IStandHereIroning.docx

IStandHereIroning.docx

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IStandHereIroning

IStandHereIroning

byTillieOlsen

Istandhereironing,andwhatyouaskedmemovestormentedbackandforthwiththeiron."Iwishyouwouldmanagethetimetocomeinandtalkwithmeaboutyourdaughter.I'msureyoucanhelpmeunderstandher.She'sayoungsterwhoneedshelpandwhomI'mdeeplyinterestedin

helping."

"Whoneedshelp."--EvenifIcame,whatgoodwoulditdo?

YouthinkbecauseIamher

motherIhaveakey,orthatinsomewayyoucouldusemeasakey?

Shehaslivedfornineteen

years.Thereisallthatlifethathashappenedoutsideofme,beyondme.

Andwhenistheretimetoremember,tosift,toweigh,toestimate,tototal?

IwillstartandtherewillbeaninterruptionandIwillhavetogatheritalltogetheragain.OrIwillbecome

engulfedwithallIdidordidnotdo,withwhatshouldhavebeenandwhatcannotbehelped.

Shewasabeautifulbaby.Thefirstandonlyoneofourfivethatwasbeautifulatbirth.Youdonotguesshownewanduneasyhertenancyinhernow--loveliness.Youdidnotknowherall

thoseyearsshewasthoughthomely,orseeherporingoverherbabypictures,makingmetellheroverandoverhowbeautifulshehadbeen--andwouldbe,Iwouldtellher--andwasnow,to

theseeingeye.Buttheseeingeyeswerefewornon-existent.Includingmine.

Inursedher.Theyfeelthat'simportantnowadays.Inursedallthechildren,butwithher,withallthefiercerigidityoffirstmotherhood,Ididlikethebooksthensaid.Thoughhercriesbatteredmetotremblingandmybreastsachedwithswollenness,Iwaitedtilltheclockdecreed.

WhydoIputthatfirst?

Idonotevenknowifitmatters,orifitexplainsanything.

Shewasabeautifulbaby.Sheblewshiningbubblesofsound.Shelovedmotion,lovedlight,

lovedcolorandmusicandtextures.Shewouldlieonthefloorinherblueoverallspattingthesurfacesohardinecstasyherhandsandfeetwouldblur.Shewasamiracletome,butwhenshewaseightmonthsoldIhadtoleaveherdaytimeswiththewomandownstairstowhomshewas

nomiracleatall,forIworkedorlookedforworkandforEmily'sfather,who"couldnolongerendure"（hewroteinhisgoodbyenote）"sharingwantwithus.

Iwasnineteen.Itwasthepre-relief,pre-WPAworldofthedepression.Iwouldstartrunning

assoonasIgotoffthestreetcar,runningupthestairs,theplacesmellingsour,andawakeorasleeptostartleawake,whenshesawmeshewouldbreakintoacloggedweepingthatcouldnotbecomforted,aweepingIcanhearyet.

AfterawhileIfoundajobhashingatnightsoIcouldbewithherdays,anditwasbetter.ButitcametowhereIhadtobringhertohisfamilyandleaveher.

Ittookalongtimetoraisethemoneyforherfareback.ThenshegotchickenpoxandIhadto

waitlonger.Whenshefinallycame,Ihardlyknewher,walkingquickandnervouslikeherfather,lookinglikeherfather,thin,anddressedinashoddyredthatyellowedherskinandglaredatthepockmarks.Allthebabylovelinessgone.

Shewastwo.Oldenoughfornurseryschooltheysaid,andIdidnotknowthenwhatIknownow--thefatigueofthelongday,andthelacerationsofgrouplifeinthekindsofnurseriesthat

areonlyparkingplacesforchildren.

ExceptthatitwouldhavemadenodifferenceifIhadknown.Itwastheonlyplacetherewas.Itwastheonlywaywecouldbetogether,theonlywayIcouldholdajob.

Andevenwithoutknowing,Iknew.Iknewtheteacherthatwasevilbecausealltheseyearsithascurdledintomymemory,thelittleboyhunchedinthecorner,herrasp,"whyaren'tyououtside,becauseAlvinhitsyou?

that'snoreason,goout,scaredy."IknewEmilyhateditevenifshedidnotclutchandimplore"don'tgoMommy"liketheotherchildren,mornings.

Shealwayshadareasonwhyweshouldstayhome.Momma,youlooksick,Momma,Ifeelsick.Momma,theteachersaren'ttheretoday,they'resick.Momma,wecan'tgo,therewasafiretherelastnight.Momma,it'saholidaytoday,noschool,theytoldme.

Butneveradirectprotest,neverrebellion.Ithinkofourothersintheirthree,four-year-

oldness--theexplosions,thetempers,thedenunciations,thedemands--andIfeelsuddenlyill.I

puttheirondown.Whatinmedemandedthatgoodnessinher?

Andwhatwasthecost,thecost

toherofsuchgoodness?

Theoldmanlivinginthebackoncesaidinhisgentleway:

"YoushouldsmileatEmilymorewhenyoulookather."WhatwasinmyfacewhenIlookedather?

Ilovedher.Therewerealltheactsoflove.

ItwasonlywiththeothersIrememberedwhathesaid,anditwasthefaceofjoy,andnotofcareortightnessorworryIturnedtothem--toolateforEmily.Shedoesnotsmileeasily,let

alonealmostalwaysasherbrothersandsistersdo.Herfaceisclosedandsombre,butwhenshe

wants,howfluid.Youmusthaves