英语幽默小笑话大全.docx
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英语幽默小笑话大全
英语幽默小笑话大全
1.akiss
Atadinnerparty,thespeaker,whowastheguestofhonor,wasabouttodeliveraspeechwhenhiswifesittingattheotherendofthetable,senthimapieceofpaperwiththeword"KISS"scribbledonit.
Theguestseatednexttothespeakersaid,"Yourwifemustloveyouverymuch,Iseehersendyoua'KISS'beforeyoubeginyourspeech."
Thespeakersmiledandexplained,"Youdon'tknowmywife.The'KISS'shegivemestandsfor'KeepItShort,Stupid.'"
2.Ateacherwastryingtomakeuseofherpsychologycourses.Shestartedherclassbysaying,"Everyonewhothinksyou'restupid,standup!
"
LittleJohnnythenstoodup.
Theteachersaid,"Doyouthinkyou'restupid,Johnny?
"
"No,ma'am,butIhatetoseeyoustandingthereallbyyourself!
"
一个老师在对学生们讲心理学,“谁认为自己蠢就站起来?
”她一开始就说。
小约翰尼站了起来。
“你认为你很蠢吗,小约翰尼?
”老师问。
“不是的,老师,我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。
”
3.agreatman
Teacher:
WouldShakespearebeagreat
manifhewerestillalivetoday?
Student:
Ofcourse.Hemustbeagreatman,forsofarnobodyhaslivedtoover400years.
一名伟人
老师:
如果莎士比亚还活着,他会是一名伟人吗?
学生:
当然。
因为到目前为止,还没有人活到400多岁。
4TwoCutedogs
Amanwalksintoashopandseesacutelittledog.Heaskstheshopkeeper,"Does
yourdogbite?
"Theshopkeepersays,"No,mydogdoesnotbite."Themantriestopetthedogandthedogbiteshim."Ouch,"hesays,"Ithoughtyousaidyourdogdoesnotbite!
"Theshopkeeperreplies,"Thatisnotmydog."
6.Policeman:
Whydidn'tyoushoutforhelpwhenyouwererobbedofyourwatch?
Man:
IfIhadopenedmymouth,they'dhavefoundmyfourgoldteeth.Thatwouldbemuchworse.
警察:
有人抢你的手表时,你为什么不呼救呢?
男子:
要是我张口的话,他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。
那就更糟了。
7.Thelittlegirldidnotlikethelookofthebarkingdog.
"It'sallright,"saidagentleman,"don'tbeafraid.Don'tyouknowtheproverb:
Barkingdogsdon'tbite?
"
"Ah,yes,"answeredthelittlegirl."Iknowtheproverb,butdoesthedogknowtheproverb,too?
"
一个小女孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。
“没有关系,”一位先生说,“不用害怕,你知道这条谚语吗:
‘吠狗不咬人。
’”
“啊,我是知道,可是狗也知道吗?
”
8.ClassandAss
ProfessorLaurieofGlasgowputthisnoticeonhisdoor:
“ProfessorLauriewillnotmeethisclassestoday.”Astudent,afterreadingthenotice,rubbedoutthe“c”.LaterProfessorLauriecamealong,andenteringintothespiritofthejoke,rubbedoutthe“l”.
格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知:
“劳里教授今天不会他的班。
”一个学生读了通知后,擦掉了字母“c”。
后来劳里教授来了,也想开开玩笑,他擦掉了字母“l”。
9.Nomatterwhichgirlhebroughthome,theyoungmanfounddisapprovalfromhismother.Afriendgavehimadvice.“Findagirljustlikeyourmother—thenshe'sboundtolikeher.Sotheyoungmansearchedandsearched,andfinallyfoundthegirl.Hetoldhisfriendlyadviser:
“Justlikeyousaid,Ifoundagirlwholooked,talked,dressed,andevencookedlikemother.Andjustasyousaid,motherlikedher”“So,”askedthefriend,“whathappened?
”“Nothing,”saidtheyoungman.“Myfatherhatesher!
”
无论带哪一个女孩回家,这位青年人总会遭到母亲的反对。
一位朋友劝他说:
“找一个和你母亲一样的女孩——那她一定会喜欢她。
”于是这位青年人不停地找啊找,终于找到了这么个女孩。
正像你说的那样,我找到一个长相、谈吐、穿着打扮,甚至连烹饪都和我母亲一样的女孩。
也正像你说的那样,我母亲喜欢她。
”“那后来呢?
”朋友问。
“没什么,”青年人说。
“我父亲讨厌她!
”
10TheSameService
.Amanwhohadbeenmarriedfortenyearswasconsultingamarriagecounselor.“WhenIwasfirstmarried,Iwasveryhappy.I'dcomehomefromaharddaydownattheshop,andmylittledogwouldracearoundbarking,andmywifewouldbringmemyslippers.Noweverything'schanged.WhenIcomehome,mydogbringsmemyslippers,andmywifebarksatme.”“Idon'tknowwhatyou'recomplainingabout,”saidthecounselor.“You'restillgettingthesameservice.”
一个结婚十年的男人正在请教一位婚姻顾问。
“刚结婚那会儿,我非常幸福。
我在店里劳累一天回到家,我的小狗会绕着我跑,汪汪叫,而我的妻子给我拿来拖鞋。
现在一切都变了。
我回到家里,我的狗给我拿来拖鞋,我的妻子对着我汪汪叫。
”“我不知道你在抱怨什么,”婚姻顾问说。
“你得到的服务还是一样的呀。
”
11.Ahighwaypatrolofficerstoppedaspeedingmotorist."Don'tyouknowwhattheblinkinglightsandsirenmean?
"hedemanded.
"Yes,sir,"repliedthedriver.
"Thenwhydidn'tyoupulloverimmediately?
"
"Iwouldhave,officer,"themansaid."Butlastmonthmywiferanoffwithapoliceman,andIwasafraidyouwerebringingherback.
一位公路巡警截住了一个超速司机。
“难道你不知道闪烁灯和警笛的意思吗?
”他责问道。
“知道,长官,”司机回答说。
“那你为什么不立即靠边停车?
”
“我本来想这样做的,长官。
”那男子回答说,“但上个月我妻子和一位警察私奔了,我是害怕你把她带回来。
”
12.Workman:
“Mr.Brown,Ishouldliketoaskforasmallriseinmywages.Ihavejustbeenmarried.”Employer:
“Verysorry,mydearman,butIcan'thelpyou.Foraccidentswhichhappentoourworkmenoutsidethefactory,wearenotresponsible.”
工人:
“布朗先生,我想请您给我加一点工资。
我刚刚结了婚。
”雇主:
“非常抱歉,老兄,但是我无能为力。
对工人在厂外发生的事故我们概不负责。
”
13.SirWilliamThompsonwasverydeafbuthedidnotlikepeopletoknowthis.Oneeveninghehadinvitedseveralfriendstodinner,andwhiletheyweresittingatthetable,oneofthefriendstoldafunnystory.Everyonelaughed,andSirWilliam,whohadlaughedasloudasanyone,said,“Thatwasaveryfunnyjoke,butIknowafunnierone.Wouldyouliketohearit?
”Theyallsaidtheywould,soSirWilliambeganhisstory.Whenitended,everyonelaughedlouderthaneverandSirWilliamsmiledhap