杰西艾森伯格小文章.docx
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杰西艾森伯格小文章
MANAGEABLETONGUETWISTERS.
BY JESSEEISENBERG---
[OriginallypublishedNovember30,2009.]----
PeterJohnsonselectedagroupofjarredspices.
IfPeterJohnsonselectedagroupofjarredspices,
HowmanyjarredspicesdidPeterJohnsonselect?
---
Howmuchlumbercouldawoodchuckdiscard
Ifawoodchuckcoulddiscardlumber?
---
Sallypeddlesfishexoskeletonsdownbythebeach.
---
FuzzyWuzzyhadbeenabear.
Buthewasbald.
So,ifthiswasthecase,
Hecouldn’thavebeenveryfuzzy,right?
---
Mosesthinkshisphalangesareperennials.
ButMosesiswrong.
Fornoone’sphalangesareperennials,
LikeMosesthinkshisphalangesare.
---
Onesmartfellow,
hethoughthewasdeservedofthistitle.
Twosmartfellows,
theyalsothoughttheyweredeservedofthistitle.
Threesmartfellows,
theyallthoughttheyweredeservedofthis
collectivedesignation.
---
Redandyellowleather.
NewYorkisdifferent.
---
ElizabethBotterpaidmoneyformargarine.
Butthemargarine
forwhichElizabethBotterpaidwastart.
SoElizabethBotter
paidmoneyforsomesuperiormargarine,
anditmadeElizabethBotter’s
once-tartmixturegood.
---
MymothercoercedmetodestroymyMarsbrandchocolatecandies.
---
Jamesbifurcatedcorn,
AlthoughIdon’treallygiveashit.
---
Iscream.
Thenyoujoinme.
Prettysoonweallfindourselves
Shoutingpraisesforfrozencustard.
MARXIST-SOCIALISTSJOKES.
BY JESSEEISENBERG
----
[OriginallypublishedFebruary24,2010.]
---
WhydidtheMarxist-Socialistcrosstheroad?
TogettotheMarxist-Socialistsit-inontheothersideoftheroad.
--
HowmanyMarxist-Socialistsdoesittaketoscrewinalightbulb?
Two.Onetoscrewinthelightbulb,onetolamentMiltonFriedman’slaissez-faireeconomicpolicies.
--
AMarxist-Socialistwalksintoabarandasksthebartenderifhe’sunionized.
--
Knockknock.
Who’sthere?
AMarxist-Socialist.
AMarxist-Socialistwho?
AMarxist-Socialistwhowantstogiveyouapamphletaboutclassstruggle.
--
WhatdidoneMarxist-Socialistsaytoanother?
Likeyou,Ialsoadvocateaproletarianrevolutionculminatingincollectiveownership.
--
WhatdoyougetwhenyoucrossaMarxistwithaSocialist?
Twopeoplewhogenerallyfeelthatthevalueofacommodityisequaltoitssociallynecessarylabortime.
--
What’sthedifferencebetweenaMarxist-SocialistandaKeynesianeconomist?
Severalthings,includingbutnotlimitedtothefollowing:
TheMarxist-Socialistbelievesthatworkersshouldownthemeansofproduction,whereasKeynesianssupporttheprivateownershipoverthemeansofproduction.Marxist-Socialistsbelievethatcentralizedgovernmentwouldultimatelywitherawayafterarevolution,whereasKeynesiansadvocategreatergovernmentactiontoensurefullsocietalemployment.Finally,aMarxist-SocialistwouldnotbeinvitedtoapartythataKeynesianwasthrowingatworkbecausetheKeynesianknowsthattheMarxist-SocialistwouldthrowastinkaboutthewaythecubiclesintheKeynesian’sofficewerearranged.
--
Howdoyougetaone-armedMarxist-Socialistoutofatree?
Asktwoteamsterstodrivethree AFL-CIO riggerseachcarryingan IAFF approvedladdertothetreeandhelptheone-armedMarxist-Socialistdown.
--
TheMarxist-Socialist’smotherissofat,thatwhentheMarxist-Socialist’smotherlamentsstagflation,she actually stagflates.
--
APriest,aRabbiandaMarxist-Socialistareinanairplanethatisgoingtocrashandthereareonlytwoparachutes.ThePriestsays,“IhavealwaysfollowedthewordofJesus,soIshouldhaveoneoftheparachutes.”TheRabbisays,“Ipaidfortheplanerental,soIshouldalsohaveoneoftheparachutes.”TheMarxist-Socialistsays,“Iwouldnormallyadvocateallocatingtheseoutaccordingtoone’smeans,butI’mafraidofdyingandwouldlikeoneofthechutes,please.”
APOSTGENDERNORMATIVEMANTRIESTOPICKUPAWOMANATABAR.
BY JESSEEISENBERG
----
[OriginallypublishedJuly21,2011.]
---
Hey,how’sitgoing?
MindifIsidleup?
IsawyouoverheresittingaloneandIthought,that’sfine.Awomanshouldbeabletoself-sustain.Infactalotofwomenarechoosingtostayalone,whatwithadvancesinsalaryequitabilityandmaternityextensions,andIthinkit’sanimportantandcompellingtrend.
InoticedthatyouwereabouttofinishyourdrinkandIwaswonderingifIcouldpossiblywatchyoupurchaseanotherone.And,attheriskofbeingforward,ifyoucouldpossiblypurchaseoneforme.
Whatdoyoudo?
Andbeforeyouanswer,I’mnotlookingforanecessarilywork-relatedresponse.Idon’tthinkwehavetobedefinedbyourindustrialpursuits,especiallywhenthey’reantiquatedandhetero-normative.Icursemymother,whoisanotherwiselovelyhumanperson,fornotbuyingmeanEasy-BakeOvenwhenIwasyounger.IgrewupidolizingmalethugslikeNeilArmstrongandJimmyCarter.And,yes,Iworkat ESPN,butIspendmoretimebeingspiritualandovercomingadversity,forexample,thanIdoworkingforsomefacelesscorporation.AndifIweretofindamate,beityouorsomeoneelseheretonight,Iwouldbemorethanhappytotelltheproverbial“man”thatIquitsoIcanraiseouroffspringwithgender-neutralhobbies,whilemybiologicallyfemalepartnercontinuestopursueherinterests,betheyindustrial,recreationaloryes,evensexualwithanothermate.
So…
CrazynewsaboutthefirstfemaleAfricanheadofstateandLiberia’ssittingpresident,EllenJohnson-Sirleaf,huh?
Announcinghercandidacyfor2011sosoon!
Wow.Whatdoyouthinkofherchances?
Ithinkshe’sashoo-in,butI’madmittedlyabitconcernedaboutPrinceJohnsonmakingsomelastminutestrides,especiallyamongsttheGiopeopleintheNimbaregion.I’mthinkingoflaunchingaletterwritingcampaignonbehalfofEJ-SoratleastcoldcallingpotentialNimbavotersoverSkype.
Oh,howgaucheofme!
I’vejustbeenchatteringawayincessantlylikesomekindofboyorgirlwhotalksalot.Ihaven’tevenproperlyintroducedmyself.Although,oneoftengetstheuneasysensethatpatriarchydictatesalearnedandultimatelydamagingorderofeventswithmentakinganunearnedlead.MynameisTerri,withaheartoverthei,insteadofadot.Ihaveaheart,iswhatthatsays,andI’mnotafraidtowearitonmysleeve.
Sowhatdoyouthink?
Wouldyouliketotakemeuponmyofferforyoutobuymethatdrink?
Ifyouwouldliketorespond,thatwouldbewonderful.Ofcourse,ifyouwouldliketocontinuetositheresilently,staringatmewiththatpowerfulgaze,whichbothbreaksgenderconstructsandalsoscaresmeabit,thatwouldbefineaswell.
What’sthat?
Ishouldgofuckmyself?
Iagree!
Menshouldbemoreself-generative!
Thankyouforyourastuteassertion.Whyshouldwomenexclusivelyhavetobeartheburdenofchildbirth,whenmenarebiologicallydoomedtofearcommitment?
It’scounter-intuitiveandsociallydegrading.
Ahh,thatbeerisrefreshing!
Thankyouforthrowingitinmyfaceonthiswarmsummerevening.
Okay,okay!
I’mleaving!
Thankyouforyourbluntrejectionofme.Ittakesalotofcourage,whichyounodoubthaveinequalmeasuretoanyotherhuman.Now,ifyou’llexcuse,I’mgoingtothebathroomwhereI’llcrysilentlyinastall,questioningmybodyandtextingmymom,butfornow,Ithankyouforyourtime,whichwasequaltomine.
JEREMYLINHASHELPEDMETHROUGHSOMEPRETTYTOUGHTIMES.
BY JESSEEISENBERG
----
WhenIwastwelveyearsold,Idecideditwouldbecooltowearallgreentoschool—greensweatpants,greenshirt,greensocks,evengreenshoes!
Sadly,theotherkidsinmyclassdidn’tthinkitwassuchagreatidea.IwastauntedontheplaygroundandcallednameslikeGreenBean,KermittheFrogandSnotBody.
BullieschasedmethroughthegymhurlingrocksandinsultswhenayoungTaiwanese-Americanboysteppedinbetweenmeandmyattackers.ItwaslittleJeremyLin,whowasfouryearsyoungerbutinmyclassbecauseheskippedseveralyearsofelementaryschool.Hechasedthebulliesawayandshoutedafterthem,“Pickonsomeoneyourownsize!
”Then,justtocheerme,Jeremyscoopeduptherocksandslamdunkedthemintothebasketballhoop.Nooneeverpickedonmeagain.
Itmaysoundextraordinary.ButthatwasjustJeremy.
Afewyearslater,Iwasinahighschoolproductionof GuysandDolls whenToddRoystein,thekidplayingNicelyNicelyJohnson,camedownwithmono.Itwastwentyminutesbeforecurtainandwethoughtwe’dhavetocanceltheshow.
WewereallshockedwhenyoungJeremyLin,whoatthatpointhadonlybuiltoursetsandrunlightsandsoundsaid,“Theshowmustgoon.”JeremyhemmedTodd’spants,memorizedthelinesandjumpedrightinto“Runyonland.”WeallthoughtToddhadreallynailedtheroleinrehearsal,butJeremywasabletofindasadnessthatToddneverunearthed;Jeremy’sNicelywasabrute,yes,buthewasalsoastrugglingaddictandJeremyfoundawayintoboth.
Thecriticssaiditwasunbelievable.IjustsaiditwasjustJeremy.
AndwhenmysecondcousinDinawasdiagnosedwithararekidneydisorder,Jeremydidn’thesitatetogoundertheknife,evenifitmeantpossiblylosinghiscovetedspotontheGoldenStateWarriorsbasketballteam.“Jeremy,”Iimplored,“You’vebeenworkingtowardthisyourwholelife.TheGoldenStateWarriorsisyourfavorite NBA team!
Youcan’tstopplayingnow!
”AndDinasaid,“I’veneverevenmetJeremy!
Whywouldhedothis?
”
ButintypicalJeremyfashion,hesaidsomethinglike,“Basketballcanwait.Kidneys?
Thoseareawhole‘notherstory.”Andwealllaughed,exceptDinawhosekidneywasfailing.
Andintherecoveryroom,whenwediscoveredthatJeremywasn’tagoodmatchafterallandhewouldhavetoli