Joke of English.docx

Joke of English.docx

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JokeofEnglish

RolesAndHowWePlayThem

WheneverI'mdisappointedwithmyspotinmylife,IstopandthinkaboutlittleJamieScott.

Jamiewastryingoutforapartinaschoolplay.Hismothertoldmethathe'dsethisheartonbeinginit,thoughshefearedhewouldnotbechosen.Onthedaythepartswereawarded,Iwentwithhertocollecthimafterschool.Jamierusheduptoher,eyesshiningwithprideandexcitement."GuesswhatMom,"heshouted,andthensaidthosewordsthatwillremainalessontome,"I'vebeenchosentoclapandcheer."

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TheBlindDate:

Afterbeingwithherallevening,themancouldn'ttakeanotherminutewithhisblinddate.Earlier,hehadsecretlyarrangedtohaveafriendcallhimtothephonesohewouldhaveanexcusetoleaveifsomethinglikethishappened.

Whenhereturnedtothetable,heloweredhiseyes,putonagrimexpressionandsaid,"Ihavesomebadnews.Mygrandfatherjustdied."

"ThankGod,"hisdatereplied."Ifyourshadn't,minewouldhavehadto."

Note:

BlindDate:

从未晤面的男女经第三者安排所作的约会

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ALetterfromMom:

DearSon,

I'mwritingthisslow,causeIknowyoucan'treadfast.Wedon'tlivewherewedidwhenyoufirstleft.YourDadreadinthepaperthatmostaccidentshappenwithin20milesofhome,sowemoved.Iwon'tbeabletosendyoutheaddressasthelastfamilyheretookthenumberswiththemfortheirnexthouse,sotheywouldn'thavetochangetheiraddress.Thisplacehasawashingmachine.ThefirstdayIputfourshirtsin,pulledthechain,andIhaven'tseenemsince.Itonlyrainedtwicethisweek,threedaysthefirsttimeandfourdaysthistime.Thecoatyouwantedmetosendyou,yourAuntSuesaiditwouldbealittletooheavytosendinthemailwiththeheavybuttons,sowecutthemoffandputtheminthepockets.

About,yoursister,shehadababythismorning.Ihaven'tfoundoutwhetherit'sagirloraboy,soIdon'tknowifyouareanAuntoranUncle.Notmuchmorenewsthistime,writesoon.

Love,Mom

P.S.Wasgoingtosendyoumoney,buttheenvelopewasalreadysealed.

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MotherMouse:

Amothermousewasoutforastrollwithherbabieswhenshespottedacatcrouchedbehindabush.Shewatchedthecat,andthecatwatchedthemice.

Mothermousebarkedfiercely,"Woof,woof,woof!

"Thecatwassoterrifiedthatitranforit'slife.

Mothermouseturnedtoherbabiesandsaid,"Now,doyouunderstandthevalueofasecondlanguage?

"

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TheRescue:

Amanhadfallenbetweentherailsinasubwaystation.Peoplewereallcrowdingaroundtryingtogethimoutbeforethetrainranhimover.Theywereallshouting.

"Givemeyourhand!

"butthemanwouldnotreachup.MullaNasrudinelbowedhiswaythroughthecrowdandleanedovertheman."Friend,"heasked,"whatisyourprofession?

"

"Iamanincometaxinspector,"gaspedtheman.

"Inthatcase,"saidNasrudin,"takemyhand!

"

ThemanimmediatelygraspedtheMulla'shandandwashauledtosafety.

Nasrudinturnedtotheamazedby-standersanddeclared,"Neveraskataxmanto*give*youanything,youfools!

"

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Department-storeautomaticansweringmachine:

"Ifyouarecallingtoorderorsendmoney,press5."

"Ifyouarecallingtoregisteracomplaint,press64-59834822955392."

"Haveagoodday."

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Psychiatrist'sSecretary:

"Inmyoffice,Ijustcan'twin!

"lamentedthepsychiatrist'ssecretary.

"IfIcometoworkearly,I'manxious.IfI'montime,I'mcompulsive.IfI'mlate,I'mhostile..."

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TheOrganization:

Theorganizationislikeatreefullofmonkeys,allondifferentlimbsatdifferentlevels,someclimbingup.

Themonkeysontoplookdownandseeatreefullofsmilingfaces.Themonkeysonthebottomlookupandseenothingbutassholes.

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ComputerHumor:

"Iaskedmydadwherebabiescomefrom.HesaysyoudownloadthemfromtheInternet."

"Wheneversomethinggoeswrong,IjustpushthislittleResetbuttonandrestart.Iwishmywholelifewaslikethat!

"

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PayDay:

Abuildingcontractorwasbeingpaidbytheweekforajobthatwaslikelytostretchoverseveralmonths.Heapproachedtheownerofthepropertyandheldupthecheckhe'dbeengiven."Thisistwohundreddollarslessthanweagreedon,"hesaid.

"Iknow,"theownersaid,"ButlastweekIoverpaidyoutwohundreddollars,andyounevercomplained."

Thecontractorsaid,"Well,Idon'tmindanoccasionalmistake.Butwhenitgetstobeahabit,IfeelIhavetocallittoyourattention."

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Pig:

Amanwassuedbyawomanfordefamationofcharacter.Shechargedthathehadcalledherapig.Themanwasfoundguiltyandfined.

Afterthetrialheaskedthejudge,"ThismeansthatIcannotcallMrs.Johnsonapig?

"

Thejudgesaidthatwastrue.

"DoesthismeanIcannotcallapigMrs.Johnson?

"themanasked.

ThejudgerepliedthathecouldindeedcallapigMrs.Johnsonwithnofearoflegalaction.

ThemanlookeddirectlyatMrs.Johnsonandsaid,"Goodafternoon,Mrs.Johnson."

SomeMilitaryJokes

Awoman,marriedtoaNavyPilot,inquiredaboutanincreaseintheirmonthlyallotmentforlivingquarters,becauserentsneartheStationwherehewasbasedweresohigh.Shereceivedthefollowingletterback:

"ClassQallotmentsarebaseduponthenumberofdependents,uptoamaximumofthree.Ifthebirthofachildwillmeanyourhusbandisentitledtomorequartersallowance,notifyhimtotakethenecessaryaction."

Forthoseofyouneverinthemilitary,itseemsallbranchestrytoreduceany/allsituationstowriting.AccordingtotheUSNavy,"Classifiedmaterialshallbeconsideredlostwhenitcannotbelocated."

AgroupofUSNavyofficers,assignedasanadvisorygroupinTaiwan,weresearchingforanamefortheirnewofficer'sclub.

Theyfinallysettledon"TAI-WAN-ON".

Onpatrol,theOfficeroftheDeckaskedthestarboardlookoutwhathewoulddoifamanfelloverboard.

"Iwouldshout'Manoverboard'."thesailorreplied.

TheODthenaskedwhathewoulddoifanofficerfelloverboard.

Thesailorpausedandthought,thensaid,"WhichoneSir?

"

AratheroldminesweeperwascruisingalonelystretchoftheSouthPacificandwasovertakenbyanewAustraliancruiser.AlltheUSsailorsadmiredthenewshipandtheCaptainsentablinker-lightmessagetotheAussies:

"Youarebeautiful."

Lessthan10secondslater,theAussieshipblinkeredback:

"I'llbetyousaythattoalltheships."

Submittedby:

TweetyBird@

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HeavyBoots

About6-7yearsago,IwasinaphilosophyclassattheUniversityofWisconsin,Madison（goodscience/engineeringschool）andtheteachingassistantwasexplainingDescartes.Hewastryingtoshowhowthingsdon'talwayshappenthewaywethinktheywillandexplainedthat,whileapenalwaysfallswhenyoudropitonEarth,itwouldjustfloatawayifyouletgoofitontheMoon.

Myjawdroppedalittle.Iblurted"What?

!

"Lookingaroundtheroom,IsawthatonlymyfriendMarkandoneotherstudentlookedconfusedbytheTA'sstatement.Theother17peoplejustlookedatmelike"What'syourproblem?

"

"ButapenwouldfallifyoudroppeditontheMoon,justmoreslowly."Iprotested.

"Noitwouldn't."theTAexplainedcalmly,"becauseyou'retoofarawayfromtheEarth'sgravity."

Think.Think.Aha!

"YousawtheAPOLLOastronautswalkingaroundontheMoon,didn'tyou?

"Icountered,"whydidn'ttheyfloataway?

""Becausetheywerewearingheavyboots."heresponded,asifthismadeperfectsense（remember,thisisaPhilosophyTAwho'shadplentyoflogicclasses）.

BythenIrealizedthatwewereeachlivingintotallydifferentworlds,anddidnotspeakeachotherslanguage,soIgaveup.Aswelefttheroom,myfriendMarkwasraging."MyGod!

Howcanallthosepeoplebesostupid?

"

Itriedtobeunderstanding."Mark,theyknewthisstuffatonetime,butit'snotpartoftheirbasicviewoftheworld,sothey'veforgottenit.Mostpeoplecouldprobablymakethesamemistake."Toprovemypoint,wewentbacktoourdormroomandbeganrandomlyselectingnamesfromthecampusphonebook.Wecalledabout30peopleandaskedeachthisquestion:

1.Ifyou'restandingontheMoonholdingapen,andyouletgo,willita）floataway,b）floatwhereitis,orc）falltotheground?

About47percentgotthisquestioncorrect.Oftheoneswhogotitwrong,weaskedtheobviousfollow-upquestion:

2.You'veseenfilmsoftheAPOLLOastronautswalkingaroundontheMoon,whydidn'ttheyfalloff?

About20percentofthepeoplechangedtheiranswertothefirstquestionwhentheyheardthisone!

Butthemostamazingpartwasthatabouthalfofthemconfidentlyanswered,"Becausetheywerewearingheavyboots."

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CarKeys

Whenmyhusbandand