginativeandyoumustlivewithgreatcourage.Beinguglinessisnotyourorginalintention.Withoutyou,whowillsetheworldofftothebeauty?
乌鸦说:
我是天鹅中烧炭的;麻雀说:
我是孔雀中抽鸦片的;鹦鹉说:
我是燕子中坐台的;烤鸭说:
我是炼工自焚的。
Thecrowsays:
Iamaswanwoischarring;thesparrowsays:
Iamapeacockwhoissmokingtheopium;theparrotsays:
Iamaswallowwhoisdissolute;theroastducksays:
IburnedmyselfbecauseIbelieveinheresy.
我上铺的兄弟,前天晚上你是昨天早上回来的,昨天晚上你是今天早上回来的,如果今天晚上你再在明天早上回来的话,你会在明天早上发现我今天晚上已经锁门不再等你。
――男生宿舍下铺给同床上铺的留言。
Myfriendwhosleepsontheupperberth,thenightbeforeyesterday,youcamebackinthismorning;yesterdayeverning,yocamebackinthismorning;whiletonight,ifyoucomebackintomorrowmorning,youwillfindatthattimeihavelockedthedoortonight.--yourroommateslepsonthelowerberth.
钞票不是万能的,有时还需要信用卡.
Moneyisnoteverything.There'sMastercard&Visa.
每个人都应该热爱动物,因为它们很好吃.
Oneshouldloveanimals.Theyaresotasty.
要节约用水,尽量和女友一起洗澡.
Savewater.Showerwithyourgirlfriend.
要用心去爱你的邻居,不过不要让她的老公知道.
Lovetheneighbor.Butdon'tgetcaught.
每个成功男人的背后,都有一个女人.每个不成功男人的背后,都有两个.
Behindeverysuccessfulman,thereisaman.Andbehindeveryunsuccessfulman,therearetwo.
再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚,幸福不是永久的嘛.
Everymanshouldmarry.Afterall,happinessisnottheonlythinginlife.
聪明人都是未婚的,结婚的人很难再聪明起来.
Thewisenevermarry,Andwhentheymarrytheybecomeotherwise.
成功是一个相关名词,他会给你带来很多不相关的亲戚(联系).
Successisarelativeterm.Itbringssomanyrelatives.
不要等明天交不上差再找借口,今天就要找好.
Neverputofftheworktilltomorrowwhatyoucanputofftoday.
爱情就象照片,需要大量的暗房时间来培养.
Loveisphotogenic.Itneedsdarknesstodevelop.
"现在的梦想决定着你的将来",所以还是再睡一会吧.
"Yourfuturedependsonyourdreams."Sogotosleep.
应该有更好的方式开始新一天,而不是千篇一律的在每个上午都醒来.
Thereshouldbeabetterwaytostartadaythanwakingupeverymorning.
努力工作不会导致死亡!
不过我不会用自己去证明.
"Hardworkneverkilledanybody."Butwhytaketherisk?
工作好有意思耶!
尤其是看着别人工作.
"Workfascinatesme."Icanlookatitforhours!
神决定了谁是你的亲戚,幸运的是在选择朋友方面他给了你留了余地.
Godmaderelatives;ThankGodwecanchooseourfriends.
两个人的状态是不稳定的,三个人才是!
Whentwo'scompany,three'stheresult!
服饰就象铁丝网,它阻止你冒然行动但并不妨碍你尽情的观看.
Adressislikeabarbedfence.Itprotectsthepremiseswithoutrestrictingtheview.
学的越多,知道的越多,知道的越多,忘记的越多,忘记的越多,知道的越少,为什么学来着
Themoreyoulearn,themoreyouknow,Themoreyouknow,themoreyouforget.Themoreyouforget,thelessyouknow.Sowhybothertolearn.
爱已停费,情已停机,缘分不在服务区;思也痛苦,想也伤心,何日缴费再开机?
横批:
梦想成真。
Lovehasbecomingthedefaultingsubscriber,thepassionhascometoahalt,thedestineythatwecanbetogetherisoutoftheservicesection;it'spainfultothinkandit'sheart-brokentomiss.Whenwillyoupayforthemobilephoneandstartupagain?
Thehorizontalscrollis:
dreambecomesreality.
“我太太把信用卡丢了!
”“那你还不赶快通知银行?
”“没事,那贼花得比我太太少多了。
”
"Mywifehaslostthecreditcard.""Whynotgivethenoticetothebankrightaway?
""Don'tworry,becausethethiefspendsmuchlessthanmywifedoes"
“我听说,你又准备同你丈夫复婚了,是吗?
”“是的,我决不能让这个恶棍在家里一个人字享其乐。
”
"Ihearthatyouwillrestoretheformermariagewithyourhusband,isittrue?
""Yes,itistrue.BecauseIwouldneverletthescoundreltoenjoyhimselfathome."
“重婚罪的惩罚是什么?
”回答:
“两个丈母娘”。
"Whatisthepunishmenttobigamy?
"Theansweris:
"Youwillhavetwomotherin-law"
祝你:
致富踏上万宝路;事业登上红塔山;爱人赛过阿诗玛;财源遍布大中华。
Mybestwishestoyou:
setyourfeetonthe"Marboro"roadandgetrich;climbthe"honta"mountainandmakeyourcareerprogres.Mayyourbelovedbemorebeautifulthan"Ashima"andmayyourscorceofwealthbeabundantalloverthe"Zhonghua"
“昨天看电影当中突然停电。
人们在漆黑中等了十几分钟。
”“电影院里没有慌乱吗?
”“慌乱了――那是在来电的时候。
”
“YeterdaywhenIweseeafilminthecinema,thepowersuddenlycut.Peoplehadtostayindarknesforaboutmorehantenminutes.”"Diditarouseaflusterinthecinema?
""Itdid,butitwaswhenthepowerrestoredagain."
“昨天我太太发现了我的私房钱。
”“你们吵架了吗?
”“没有,她说结婚五年来终于找到我们共同的嗜好。
”
"Yesterdaymywifefoundmycase-dough.""Sodidouhaveaquarrelaboutit?
""No.Insteadshesaiditwasthefirsttimeaftergettingmarriedfiveyearsago,thatsheultimatelyfoundthecommonindulgencebetwenus."
最近总是想你,我知道这样不好,但不把心理话告诉你,我会后悔一辈子:
如果你真有困难,那两块钱就不用还我了!
InthesedaysIcouldn'thelpmissingyou,althoughIknowitdoesnogood.ButIwillbeindeepregretinmywholelife,ifIdon'tspeakoutwhatIthinkinmymind:
ifyoureallygotintotrouble,thereisnoneedtoreturnthetwokuaiyouborrowedfromme.
阿呆考试不及格,于是给弟弟拍了个电报,请父亲做好思想准备。
不久弟弟回电:
父亲已准备好,现在请你做好思想准备。
Aslow-mindedstudentfailedintheexam.Hesentatelegraphtohisbrotherandaskedhisfathertobementallyprepared.Soonhisbrothersentbackandsaid:
Fatherhasgotprepared,pleasebementallypreparedbyyourself.
阿杰走过墓地。
听到敲击声,很是害怕,见到一个人摸墓碑,才放心,问:
“先生你在干什么?
”那人说:
“他们把我的墓碑刻错了。
”
A-jiewentbythecemeteryandheardsomeknockingsound.Hegotveryscared.Thenhesethisheartatrest,forhesawsomeonewasstrokingthetombstone.Heasked:
"Whatareyoudoing,Sir?
""theymadeamistakeonmytombstone."
不管天多高,海多深。
钢多硬,风多大,尺多长,河多宽,酒多烈,冰多冷,火多热......我只想告诉你,这些都不关你事!
Nomatterjowhightheheavenis,howdeeptheseais,howsolidthesteelis,howstrongthewindi.hoewidetheriveris,howhardthedrinkis,owcoldtheiceis,howhotthefireis...Ionlywanttotellyouallthesethingsarenoneofyourbusiness!
阿军把他编写的笑话拿给同桌看,同桌看过之后捧腹大笑。
阿军激动地问:
我的笑话很不错吧?
同桌答道:
你这也能叫笑话吗?
A-Junmadeupajokeandletthedeskmatetohavealook.Aftersawit,thedeskmateburstintoalaughter.A-Junaskedinanagitatedtone:
"Myjokeisnotbad,isn'tit?
"Hisdeskmateanswered,"Canthisbecalledajoke?
"
没有你的天不,不蓝;没有你的日子,心烦;没有你的生活,真难!
啥时能够真正拥有你,我最亲爱的......钱。
Withoutyoutheskybecomegloomy;withoutyouIamvexed;withoutyoulivingissohard.WhencanIreallybeinpossessionofyou...mymoney.
哲学教授:
一个傻瓜提的问题,10个聪明人也回答不了。
学生:
难怪我考试总不能及格。
Aprofessorofphilosophysaid:
Afoolbringsupaquestion,while10brightmencannotmaketheanswer.Thenhestudentsaid:
It'snowonderthatIalwaysfailintheexam.
卖瓜小贩:
“快来吃瓜,不甜不要钱!
”饥渴的路人:
“哇!
太好了,老板,来一个不甜的。
”
Apeddlerwassellinghiswatermelonandhawkinghiswares:
"Comequicklyandeatthewatermelon.Iwon'tchargeyou,ifthemelonisnotsweet."Apasserbywowassufferinginthehungryandthirstsaid:
"Great!
Pleasegiveasweetlessmelon."
有句话一直想对你说,可你知道它的分量,一旦说出,可能咱连朋友都没法做了,但我控制不住感情......啥时请我吃饭?
Ihaveawordforyouallalong,butyouknowtheseriousnessofit.Onceitisletout,maybeitisalmostimpossibleforustobefriendsanymore,butIcouldn'tcontrolmyemotions...whenwillyouinvitemetodinner?
紧急提醒:
看看你的左边,再看看你的右边。
请小心一个刚刚溜出来的精神病,他的特征是:
拿着手机东张西望。
Attention:
pleaselookatyourleftsideandthenlookatyourrightside.Beacrefulofaschizophrenicwhojustslippedoutofthehospital.Hischaracteristicistakingamobilephoneandgazingaround.
“周星星由于作弊被开除了。
”“怎么回事啊?
”“在生理卫生考试中,他数自己的肋骨,结果被发现了。
”
"Zhouxingxingwasdismissedbecausehecheatedintheexam.""Whatdoesthematter?
""Duringtheexamforphysiology,hewasfoundcountinghisrids."
考试零分叫鸭蛋,做坏事叫坏蛋,脑袋空空叫傻蛋,炒鱿鱼叫滚蛋,呜呼哀哉叫完蛋,正在看短信的是笨蛋。
Ifyouget"zero"intheexam,tiiscalleda"duckegg";ifyouservethedevil.youarecalleda"badegg";ifyouhaveanemptymind,youarecalleda"idiot";ifyouarefiredbytheboss,youareaskedtogetout;ifyouswearatsomeone,youarecalled"bastard";ifyoukickthebucket,youarecalled"Wandan";ifyouarelookingattheshortmessage,youarecalleda"fool".
报名参加海军的年轻人被问道:
“你会游泳吗?
”他冷愣住了。
过了一会儿说:
“怎么回事?
难道船不够用吗?
”
Ayoungman,whowasenteringfortheenrollmentinthenavy,wasaskedwhetherhecouldswimornot.Hestoodinamazementforawhileandsaid:
"Whatdoesitmatter?
Surelyitdoesn'tmeanthatthereisn'tenoughships,isit?
"
当我恨下心扭头离去的那一刻,你在我身后无助的哭泣和撕心裂肺的痛楚让我刹那间明白我是多么地爱你,我猛地转身哭着把你抱紧喊:
这头猪我不卖啦!
AtthemomentthatIcruelheartedlyturnedmyhead,youhelplessweepingandgrievedsuffer