Friends 01.docx
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Friends01
101TheOneWhereMonicaGetsaNewRoommate(ThePilot-TheUncutVersion)
[Scene:
CentralPerk,Chandler,Joey,Phoebe,andMonicaarethere.]
Monica:
There'snothingtotell!
He'sjustsomeguyIworkwith!
Joey:
C'mon,you'regoingoutwiththeguy!
There'sgottabesomethingwrongwithhim!
Chandler:
AllrightJoey,benice. Sodoeshehaveahump?
Ahumpandahairpiece?
Phoebe:
Wait,doesheeatchalk?
(Theyallstare,bemused.)
Phoebe:
Just,'cause,Idon'twanthertogothroughwhatIwentthroughwithCarl-oh!
Monica:
Okay,everybodyrelax.Thisisnotevenadate.It'sjusttwopeoplegoingouttodinnerand-nothavingsex.
Chandler:
Soundslikeadatetome.
[TimeLapse]
Chandler:
Alright,soI'mbackinhighschool,I'mstandinginthemiddleofthecafeteria,andIrealizeIamtotallynaked.
All:
Oh,yeah.Hadthatdream.
Chandler:
ThenIlookdown,andIrealizethere'saphone...there.
Joey:
Insteadof...?
Chandler:
That'sright.
Joey:
Neverhadthatdream.
Phoebe:
No.
Chandler:
Allofasudden,thephonestartstoring.NowIdon'tknowwhattodo,everybodystartslookingatme.
Monica:
Andtheyweren'tlookingatyoubefore?
!
Chandler:
Finally,IfigureI'dbetteranswerit,anditturnsoutit'smymother,whichisvery-veryweird,because-shenevercallsme!
[TimeLapse,Rosshasentered.]
Ross:
(mortified)Hi.
Joey:
Thisguysayshello,Iwannakillmyself.
Monica:
Areyouokay,sweetie?
Ross:
Ijustfeellikesomeonereacheddownmythroat,grabbedmysmallintestine,pulleditoutofmymouthandtieditaroundmyneck...
Chandler:
Cookie?
Monica:
(explainingtotheothers)Carolmovedherstuffouttoday.
Joey:
Ohh.
Monica:
(toRoss)Letmegetyousomecoffee.
Ross:
Thanks.
Phoebe:
Ooh!
Oh!
(ShestartstopluckattheairjustinfrontofRoss.)
Ross:
No,nodon't!
Stopcleansingmyaura!
No,justleavemyauraalone,okay?
Phoebe:
Fine!
Bemurky!
Ross:
I'llbefine,alright?
Really,everyone.Ihopeshe'llbeveryhappy.
Monica:
Noyoudon't.
Ross:
NoIdon't,tohellwithher,sheleftme!
Joey:
Andyouneverknewshewasalesbian...
Ross:
No!
!
Okay?
!
Whydoeseveryonekeepfixatingonthat?
Shedidn'tknow,howshouldIknow?
Chandler:
SometimesIwishIwasalesbian...(Theyallstareathim.)DidIsaythatoutloud?
Ross:
Itoldmomanddadlastnight,theyseemedtotakeitprettywell.
Monica:
Ohreally,sothathystericalphonecallIgotfromawomanatsobbing3:
00A.M.,"I'llneverhavegrandchildren,I'llneverhavegrandchildren."waswhat?
Awrongnumber?
Ross:
Sorry.
Joey:
AlrightRoss,look.You'refeelingalotofpainrightnow.You'reangry.You'rehurting.CanItellyouwhattheansweris?
(Rossgestureshisconsent.)
Joey:
Stripjoint!
C'mon,you'resingle!
Havesomehormones!
Ross:
Idon'twanttobesingle,okay?
Ijust...Ijust-Ijustwannabemarriedagain!
(Rachelentersinawetweddingdressandstartstosearchtheroom.)
Chandler:
AndIjustwantamilliondollars!
(Heextendshishandhopefully.)
Monica:
Rachel?
!
Rachel:
OhGodMonicahi!
ThankGod!
Ijustwenttoyourbuildingandyouweren'tthereandthenthisguywithabighammersaidyoumightbehereandyouare,youare!
Waitress:
CanIgetyousomecoffee?
Monica:
(pointingatRachel)De-caff.(toAll)Okay,everybody,thisisRachel,anotherLincolnHighsurvivor.(toRachel)Thisiseverybody,thisisChandler,andPhoebe,andJoey,and-youremembermybrotherRoss?
Rachel:
Hi,sure!
Ross:
Hi.
(TheygotohugbutRoss'sumbrellaopens. Hesitsbackdowndefeatedagain. AmomentofsilencefollowsasRachelsitsandtheothersexpecthertoexplain.)
Monica:
Soyouwannatellusnow,orarewewaitingforfourwetbridesmaids?
Rachel:
OhGod...well,itstartedaboutahalfhourbeforethewedding.Iwasintheroomwherewewerekeepingallthepresents,andIwaslookingatthisgravyboat.ThisreallygorgeousLamaugegravyboat.Whenallofasudden-(tothewaitressthatbroughthercoffee)Sweet'n'Lo?
-IrealizedthatIwasmoreturnedonbythisgravyboatthanbyBarry!
AndthenIgotreallyfreakedout,andthat'swhenithitme:
howmuchBarrylookslikeMr.PotatoHead.Y'know,Imean,Ialwaysknewlookedfamiliar,but...Anyway,Ijusthadtogetoutofthere,andIstartedwondering'WhyamIdoingthis,andwhoamIdoingthisfor?
'.(toMonica)SoanywayIjustdidn'tknowwheretogo,andIknowthatyouandIhavekindadriftedapart,butyou'retheonlypersonIknewwholivedhereinthecity.
Monica:
Whowasn'tinvitedtothewedding.
Rachel:
Ooh,Iwaskindahopingthatwouldn'tbeanissue...[Scene:
Monica'sApartment,everyoneisthereandwatchingaSpanishSoaponTVandaretryingtofigureoutwhatisgoingon.]
Monica:
NowI'mguessingthatheboughtherthebigpipeorgan,andshe'sreallynothappyaboutit.
Chandler:
(imitatingthecharacters)Tunaoreggsalad?
D