英语搞笑短剧剧本1.docx
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英语搞笑短剧剧本1
三打白骨精
ThreeTimes’BeatingMonster
人物:
T唐僧S:
孙悟空E:
猪八戒
J:
沙僧
B:
白骨精(何平)B1:
B变成的村姑B2:
B变成的太婆B3:
B变化成的老头
T:
Emitofo,doyouknowwherewearenow?
S:
Bajie,map!
E:
(摸出,递给S)
S:
Look,boss(凑近T)………(T、S一齐转向E)
T:
Bajie!
HowManytimesIhavetoldyou,don’tbringthesepicturesofbeautifulgirls!
E:
Oh,boss!
Forgiveme(伸手拿回)
T:
(缩手)I’llkeepitforyouuntilwereachthewest
E:
But……
T:
Emitofo,nothingislust,lustisnothing!
Map?
E:
(递)Here.Em……wehavearrivedinWhiteTigerMountain!
AhIcan’twalkonanymore!
(坐)Mystomachdoesn’tallowSo.
S:
FatPig!
E:
Monkey,ifyoudaretosaythesetwowordsonceagain,Iwill,Iwill……….
S:
Youwillwhat(凶相)?
E:
(软禁)Iwillhelpyoucatchfleas(跳蚤).
S:
Hm!
T:
(轻咳)Wukong,factually,IamabithungryCouldyougotogetmesomefood?
E:
Yousee,bossishungry,too!
T:
Baijie!
Don’tforgetwhoatemylastmeal!
J:
Butboss,ifamonstercomeswhilebrothermonkeyisaway…..
T:
Em…….Itisaproblem.Wukong,doyouhaveanyidea?
S:
Noproblem!
(安装)(B已躲在一旁偷看)
J:
Thisis…..?
S:
Electricnet!
Ihavelearnttheenergyofelectricityfromboss’sbooks.SoImadethis.Nomonstercanapproachyouifyoustayinit!
T:
Em……Wukong,youarebecomingmoreandmorescientific!
Emitofo,knowledgeispower!
S:
Bye!
(走)
T:
Let’splaycards!
(三人开始打牌)音乐《斗地主》
B:
Hm!
Hm!
Electricnet?
Youaretoochildish.(变成B1)
B1:
(接近三人,望着)CanIjoinyou?
J:
I’msorry,lady.WeareplayingFightingAgainstlandownerandthreepeopleareenough.
B1:
(在一旁观看)Oh,Chance!
Bomb!
T:
Bomb?
(打出)
B1:
DoubleKing!
T:
Oh….Iwin!
Em……,Lady,youareaboss-hand.Comeinandteachme!
(准备开电网门)
S:
(回来,看见B1)Oh,monster!
(上前就打)
B1:
(倒)Ah……
T:
(气愤)Wukong!
Lookwhathavedone!
Sheismyteacher!
S:
Sheisamonster!
T:
Nonsense!
(深呼吸)
S:
Oh,pleasedon’t……
T:
It’stoolate!
(唱)Oncemore……youopenthedoor…(泰坦尼克主题曲,走音离谱)
S:
Please,Please,oh,no……(痛苦抱头)
T:
(呛住,咳)Wukong,I’mdisappointedwithyou!
B:
(真身出现)Hm!
SunWukong,I’llteachyoualesson!
(变成太婆)
B2:
Hello,haveyouseenmydaughter?
T:
Daughter?
...(连忙挡住地尸体)No,sorry!
(陪笑,B2想看后面是什么,T挡)
S:
(咬牙切齿)Youmonster,I’llbeatyouintohell!
(S追打B2,B2躲至T身后,S打,不想打到T头,T晕,S再打死B2)
E&J:
AreyouOk,boss?
(扶T)
J:
Look,(伸食指)howmany?
T:
Two…..(晕乎乎地)SunWukong,gameover!
(变成B3)
B3:
(看到B1,B2尸体)Oh….,mydaughter,mywife!
Whodidit?
!
!
(哭喊)
S:
I’llkillyou,monster!
(打)
T:
(想阻止,未及)You,you.....(险些晕,E,J扶住)Youhavekilledthreelives!
S:
No,theyarenothumanbeings!
Theyarecreatedbymonster!
T:
Monster?
Youarearealmonster!
Neverletmeseeyou,go!
!
S:
(悲,离去)(音乐,营造“假”悲伤气氛)《人鬼情未了》
J:
boss,brotherMonkeyis.......
T:
Don'tmentionthatguyanymore!
B:
(出现)Ha,ha,ha!
(三尸体B1,B2,B3在B招手后“飘”走)
T:
(惊)Youare......
B:
Howfoolishyouare,MrTang!
(E,J去阻斗,被击退)
B:
(抓住T)I'llenjoyyourmeatandblood,ha,ha......
S:
(悄悄走到B后,打B,B晕)Athousandyearslater.
T:
Wukong?
E:
Oh,BrotherMonkey!
J:
Ourheroisback!
T:
I,Ican'tunderstand......Whathappened?
S:
Boss,yourIQneedsincreasing!
Thismonsterchangeditsappearanceintothreeshapesinordertocheatyou!
T:
How,howdidyoufindout?
S:
(沉默).......Monkey'sintuition(直觉)
T:
Wukong(S不理T)Iadmitmymistakethistime(S仍不理)I'msorry(小声)
S:
What?
T:
I'msorry.
S:
Em?
Louder,please?
T:
I......am......sorry.....(S捂耳)(音乐响)《敢问路在何方》(这个放伴奏)
(谢幕)
《孔雀东南飞》
Wanderseveryfivemiles
焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)
焦母Johnny’smother(JMforshort)刘母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)
太守之子Mayor’sson(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)
Prologue
(J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)
J:
EverybodysaysthatI’mhenpecked,butinfact,I’masstrongasatiger,(小声)whilemy
wifeisWuSong.
(指着上台处的门大声道)I’mnotafraidofyou!
(内砸出一脸盆,J接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’mafraidofwhom?
MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheisbraverthanme,
smarterthanmeandstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetender
thanme.Butsheisnot!
Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!
(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)
MyGod!
Whocanhelpme?
(下)
Act1
(序幕结束时,JM作窃听状)
JM(拄拐棍上):
Ican!
(对门内)Lunch!
Lunch!
Whereareyou?
L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):
I’mhere!
What’supmum?
JM:
I’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefuland
dearestmother-in-law”.
L:
OK.Mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup?
JM:
Sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,so
lazy……
L:
But……
JM:
Neverinterruptme!
L:
Neverinterruptme!
SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohnny,Ihavebeenworkinghardall
daylong,cookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchicken
and……
JM:
Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!
L(生气地挥动着锅铲):
Oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou?
(开始解围裙)Goandaskyour
son.I’mleaving!
(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)
Act2
(LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)
L:
Mum,I’mback!
LM:
Youareback?
Why?
Whathappened?
L:
Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother–in-law.
LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):
See!
Ihavealreadytoldyou!
Whenyouinsistedon
marryingthatterribleJohnny,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlisten
tome.Lookatyourself……
L:
But,mum……
LM:
Neverinterruptme!
L:
Mum,I’mnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightOK?
And
I’llmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.
LM(大喜):
Nicegirl!
Justnow,Imetthemayor’ssoninthemarket.Hesaid:
“Ifyoudaughter
Haven’tbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!
”Nowyouarefreeagain,I’llgo
andtellhim.(下)
L(惊愕):
What?
Themayor’sson?
Themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?
(手中的锅
铲掉在地上)WhatasillythingIhavedone!
(下)
Act3
(J睡眼惺忪上)
J(边走边道):
Lunch!
Lunch!
Wherearemysocks?
(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Heretheyare!
(闻一下) Er!
Howsmelly!
Theyarestilldirty!
(突然想起)Lunchhasgone!
Ihavetowashthemmyself.
(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh,I’msohungry!
Butthere’snobreakfast!
(捡起地上的围
裙)ThisiswhatLunchalwayswears!
Imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!
Now
shehasgone.Ihavetocookformymotherandmyself.
JM(上):
Where’smybreakfast?
Where’sLunch?
Hasn’tshegotupyet?
J:
Mum,can’tyouremember?
Lunchhasgone!
JM(沉吟片刻):
Well,totellyouthetruthJohnny,asonwithoutawifeisuseless.Lunchisanice
girl,goandtakeherback!
J(立正敬礼):
Yesmadam!
Act4
(J开心地走着,忽然跳出来三个强盗)
A:
Heyyou!
Stopandlistentous!
Theroadisbuiltbyme!
(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)
B:
AndIplantedonetree!
(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)
C:
Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---(欲踩石头,但踩到了A的脚)
AB&C:
Giveusallyourmoney!
J(搜遍了每一个口袋,掏出1角硬币):
Is1maoenough?
(三强盗晕倒状,接着三人聚在一边商量)
A:
Whatbadluck!
Thisguyisbroken!
B:
Ifwecannotrobanymoneytoday,wewillhavenothingtoeattonight!
C:
Iheardthatthemayor’ssonisgoingtomarryMissLiuLanzhinextmonth.WEcangoand
robthewedding!
A&B:
Goodidea!
J(惊讶):
What?
What?
Lunchisgoingtogetmarried?
It’simpossible!
AB&C:
Why?
Aprettygirlandarichman,whatagoodcouple!
J:
ButLunchismywife!
Wehaven’tgotdivorcedyet!
(突然有了主意)I’vegotanidea!
Youaregoingtorobthewedding,don’tyou?
I’llgo
withyou.YoutakethemoneyandItakethebride.
B:
Haveyougotanyexperience?
J:
No.ButI’vegotthis!
(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票,上书$1,000,000)
Act5
(转眼已到了婚礼之期.MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上,J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)
(J和三强盗跃至台中)
ABC&J:
Heyyou!
Stopandlistentous!
A:
Theroadisbuiltbyme!
B:
AndIplantedonetree.
C:
Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---
J:
Giveusallyourmoney!
(L听到J的声音,掀起了盖头)
L(惊喜万分):
Johnny!
(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)
(MS大怒,挥拳向J打来.J矮身一躲,MS打中了J身后的L,L晕倒)
J(火冒三丈):
Howdareyoubeatmywife!
(挥拳向MS冲去)
(J与MS混战,JM上,以拐杖击晕MS)
(J将MS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)
J(扶起L,关切地问):
Honey,howareyou?
L(哭状):
Ihurtalot!
J:
Don’tcrybaby.I’llgoandfetchthemedicine. (下)
L(起身去追):
Waitforme!
(跑下)
(音乐起 CanYouCelebrate)
Bigwordsofwesterntour(大话西游)
Chapter1
Site:
Thewedding
Characters:
牛魔王、至尊宝、紫霞、小妖
Aside:
Thestorybeginswithawedding.TheBullKingisgoingtohaveaconcubine.
牛:
Todayismywedding.Iamgoingtohaveaconcubine.Hahaha…….
妖:
Concubine?
Doseyourwifeagreetoit?
牛:
Oh!
Sheisnotlovelyanymore.She’srightnowattheFlameMountain.Shecandonothingaboutit!
(至尊宝从后台走入人群中)
牛:
Letmeintroducemybrothertoyou!
Mybro!
Comehere!
Thisismybrother.
(牛深情地转向紫霞)
牛:
Zixia,listentome.IthinkI‘vefalleninlovewithyouonceIknowyou.Iwanttoshowmysincerity.SoIrequestyoutomarrymeinfrontofmybros.ThisPandora’sBoxismygifttoyou.Ihopeyouwouldsayyes.
妖:
Iobject!
牛:
What?
妖:
Zixiahasameanstotestherlover.Ifyoucanpassit,Iwillshoutup!
至:
What’sthis?
Really?
妖:
ThistestisthatshewouldmarrytheguywhocanmakeherMagicSwordgooutofthescabbard.
(剑从至的怀中落下)
妖:
MagicSword?
牛:
Letmedothis!
(紫跑出,拾剑)
紫:
It’snottrue!
It’sjustajoke.Itisstillmeaninglessevenifyoucanputitout!
(紫跑下)
妖:
King,IronFanPrincesshascome.
牛:
Aaa……
(牛惊慌地跑下)
Aside:
Themonkeykingleavesthefronthall,runningtobackgarden……
Chapter2
Site:
BullKing’sbackgarden
Characters:
至尊宝、紫霞
(至跑过来,突然看到紫独自坐在台阶上,于是走过来)
至:
Whyareyouhidinghere?
(紫抽剑,指向至。
两人定格,至走出来,独白)
至:
Atthistime,thebladeisreallyclosetome,0.01cmIthink.Butafterashortperiodoftime,0.01secondIthink,theowneroftheswordwillfallformewhole-heartedly.BecauseI’vedecidedtotelllies,I’vetoldmanyliesinmylife,butIthinkitisthemostwonderfullie!
紫:
I’llkillyouifyoucomecloser!
至:
Youshouldkillme!
Killme!
I’dfoundmybestlove,butIdidn’ttreasureher.Ileftregretfulafterthat.It’stheultimatepainintheworld.Justcutmythroat,pleasedon’thesitate!
IfGodcangivemeachance,Iwilltellhertherewords.“Iloveyou”.IfGodwantstogiveatimelimit,I’llsaythislovewilllast10thousandyears!
(紫长叹,抛剑,拾剑,抱剑)
紫:
Whatcanyoutellyourwife?
至:
Ihavetotellherthetruth.SoImustgetthePandora’sBoxback.Thengobackwithyouandexplaineverything.ButIhatemyselfthatIcan’tgettheboxback.I……
紫:
Ihelpyou!
至:
No,it’sdangerous!
紫:
Youdon’twantto?
至:
Ido!
But……
紫:
Itrustyou!
I’llgetthePandora’sBoxbacktonight.Waitformehereatmidnight.
(猪喊)
至:
Letmedosomethingtomybossfirst.Seeyoutonight.
(依依不舍)
Aside:
Thenight……
Chapter3
Site:
Dungeon
Characters:
至尊宝、猪八戒、沙僧、唐僧
猪和沙:
Master,master
(两人同时悄声说)
猪:
Wecometosaveyou.
沙:
Wecometobringyouout.
唐:
Iwon’tgo.
猪和沙:
Stayhere?
Why?
唐:
There’refullofobstaclesinthewayofgettingscriptures.Thi