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communicationbetweenmenandwomen
CommunicationbetweenMenandWomenintheContextoftheChristianCommunity
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RhondaH.Kelley
ThisarticlehasbeenreprintedfromFaith&Mission,Fall1996,withpermissionfromSoutheasternBaptistTheologicalSeminary.
INTRODUCTION
Scriptureteachesabouttheuniquenessofmenandwomen.WhilecreatedintheimageofGodwithequalityofworthandvalue,menandwomenaredifferentbydesignandfunction.Genderdifferencesareapparentphysicallyandbehaviorally.Menandwomendifferinthewaytheythink,feel,act,andtalk.Infact,oneofthemoststrikingdifferencesbetweenthesexesistheuniquewaysthatmenandwomencommunicate.
Inrecentyears,thecommunicationstylesofmenandwomenhavebeenstudiedscientifically.Linguistshavedocumentedtheseperceiveddifferences.Theprimarypurposeoftheseintensiveinvestigationsisnottodeterminewhichcommunicativestyleisbestortomotivateotherstochangecompletely,buttoidentifydifferencesforthepurposeofunderstandingandadaptation.Asmenandwomenbetterrecognizedifferencesincommunicativestyles,theycanworktoimprovetheirowncommunicationwithmembersoftheoppositesex.
Thegeneralgendercommunicationdifferencesaffectallmenandwomenineverycontext.WhetherChristianornon-Christian,churchedorunchurched,menandwomenhaveuniquewaysofexpressingtheirthoughtsandfeelings.Athomeandattheoffice,inmarriageandinfriendships,thesedifferencesareimmediatelyapparent.Thechurch,asabodyofbelievers,maleandfemale,ischallengedbythesedifferencesincommunicativestyle.Theimpactofthesegenderdifferencesisexperiencedininformalconversations,Biblestudyclasses,churchcommitteemeetings,counselingsessions,andpulpitpreaching.
WhatisGenderlect?
Inrecentyears,perhapsaswomenhaveenteredtheworkplaceinlargernumbers,theobviouscommunicativestyledifferencesbetweenmenandwomenhavebeendiscussedpublicly.Uniqueconversationalstyleshavebeenobservedandcommunicativeconflictshavebeenencountered.Asaresult,linguistshavebeguntoresearchgendercommunication.
Thetermgenderlecthasbeencoinedtodefinethelanguageofthesexes.Similarinformtotheword"dialect"(theuniquelanguageofpeopleinaspecificgeographicalarea),genderlectis"avarietyofalanguagethatistiednottogeographyortofamilybackgroundortoarolebuttothespeaker'ssexualgender."SuzetteHadenElginsuggestscommunicationtechniquestocombatgenderstyledifferencesinherbookentitledGenderspeak.DeborahTannen,awell-respectedlinguisticsprofessorandscholar,hasconductedresearchandpublishedbooksaboutgendercommunicationincludinghernationalbestseller,YouJustDon'tUnderstand:
MenandWomeninConversation(Ballantine,1990).
Genderflex,accordingtoJudithC.Tingleyinherbookbythesametitle,isdescribedasanactiveprocess:
"totemporarilyusecommunicationbehaviorstypicaloftheothergenderinordertoincreasepotentialforinfluence."Becauseofthenaturaldifferencesinthewaymenandwomencommunicate,temporaryadaptiontoadifferentstyleofcommunicationisnecessary.Theprimarygoalofthisadjustmentiseffectivecommunicationwithmembersoftheoppositesex.GenderlectisheardinthecontextoftheChristiancommunityandgenderflexisnecessaryforeffectiveministrytogether.Thesegendercommunicationdifferencesbeginatveryearlyages.
WhenDoesGenderCommunicationDevelop?
Languageandcommunicationareconsideredlearnedbehaviorwhichdevelopsthroughacombinationofnatureandnurture,geneticpredispositionandenvironmentalstimulation.Asaresult,gendercommunicationdifferencesemergeinearlychildhood.Childrenlearnhowtotalkfromtheirparentsaswellastheirpeers,oftenimitatingtheirsame-sexmodels.
Inherbook,YouJustDon'tUnderstand,DeborahTanenassertsthat"eveniftheygrowupinthesameneighborhood,onthesameblock,orinthesamehouse,girlsandboysgrowupindifferentworldsorwords."Thesegenderdifferencesinwaysoftalkinghavebeenobservedinchildrenasyoungasthreeyearsofage,aboutthetimelanguageisdeveloped.Whilelittlegirlstalktobeliked;littleboysoftentalktoboast.Littlegirlsmakerequests;littleboysmakedemands.Littlegirlsspeaktocreateharmony;littleboysprolongconflict.Littlegirlstalkmoreindirectly;littleboystalkdirectly.Littlegirlstalkmorewithwords;littleboysusemoreactions.Whileboysandgirlsbothwanttogettheirway,theyuselanguagedifferentlytodoso.
Thesecommunicationdifferencesarenotedduringsamegenderandoppositegenderconversations,duringone-on-oneandsmallgroupinteractions.Neithergenderstyleisconsideredbest,butobviousdifferencesfromchildhoodtoadulthoodshouldbeunderstoodandadapted.Parents,spouses,co-workers,andchurchmembersneedtobecomeawareofdifferencesingendercommunication.
GenderCommunicationDifferences
Communicationbetweenmenandwomencanbeconsideredcross-culturalcommunication.Peopleindifferentculturesspeakdifferentdialects.Infact,JohnGrayinhisbook,MenareFromMars,WomenareFromVenus,suggeststhatmenandwomencommunicateinsuchdifferentwaysthattheyseemtobefromdifferentplanets.Therearenumerousgeneraldifferencesthatcharacterizegendercommunication.
Beforeclarifyingsomedistinctivesingendercommunication,severalbasicassumptionsmustbeaccepted.
1.
1.Menandwomendohavedifferentconversationalstyles.
2.Bothstylesofcommunicationareequallyvalid.
3.Thegoalingendercommunicationisnotchangethestyleofcommunicationbuttoadapttothedifferences.
AccordingtoTannen,menandwomenexpressthemselvesindifferentwaysandfordifferentreasons.Menusecommunicationtomaintainindependence,whilewomentalktomaintainintimacy.Whetherconsciousorunconscious,menoftentalktoestablishstatusfromothers.Womenusewordstoconnectthemselvesemotionally,toexpressfeelings,orbuildrapport.Menoftensharefactsandfiguresasinareport.Tannenlabelsthesecommunicativedifferences"rapport-talkandreport-talk."
Researchconcludesthatmentalkmoreinpublicwhilewomentalkmoreinprivate.Thisconclusionisobviouswhenthepurposeofmaleandfemalecommunicationisunderstood.Ifmentalktoestablishstatus,mostmaleconversationwouldinevitablyoccurinpublic,attheworkplace.Ontheotherhand,ifwomentalktoestablishintimacy,mostfemaleconversationwouldtakeplaceinprivate,athome.
Bodylanguageisalsouseddifferentlybymenandwomen.Whilewomentypicallyusenonverbalcommunicationdirectly,menuseitindirectly.Womenstandincloseproximitytoeachother,maintaineyecontact,andgesturemorefrequently.Menholdtheirdistance,rarelyestablisheyecontact,andgestureslessdramatically.Menandwomenalsohandleconflictdifferently.Whilewomenavoidconflictinordertoinsurecloseness,menuseconflicttogainstatus.Thesearejustafewofthecommondifferencesingendercommunication.
Menandwomenexpressgendercommunicationdifferencesincontent,style,andstructure.Whatdomenandwomentalkabout?
Menoftentalkaboutsports,money,andbusiness;womenmostoftendiscusspeople,feelings,andrelationships.Whydomenandwomentalk?
Menoftenexpressthemselvestofixaproblem,converseforcompetition,andtalktoresolveproblems.Womenmostoftenexpressthemselvestounderstand,conversetosupport,andtalktoconnect.Howdomenandwomentalk?
Mentypicallyuseprecisewords,tothepoint,withoutdescriptivedetails.Womenaremoredetailed,apologetic,andvague.
GenderCommunicationandtheChurch
Differencesinthewaymenandwomencommunicateaffectallrelationships:
husband-wife,father-daughter,mother-son,employer-employee,andpastor-member.Infact,gendercommunicationdifferencesarealsoobviousinthechurch.Inhallwayconversation,committeediscussion,Biblestudyteaching,pulpitpreaching,orpastoralcounseling,menandwomenencountergenderstyledifferences.Scripturechallengesbelieverstocommunicatemoreeffectivelywitheachother.Menandwomenaretocontroltheirtongues(James3:
1-12)andspeakonlywordsofkindness(Eph.4:
29,32).TheBookofProverbsdiscussestheimportanceoflisteningwithunderstandingtootherswhospeak(Prov.11:
12;18:
2,13;29:
20).JesusadmonishedHisdisciplestodiscussconflictwithasinningbrother(Matt.1:
15)and"loveourneighborasyourself"(Matt.22:
39).MatureChristiansrealizethatclear,loving,encouragingcommunicationamongHischildrenisthedesireofChrist'sheart.Sincegenderwillneverchange,Christianmenandwomenmustunderstandtheconversationalstylesoftheoppositesex.
ImprovingCommunicationBetweenChristianMenandWomen
Oncedifferencesingendercommunicationhavebeenidentified,adjustmentscanbemadetoimprovecommunication.Whilegenderflexorgenderspeakisnoteasyorautomatic,Christianmenandwomencanimprovetheircommunicationastheyconsciouslyworkonit.Hereareseveralstrategiesforimprovinggendercommunication.
1.
1.Becomeawareofyourowncommunicationstyle.Eachpersonhasauniquestyleofcommunication.Listentoyourownspeech.Evaluateyourwords,yourtoneofvoice,andyourbodylanguage.Compareyourowncommunicationstylewiththatofindividualswhomyoujudgetobeeffectivecommunicators.Self-evaluationisanimportantfirststepinimprovinggendercommunication.
PastorJohnBrownbegantonoticethathewasmuchmorecomfortablegreetingmenofhischurchthanthewomen.Herealizedthathecouldnaturallytalka