杰西艾森伯格小文章.docx

杰西艾森伯格小文章.docx

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杰西艾森伯格小文章

MANAGEABLETONGUETWISTERS.

BY JESSEEISENBERG---

[OriginallypublishedNovember30,2009.]----

PeterJohnsonselectedagroupofjarredspices.

IfPeterJohnsonselectedagroupofjarredspices,

HowmanyjarredspicesdidPeterJohnsonselect?

---

Howmuchlumbercouldawoodchuckdiscard 

Ifawoodchuckcoulddiscardlumber?

---

Sallypeddlesfishexoskeletonsdownbythebeach.

---

FuzzyWuzzyhadbeenabear.

Buthewasbald.

So,ifthiswasthecase,

Hecouldn’thavebeenveryfuzzy,right?

---

Mosesthinkshisphalangesareperennials.

ButMosesiswrong.

Fornoone’sphalangesareperennials, 

LikeMosesthinkshisphalangesare.

---

Onesmartfellow,

hethoughthewasdeservedofthistitle.

Twosmartfellows,

theyalsothoughttheyweredeservedofthistitle.

Threesmartfellows,

theyallthoughttheyweredeservedofthis

collectivedesignation.

---

Redandyellowleather.

NewYorkisdifferent.

---

ElizabethBotterpaidmoneyformargarine.

Butthemargarine

forwhichElizabethBotterpaidwastart.

SoElizabethBotter 

paidmoneyforsomesuperiormargarine,

anditmadeElizabethBotter’s 

once-tartmixturegood.

---

MymothercoercedmetodestroymyMarsbrandchocolatecandies.

---

Jamesbifurcatedcorn,

AlthoughIdon’treallygiveashit.

---

Iscream. 

Thenyoujoinme.

Prettysoonweallfindourselves 

Shoutingpraisesforfrozencustard.

MARXIST-SOCIALISTSJOKES.

BY JESSEEISENBERG

----

[OriginallypublishedFebruary24,2010.]

---

WhydidtheMarxist-Socialistcrosstheroad?

TogettotheMarxist-Socialistsit-inontheothersideoftheroad.

--

HowmanyMarxist-Socialistsdoesittaketoscrewinalightbulb?

Two.Onetoscrewinthelightbulb,onetolamentMiltonFriedman’slaissez-faireeconomicpolicies.

--

AMarxist-Socialistwalksintoabarandasksthebartenderifhe’sunionized.

--

Knockknock.

Who’sthere?

AMarxist-Socialist.

AMarxist-Socialistwho?

AMarxist-Socialistwhowantstogiveyouapamphletaboutclassstruggle.

--

WhatdidoneMarxist-Socialistsaytoanother?

Likeyou,Ialsoadvocateaproletarianrevolutionculminatingincollectiveownership.

--

WhatdoyougetwhenyoucrossaMarxistwithaSocialist?

Twopeoplewhogenerallyfeelthatthevalueofacommodityisequaltoitssociallynecessarylabortime.

--

What’sthedifferencebetweenaMarxist-SocialistandaKeynesianeconomist?

Severalthings,includingbutnotlimitedtothefollowing:

TheMarxist-Socialistbelievesthatworkersshouldownthemeansofproduction,whereasKeynesianssupporttheprivateownershipoverthemeansofproduction.Marxist-Socialistsbelievethatcentralizedgovernmentwouldultimatelywitherawayafterarevolution,whereasKeynesiansadvocategreatergovernmentactiontoensurefullsocietalemployment.Finally,aMarxist-SocialistwouldnotbeinvitedtoapartythataKeynesianwasthrowingatworkbecausetheKeynesianknowsthattheMarxist-SocialistwouldthrowastinkaboutthewaythecubiclesintheKeynesian’sofficewerearranged.

--

Howdoyougetaone-armedMarxist-Socialistoutofatree?

Asktwoteamsterstodrivethree AFL-CIO riggerseachcarryingan IAFF approvedladdertothetreeandhelptheone-armedMarxist-Socialistdown.

--

TheMarxist-Socialist’smotherissofat,thatwhentheMarxist-Socialist’smotherlamentsstagflation,she actually stagflates.

--

APriest,aRabbiandaMarxist-Socialistareinanairplanethatisgoingtocrashandthereareonlytwoparachutes.ThePriestsays,“IhavealwaysfollowedthewordofJesus,soIshouldhaveoneoftheparachutes.”TheRabbisays,“Ipaidfortheplanerental,soIshouldalsohaveoneoftheparachutes.”TheMarxist-Socialistsays,“Iwouldnormallyadvocateallocatingtheseoutaccordingtoone’smeans,butI’mafraidofdyingandwouldlikeoneofthechutes,please.”

APOSTGENDERNORMATIVEMANTRIESTOPICKUPAWOMANATABAR.

BY JESSEEISENBERG

----

[OriginallypublishedJuly21,2011.]

---

Hey,how’sitgoing?

MindifIsidleup?

IsawyouoverheresittingaloneandIthought,that’sfine.Awomanshouldbeabletoself-sustain.Infactalotofwomenarechoosingtostayalone,whatwithadvancesinsalaryequitabilityandmaternityextensions,andIthinkit’sanimportantandcompellingtrend.

InoticedthatyouwereabouttofinishyourdrinkandIwaswonderingifIcouldpossiblywatchyoupurchaseanotherone.And,attheriskofbeingforward,ifyoucouldpossiblypurchaseoneforme.

Whatdoyoudo?

Andbeforeyouanswer,I’mnotlookingforanecessarilywork-relatedresponse.Idon’tthinkwehavetobedefinedbyourindustrialpursuits,especiallywhenthey’reantiquatedandhetero-normative.Icursemymother,whoisanotherwiselovelyhumanperson,fornotbuyingmeanEasy-BakeOvenwhenIwasyounger.IgrewupidolizingmalethugslikeNeilArmstrongandJimmyCarter.And,yes,Iworkat ESPN,butIspendmoretimebeingspiritualandovercomingadversity,forexample,thanIdoworkingforsomefacelesscorporation.AndifIweretofindamate,beityouorsomeoneelseheretonight,Iwouldbemorethanhappytotelltheproverbial“man”thatIquitsoIcanraiseouroffspringwithgender-neutralhobbies,whilemybiologicallyfemalepartnercontinuestopursueherinterests,betheyindustrial,recreationaloryes,evensexualwithanothermate.

So…

CrazynewsaboutthefirstfemaleAfricanheadofstateandLiberia’ssittingpresident,EllenJohnson-Sirleaf,huh?

Announcinghercandidacyfor2011sosoon!

Wow.Whatdoyouthinkofherchances?

Ithinkshe’sashoo-in,butI’madmittedlyabitconcernedaboutPrinceJohnsonmakingsomelastminutestrides,especiallyamongsttheGiopeopleintheNimbaregion.I’mthinkingoflaunchingaletterwritingcampaignonbehalfofEJ-SoratleastcoldcallingpotentialNimbavotersoverSkype.

Oh,howgaucheofme!

I’vejustbeenchatteringawayincessantlylikesomekindofboyorgirlwhotalksalot.Ihaven’tevenproperlyintroducedmyself.Although,oneoftengetstheuneasysensethatpatriarchydictatesalearnedandultimatelydamagingorderofeventswithmentakinganunearnedlead.MynameisTerri,withaheartoverthei,insteadofadot.Ihaveaheart,iswhatthatsays,andI’mnotafraidtowearitonmysleeve.

Sowhatdoyouthink?

Wouldyouliketotakemeuponmyofferforyoutobuymethatdrink?

Ifyouwouldliketorespond,thatwouldbewonderful.Ofcourse,ifyouwouldliketocontinuetositheresilently,staringatmewiththatpowerfulgaze,whichbothbreaksgenderconstructsandalsoscaresmeabit,thatwouldbefineaswell.

What’sthat?

Ishouldgofuckmyself?

Iagree!

Menshouldbemoreself-generative!

Thankyouforyourastuteassertion.Whyshouldwomenexclusivelyhavetobeartheburdenofchildbirth,whenmenarebiologicallydoomedtofearcommitment?

It’scounter-intuitiveandsociallydegrading.

Ahh,thatbeerisrefreshing!

Thankyouforthrowingitinmyfaceonthiswarmsummerevening.

Okay,okay!

I’mleaving!

Thankyouforyourbluntrejectionofme.Ittakesalotofcourage,whichyounodoubthaveinequalmeasuretoanyotherhuman.Now,ifyou’llexcuse,I’mgoingtothebathroomwhereI’llcrysilentlyinastall,questioningmybodyandtextingmymom,butfornow,Ithankyouforyourtime,whichwasequaltomine.

JEREMYLINHASHELPEDMETHROUGHSOMEPRETTYTOUGHTIMES.

BY JESSEEISENBERG

----

WhenIwastwelveyearsold,Idecideditwouldbecooltowearallgreentoschool—greensweatpants,greenshirt,greensocks,evengreenshoes!

Sadly,theotherkidsinmyclassdidn’tthinkitwassuchagreatidea.IwastauntedontheplaygroundandcallednameslikeGreenBean,KermittheFrogandSnotBody.

BullieschasedmethroughthegymhurlingrocksandinsultswhenayoungTaiwanese-Americanboysteppedinbetweenmeandmyattackers.ItwaslittleJeremyLin,whowasfouryearsyoungerbutinmyclassbecauseheskippedseveralyearsofelementaryschool.Hechasedthebulliesawayandshoutedafterthem,“Pickonsomeoneyourownsize!

”Then,justtocheerme,Jeremyscoopeduptherocksandslamdunkedthemintothebasketballhoop.Nooneeverpickedonmeagain.

Itmaysoundextraordinary.ButthatwasjustJeremy.

Afewyearslater,Iwasinahighschoolproductionof GuysandDolls whenToddRoystein,thekidplayingNicelyNicelyJohnson,camedownwithmono.Itwastwentyminutesbeforecurtainandwethoughtwe’dhavetocanceltheshow.

WewereallshockedwhenyoungJeremyLin,whoatthatpointhadonlybuiltoursetsandrunlightsandsoundsaid,“Theshowmustgoon.”JeremyhemmedTodd’spants,memorizedthelinesandjumpedrightinto“Runyonland.”WeallthoughtToddhadreallynailedtheroleinrehearsal,butJeremywasabletofindasadnessthatToddneverunearthed;Jeremy’sNicelywasabrute,yes,buthewasalsoastrugglingaddictandJeremyfoundawayintoboth.

Thecriticssaiditwasunbelievable.IjustsaiditwasjustJeremy.

AndwhenmysecondcousinDinawasdiagnosedwithararekidneydisorder,Jeremydidn’thesitatetogoundertheknife,evenifitmeantpossiblylosinghiscovetedspotontheGoldenStateWarriorsbasketballteam.“Jeremy,”Iimplored,“You’vebeenworkingtowardthisyourwholelife.TheGoldenStateWarriorsisyourfavorite NBA team!

Youcan’tstopplayingnow!

”AndDinasaid,“I’veneverevenmetJeremy!

Whywouldhedothis?

”

ButintypicalJeremyfashion,hesaidsomethinglike,“Basketballcanwait.Kidneys?

Thoseareawhole‘notherstory.”Andwealllaughed,exceptDinawhosekidneywasfailing.

Andintherecoveryroom,whenwediscoveredthatJeremywasn’tagoodmatchafterallandhewouldhavetoli