5LoveisaFallacy课文.docx
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5LoveisaFallacy课文
LoveisaFallacy
MaxShulman
1CharlesLamb,asmerryandenterprisingafellowasyouwillmeetinamonthofSundays,unfetteredtheinformalessaywithhismemorableOldChinaandDream'sChildren.TherefollowsaninformalessaythatventuresevenbeyondLamb'sfrontier,indeed,"informal"maynotbequitetherightwordtodescribethisessay;"limp"or"flaccid"orpossibly"spongy"areperhapsmoreappropriate.
2Vaguethoughitscategory,itiswithoutdoubtanessay.Itdevelopsanargument;itcitesinstances;itreachesaconclusion.CouldCarlyledomore?
CouldRuskin?
3Read,then,thefollowingessaywhichundertakestodemonstratethatlogic,farfrombeingadry,pedanticdiscipline,isaliving,breathingthing,fullofbeauty,passion,andtrauma--Author'sNote
4CoolwasIandlogical.Keen,calculating,perspicacious,acuteandastute--Iwasallofthese.Mybrainwasaspowerfulasadynamo,aspreciseasachemist'sscales,aspenetratingasascalpel.And--thinkofit!
--Iwasonlyeighteen.
5Itisnotoftenthatonesoyounghassuchagiantintellect.Take,forexample,PeteyButch,myroommateattheUniversityofMinnesota.Sameage,samebackground,butdumbasanox.Aniceenoughyoungfellow,youunderstand,butnothingupstairs.Emotionaltype.Unstable.Impressionable.Worstofall,afaddist.Fads,Isubmit,aretheverynegationofreason.Tobesweptupineverynewcrazethatcomesalong,tosurrenderyourselftoidiocyjustbecauseeverybodyelseisdoingit--this,tome,istheacmeofmindlessness.Not,however,toPetey.
6OneafternoonIfoundPeteylyingonhisbedwithanexpressionofsuchdistressonhisfacethatIimmediatelydiagnosedappendicitis."Don'tmove,"Isaid."Don'ttakealaxative.I'llgetadoctor."
7"Raccoon,"hemumbledthickly.
8"Raccoon?
"Isaid,pausinginmyflight.
9"1wantaraccooncoat,"hewailed.
10Iperceivedthathistroublewasnotphysical,butmental."Whydoyouwantaraccooncoat?
"
11"1shouldhaveknownit,"hecried,poundinghistemples."1shouldhaveknownthey'dcomebackwhentheCharlestoncameback.LikeafoolIspentallmymoneyfortextbooks,andnowIcan'tgetaraccooncoat."
12"Canyoumean."Isaidincredulously,"thatpeopleareactuallywearingraccooncoatsagain?
"
13"AlltheBigMenonCampusarewearingthem.Where'veyoubeen?
"
14"Inthelibrary,"Isaid,namingaplacenotfrequentedbyBigMenonCampus
15Heleapedfromthebedandpacedtheroom,"I'vegottohavearaccooncoat,"hesaidpassionately."I'vegotto!
"
16"Petey,why?
Lookatitrationally.Raccooncoatsareunsanitary.Theyshed.Theysmellbad.Theyweighttoomuch.They'reunsightly.They--"
17"Youdon'tunderstand,"heinterruptedimpatiently."It'sthethingtodo.Don'tyouwanttobeintheswim?
"
18"No,"Isaidtruthfully.
19"Well,Ido,"hedeclared."I'dgiveanythingforaraccooncoat.Anything!
"
20Mybrain,thatprecisioninstrument,slippedintohighgear."Anything?
"Iasked,lookingathimnarrowly.
21"Anything,"heaffirmedinringingtones.
22Istrokedmychinthoughtfully.ItsohappenedthatIknewwheretosetmyhandsonaraccooncoat.Myfatherhadhadoneinhisundergraduatedays;itlaynowinatrunkintheatticbackhome.ItalsohappenedthatPeteyhadsomethingIwanted.Hedidn'thaveitexactly,butatleasthehadfirstrightsonit.Irefertohisgirl,PollyEspy.
23IhadlongcovetedPollyEspy.Letmeemphasizethatmydesireforthisyoungwomanwasnotemotionalinnature.Shewas,tobesure,agirlwhoexcitedtheemotionsbutIwasnotonetoletmyheartrulemyhead.IwantedPollyforashrewdlycalculated,entirelycerebralreason.
24Iwasafreshmaninlawschool.InafewyearsIwouldbeoutinpractice.Iwaswellawareoftheimportanceoftherightkindofwifeinfurtheringalawyer'scareer.ThesuccessfullawyersIhadobservedwere,almostwithoutexception,marriedtobeautiful,gracious,intelligentwomen.Withoneomission,Pollyfittedthesespecificationsperfectly.
25Beautifulshewas.Shewasnotyetofpin-upproportionsbutIfeltsurethattimewouldsupplythelackShealreadyhadthemakings.
26Graciousshewas.BygraciousImeanfullofgraces.Shehadanerectnessofcarriage,aneaseofbearing,apoisethatclearlyindicatedthebestofbreeding,Attablehermannerswereexquisite.IhadseenherattheKozyKampusKornereatingthespecialtyofthehouse--asandwichthatcontainedscrapsofpotroast,gravy,choppednuts,andadipperofsauerkraut--withoutevengettingherfingersmoist.
27Intelligentshewasnot.infact,sheveeredintheoppositedirection.ButIbelievedthatundermyguidanceshewouldsmartenup.Atanyrate,itwasworthatry.Itis,afterall,easiertomakeabeautifuldumbgirlsmartthantomakeanuglysmartgirlbeautiful.
28"Petey,"Isaid,"areyouinlovewithPollyEspy?
"
29"1thinkshe'sakeenkid,"hereplied,"butIdon'tknowifyou'dcallitlove.Why?
"
30"Doyou,"Iasked,"haveanykindofformalarrangementwithher?
Imeanareyougoingsteadyoranythinglikethat?
"
31"No.Weseeeachotherquiteabit,butwebothhaveotherdates.Why?
"
32"Isthere,"Iasked,"anyothermanforwhomshehasaparticularfondness?
"
33"NotthatIknowof.Why?
"
34Inoddedwithsatisfaction."Inotherwords,ifyouwereoutofthepicture,thefieldwouldbeopen.Isthatright?
"
35"1guessso.Whatareyougettingat?
"
36"Nothing,nothing,"Isaidinnocently,andtookmysuitcaseoutofthecloset.
37"Whereareyougoing?
"askedPetey.
38"Homefortheweekend."Ithrewafewthingsintothebag.
39"Listen,"hesaid,clutchingmyarmeagerly,"whileyou'rehome,youcouldn'tgetsomemoneyfromyouroldman,couldyou,andlendittomesoIcanbuyaraccooncoat?
"
40"1maydobetterthanthat,"Isaidwithamysteriouswinkandclosedmybagandleft.
41"Look,"IsaidtoPeteywhenIgotbackMondaymorning.Ithrewopenthesuitcaseandrevealedthehuge,hairy,gamyobjectthatmyfatherhadworninhisStutzBearcatin1925.
42"HolyToledo!
"saidPeteyreverently.Heplungedhishandsintotheraccooncoatandthenhisface."HolyToledo!
"herepeatedfifteenortwentytimes.
43"Wouldyoulikeit?
"Iasked.
44"Ohyes!
"hecried,clutchingthegreasypelttohim.Thenacannylookcameintohiseyes."Whatdoyouwantforit?
"
45"Yourgirl,"Isaid,mincingnowords.
46"Polly?
"hesaidinahorrifiedwhisper."YouwantPolly?
"
47"That'sright."
48Heflungthecoatfromhim."Never,"hesaidstoutly.
49Ishrugged."Okay.Ifyoudon'twanttobeintheswim,Iguessit'syourbusiness."
50Isatdowninachairandpretendedtoreadabook,butoutofthecornerofmyeyeIkeptwatchingPetey.Hewasatornman.Firsthelookedatthecoatwiththeexpressionofawaifatabakerywindow.Thenheturnedawayandsethisjawresolutely.Thenhelookedbackatthecoat,withevenmorelonginginhisface.Thenheturnedaway,butwithnotsomuchresolutionthistime.Backandforthhisheadswiveled,desirewaxing,resolutionwaning.Finallyhedidn'tturnawayatall;hejuststoodandstaredwithmadlustatthecoat.
51"Itisn'tasthoughIwasinlovewithPolly,"hesaidthickly."Orgoingsteadyoranythinglikethat."
52"That'sright,"Imurmured.
53"What'sPollytome,ormetoPolly?
"
54"Notathing,"saidI.
55"It'sjustbeenacasualkick--justafewlaughs,that'sall."
56"Tryonthecoat,"saidI.
57Hecomplied.Thecoatbunchedhighoverhisearsanddroppedallthewaydowntohisshoetops.Helookedlikeamoundofdeadraccoons."Fitsfine,"hesaidhappily.
58Irosefrommychair."Isitadeal?
"Iasked,extendingmyhand.
59Heswallowed."It'sadeal,"hesaidandshookmyhand.
60IhadmyfirstdatewithPollythefollowingevening.Thiswasinthenatureofasurvey;IwantedtofindoutjusthowmuchworkIhadtodotogetherminduptothestandardIrequired.Itookherfirsttodinner."Gee,thatwasadelish(=delicious)dinner,"shesaidaswelefttherestaurant.ThenItookhertoamovie."Gee,thatwasamarvy(=marvelous)movie,"shesaidasweleftthetheater.AndthenItookherhome."Gee,Ihadasensaysh(=sensational)time,"shesaidasshebademegoodnight.
61Iwentbacktomyroomwithaheavyheart.Ihadgravelyunderestimatedthesizeofmytask.Thisgirl'slackofinformationwasterrifying.NorwoulditbeenoughmerelytosupplyherwithinformationFirstshehadtobetaughttothink.Thisloomedasaprojectofnosmalldimensions,andatfirstIwastemptedtogiveherbacktoPetey.ButthenIgottothinkingaboutherabundantphysicalcharmsandaboutthewaysheenteredaroomandthewayshehandledaknifeandfork,andIdecidedtomakeaneffort.
62Iwentaboutit,asinallthings,systematically.Igaveheracourseinlogic.IthappenedthatI,asalawstudent,wastakingacourseinlogicmyself,soIhadallthefactsatmyfingertips."Polly,"IsaidtoherwhenIpickedheruponournextdate,"tonightwearegoingovertotheKnollandtalk."
63"0o,terrif(=terrific),"shereplied.OnethingIwillsayforthisgirl:
youwouldgofartofindanothersoagreeable.
64WewenttotheKnoll,thecampustrystingplace,andwesatdownunderanoldoak,andshelookedatmeexpectantly."Whatarewegoingtotalkabout?
"sheasked.
65"Logic."
66Shethoughtthisoverforaminuteanddecidedshelikedit."Magnif(=magnificent),"shesaid.
67"Logic,"Isaid,clearingmythroat,"isthescienceofthinking.Beforewecanthinkcorrectly,wemustfirstlearntorecognizethecommo