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communicationbetweenmenandwomen

CommunicationbetweenMenandWomenintheContextoftheChristianCommunity

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RhondaH.Kelley

ThisarticlehasbeenreprintedfromFaith&Mission,Fall1996,withpermissionfromSoutheasternBaptistTheologicalSeminary.

INTRODUCTION

Scriptureteachesabouttheuniquenessofmenandwomen.WhilecreatedintheimageofGodwithequalityofworthandvalue,menandwomenaredifferentbydesignandfunction.Genderdifferencesareapparentphysicallyandbehaviorally.Menandwomendifferinthewaytheythink,feel,act,andtalk.Infact,oneofthemoststrikingdifferencesbetweenthesexesistheuniquewaysthatmenandwomencommunicate.

Inrecentyears,thecommunicationstylesofmenandwomenhavebeenstudiedscientifically.Linguistshavedocumentedtheseperceiveddifferences.Theprimarypurposeoftheseintensiveinvestigationsisnottodeterminewhichcommunicativestyleisbestortomotivateotherstochangecompletely,buttoidentifydifferencesforthepurposeofunderstandingandadaptation.Asmenandwomenbetterrecognizedifferencesincommunicativestyles,theycanworktoimprovetheirowncommunicationwithmembersoftheoppositesex.

Thegeneralgendercommunicationdifferencesaffectallmenandwomenineverycontext.WhetherChristianornon-Christian,churchedorunchurched,menandwomenhaveuniquewaysofexpressingtheirthoughtsandfeelings.Athomeandattheoffice,inmarriageandinfriendships,thesedifferencesareimmediatelyapparent.Thechurch,asabodyofbelievers,maleandfemale,ischallengedbythesedifferencesincommunicativestyle.Theimpactofthesegenderdifferencesisexperiencedininformalconversations,Biblestudyclasses,churchcommitteemeetings,counselingsessions,andpulpitpreaching.

WhatisGenderlect?

Inrecentyears,perhapsaswomenhaveenteredtheworkplaceinlargernumbers,theobviouscommunicativestyledifferencesbetweenmenandwomenhavebeendiscussedpublicly.Uniqueconversationalstyleshavebeenobservedandcommunicativeconflictshavebeenencountered.Asaresult,linguistshavebeguntoresearchgendercommunication.

Thetermgenderlecthasbeencoinedtodefinethelanguageofthesexes.Similarinformtotheword"dialect"（theuniquelanguageofpeopleinaspecificgeographicalarea）,genderlectis"avarietyofalanguagethatistiednottogeographyortofamilybackgroundortoarolebuttothespeaker'ssexualgender."SuzetteHadenElginsuggestscommunicationtechniquestocombatgenderstyledifferencesinherbookentitledGenderspeak.DeborahTannen,awell-respectedlinguisticsprofessorandscholar,hasconductedresearchandpublishedbooksaboutgendercommunicationincludinghernationalbestseller,YouJustDon'tUnderstand:

MenandWomeninConversation（Ballantine,1990）.

Genderflex,accordingtoJudithC.Tingleyinherbookbythesametitle,isdescribedasanactiveprocess:

"totemporarilyusecommunicationbehaviorstypicaloftheothergenderinordertoincreasepotentialforinfluence."Becauseofthenaturaldifferencesinthewaymenandwomencommunicate,temporaryadaptiontoadifferentstyleofcommunicationisnecessary.Theprimarygoalofthisadjustmentiseffectivecommunicationwithmembersoftheoppositesex.GenderlectisheardinthecontextoftheChristiancommunityandgenderflexisnecessaryforeffectiveministrytogether.Thesegendercommunicationdifferencesbeginatveryearlyages.

WhenDoesGenderCommunicationDevelop?

Languageandcommunicationareconsideredlearnedbehaviorwhichdevelopsthroughacombinationofnatureandnurture,geneticpredispositionandenvironmentalstimulation.Asaresult,gendercommunicationdifferencesemergeinearlychildhood.Childrenlearnhowtotalkfromtheirparentsaswellastheirpeers,oftenimitatingtheirsame-sexmodels.

Inherbook,YouJustDon'tUnderstand,DeborahTanenassertsthat"eveniftheygrowupinthesameneighborhood,onthesameblock,orinthesamehouse,girlsandboysgrowupindifferentworldsorwords."Thesegenderdifferencesinwaysoftalkinghavebeenobservedinchildrenasyoungasthreeyearsofage,aboutthetimelanguageisdeveloped.Whilelittlegirlstalktobeliked;littleboysoftentalktoboast.Littlegirlsmakerequests;littleboysmakedemands.Littlegirlsspeaktocreateharmony;littleboysprolongconflict.Littlegirlstalkmoreindirectly;littleboystalkdirectly.Littlegirlstalkmorewithwords;littleboysusemoreactions.Whileboysandgirlsbothwanttogettheirway,theyuselanguagedifferentlytodoso.

Thesecommunicationdifferencesarenotedduringsamegenderandoppositegenderconversations,duringone-on-oneandsmallgroupinteractions.Neithergenderstyleisconsideredbest,butobviousdifferencesfromchildhoodtoadulthoodshouldbeunderstoodandadapted.Parents,spouses,co-workers,andchurchmembersneedtobecomeawareofdifferencesingendercommunication.

GenderCommunicationDifferences

Communicationbetweenmenandwomencanbeconsideredcross-culturalcommunication.Peopleindifferentculturesspeakdifferentdialects.Infact,JohnGrayinhisbook,MenareFromMars,WomenareFromVenus,suggeststhatmenandwomencommunicateinsuchdifferentwaysthattheyseemtobefromdifferentplanets.Therearenumerousgeneraldifferencesthatcharacterizegendercommunication.

Beforeclarifyingsomedistinctivesingendercommunication,severalbasicassumptionsmustbeaccepted.    

1. 

1.Menandwomendohavedifferentconversationalstyles.

2.Bothstylesofcommunicationareequallyvalid.

3.Thegoalingendercommunicationisnotchangethestyleofcommunicationbuttoadapttothedifferences.

AccordingtoTannen,menandwomenexpressthemselvesindifferentwaysandfordifferentreasons.Menusecommunicationtomaintainindependence,whilewomentalktomaintainintimacy.Whetherconsciousorunconscious,menoftentalktoestablishstatusfromothers.Womenusewordstoconnectthemselvesemotionally,toexpressfeelings,orbuildrapport.Menoftensharefactsandfiguresasinareport.Tannenlabelsthesecommunicativedifferences"rapport-talkandreport-talk."

Researchconcludesthatmentalkmoreinpublicwhilewomentalkmoreinprivate.Thisconclusionisobviouswhenthepurposeofmaleandfemalecommunicationisunderstood.Ifmentalktoestablishstatus,mostmaleconversationwouldinevitablyoccurinpublic,attheworkplace.Ontheotherhand,ifwomentalktoestablishintimacy,mostfemaleconversationwouldtakeplaceinprivate,athome.

Bodylanguageisalsouseddifferentlybymenandwomen.Whilewomentypicallyusenonverbalcommunicationdirectly,menuseitindirectly.Womenstandincloseproximitytoeachother,maintaineyecontact,andgesturemorefrequently.Menholdtheirdistance,rarelyestablisheyecontact,andgestureslessdramatically.Menandwomenalsohandleconflictdifferently.Whilewomenavoidconflictinordertoinsurecloseness,menuseconflicttogainstatus.Thesearejustafewofthecommondifferencesingendercommunication.

Menandwomenexpressgendercommunicationdifferencesincontent,style,andstructure.Whatdomenandwomentalkabout?

Menoftentalkaboutsports,money,andbusiness;womenmostoftendiscusspeople,feelings,andrelationships.Whydomenandwomentalk?

Menoftenexpressthemselvestofixaproblem,converseforcompetition,andtalktoresolveproblems.Womenmostoftenexpressthemselvestounderstand,conversetosupport,andtalktoconnect.Howdomenandwomentalk?

Mentypicallyuseprecisewords,tothepoint,withoutdescriptivedetails.Womenaremoredetailed,apologetic,andvague.

GenderCommunicationandtheChurch

Differencesinthewaymenandwomencommunicateaffectallrelationships:

husband-wife,father-daughter,mother-son,employer-employee,andpastor-member.Infact,gendercommunicationdifferencesarealsoobviousinthechurch.Inhallwayconversation,committeediscussion,Biblestudyteaching,pulpitpreaching,orpastoralcounseling,menandwomenencountergenderstyledifferences.Scripturechallengesbelieverstocommunicatemoreeffectivelywitheachother.Menandwomenaretocontroltheirtongues（James3:

1-12）andspeakonlywordsofkindness（Eph.4:

29,32）.TheBookofProverbsdiscussestheimportanceoflisteningwithunderstandingtootherswhospeak（Prov.11:

12;18:

2,13;29:

20）.JesusadmonishedHisdisciplestodiscussconflictwithasinningbrother（Matt.1:

15）and"loveourneighborasyourself"（Matt.22:

39）.MatureChristiansrealizethatclear,loving,encouragingcommunicationamongHischildrenisthedesireofChrist'sheart.Sincegenderwillneverchange,Christianmenandwomenmustunderstandtheconversationalstylesoftheoppositesex.

ImprovingCommunicationBetweenChristianMenandWomen

Oncedifferencesingendercommunicationhavebeenidentified,adjustmentscanbemadetoimprovecommunication.Whilegenderflexorgenderspeakisnoteasyorautomatic,Christianmenandwomencanimprovetheircommunicationastheyconsciouslyworkonit.Hereareseveralstrategiesforimprovinggendercommunication.  

1. 

1.Becomeawareofyourowncommunicationstyle.Eachpersonhasauniquestyleofcommunication.Listentoyourownspeech.Evaluateyourwords,yourtoneofvoice,andyourbodylanguage.Compareyourowncommunicationstylewiththatofindividualswhomyoujudgetobeeffectivecommunicators.Self-evaluationisanimportantfirststepinimprovinggendercommunication.

PastorJohnBrownbegantonoticethathewasmuchmorecomfortablegreetingmenofhischurchthanthewomen.Herealizedthathecouldnaturallytalka