English is a crazy language.docx

English is a crazy language.docx

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Englishisacrazylanguage

Englishisacrazylanguage

Let'sfaceit--Englishisacrazylanguage.Thereisnoeggineggplantnorhaminhamburger;neitherapplenorpineinpineapple.Englishmuffinsweren'tinventedinEnglandnorFrenchfriesinFrance.Sweetmeatsarecandieswhilesweetbreads,whicharen'tsweet,aremeat.

WetakeEnglishforgranted.Butifweexploreitsparadoxes,wefindthatquicksandcanworkslowly,boxingringsaresquareandaguineapigisneitherfromGuineanorisitapig.

Andwhyitisthatwriterswritebutfingersdon'tfing,grocersdon'tgroceandhammersdon'tham?

Ifthepluraloftoothisteeth,whyisn'tthepluralofboothbeeth?

Ifyouhaveonegoose,twogeese,whynotonemoose,twomeese,oroneindex,twoindices?

Doesn'titseemcrazythatyoucanmakeamendsbutnotoneamend,orthatyoucancombthroughtheannalsofhistorybutnotasingleannal?

Ifyouhaveabunchofoddsandendsandgetridofallbutoneofthem,whatdoyoucallit?

Ifteacherstaught,whydidn'tpreacherspraught?

Ifavegetarianeatsvegetables,whatdoesahumanitarianeat?

Ifyouwrotealetter,perhapsyouboteyourtongue?

SometimesIthinkalltheEnglishspeakersshouldbecommittedtoanasylumfortheverballyinsane.Inwhatotherlanguagedopeoplereciteataplayandplayatarecital;shipbytruckandsendcargobyship;havenosesthatrunandfeetthatsmell;parkondrivewaysanddriveonparkways?

Howcanaslimchanceandafatchancebethesame,whileawisemanandwiseguyareopposites,andquitealotandquiteafewarealike?

Howcantheweatherbehotashellonedayandcoldashellanother?

Haveyounoticedthatwetalkaboutcertainthingsonlywhentheyareabsent?

Haveyoueverseenahorsefullcarriageorastrapfullgown;metasungheroorexperiencedrequitedlove;haveyoueverrunintosomeonewhowascombobulated,gruntled,orpeccable?

AndwhereareallthosepeoplewhoAREspringchickensorwhowouldACTUALLYhurtafly?

Youhavetomarvelattheuniquelunacyofalanguageinwhichyourhousecanburnupasitburnsdown,inwhichyoufillinaformbyfillingitoutandinwhichanalarmclockgoesoffbygoingon.

Englishwasinventedbypeople,notcomputers,anditreflectsthecreativityofthehumanrace（whichofcourse,isn'taraceatall）.Thatiswhy,whenthestarsareout,theyarevisible,butwhentheylightsareout,theyareinvisible.Andwhy,whenIwindupmywatch,Istartit,butwhenIwindupthisessay,Iendit?

Here'sanexcerptfromtheopeningchapterinmyCrazyEnglish:

theUltimateJoyRideThroughOurLanguage（PocketBooks,1989）.IfyouseethisfloatingaroundtheNetunattributed,pleasesuggesttothewebmasterofthatsitethatthematerialbeproperlycited.

EnglishisaCrazyLanguage（PartI）

July1,1996

Englishisthemostwidelyspokenlanguageinthehistoryofourplanet,usedinsomewaybyatleastoneoutofeverysevenhumanbeingsaroundtheglobe.Halfoftheworld'sbooksarewritteninEnglish,andthemajorityofinternationaltelephonecallsaremadeinEnglish.Englishisthelanguageofoversixtypercentoftheworld'sradioprograms.MorethanseventypercentofinternationalmailiswrittenandaddressedinEnglish,andeightypercentofallcomputertextisstoredinEnglish.Englishhasacquiredthelargestvocabularyofalltheworld'slanguages,perhapsasmanyastwomillionwords,andhasgeneratedoneofthenoblestbodiesofliteratureintheannalsofthehumanrace.

Nonetheless,itisnowtimetofacethefactthatEnglishisacrazylanguage--themostlunaticandloopyandwiftyandwiggyofalllanguages.InthecrazyEnglishlanguage,theblackbirdhenisbrown,blackboardscanbegreenorblue,andblackberriesaregreenandthenredbeforetheyareripe.Evenifblackberrieswerereallyblackandblueberriesreallyblue,whatarestrawberries,cranberries,elderberries,huckleberries,raspberries,andgooseberriessupposedtolooklike?

Toaddtothisinsanitythereisnobutterinbuttermilk,noeggineggplant,nograpeingrapefruit,nobreadinshortbread,neitherwormsnorwoodinwormwood,neithermushnorroominmushroom,neitherpinenorappleinpineapple,neitherpeasnornutsinpeanuts,andnohaminahamburger.（Infact,ifsomebodyinventedasandwichconsistingofahampattyinabun,wewouldhaveahardtimefindinganameforit.）

Tomakemattersworse,Englishmuffinsweren'tinventedinEngland,frenchfriesinFrance,orDanishpastriesinDenmark.Andwediscoverevenmoreculinarymadnessintherelevationsthatsweetmeatismadefromfruit,whilesweetbread,whichisn'tsweet,ismadefrommeat.

InthisunreliableEnglishtongue,greyhoundsaren'talwaysgrey（orgray）;pandabearsandkoalabearsaren'tbears（they'remarsupials）;awoodchuckisagroundhog,whichisnotahog;ahornedtoadisalizard;glowwormsarefireflies,butfirefliesarenotflies（they'rebeetles）;ladybugsandlightningbugsarealsobeetles（andtopropogate,asignificantproportionofladybugsmustbemale）;aguineapigisneitherapignorfromGuinea（it'saSouthAmericanrodent）;andatitmouseisneithermammalnormammaried.

Languageisliketheairwebreathe.It'sinvisible,inescapable,indispensable,andwetakeitforgranted.But,whenwetakethetimetostepbackandlistentothesoundsthatescapefromtheholesinpeople'sfacesandtoex-ploretheparadoxesandvagariesofEnglish,wefindthathotdogscanbecold,darkroomscanbelit,homeworkcanbedoneinschool,nightmarescantakeplaceinbroaddaylightwhilemorningsicknessanddaydreamingcantakeplaceatnight,tomboysaregirlsandmidwivescanbemen,hours--especiallyhappyhoursandrushhours--oftenlastlongerthansixtyminutes,quick-sandworksveryslowly,boxingringsaresquare,silverwareandglassescanbemadeofplasticandtableclothsofpaper,mosttelephonesaredialedbybeingpunched（orpushed?

）,andmostbathroomsdon'thaveanybathsinthem.Infact,adogcangotothebathroomunderatree--nobath,noroom;it'sstillgoingtothebathroom.Anddoesn'titseemalittlebizarrethatwegotothebathroominordertogotothebathroom?

Whyisitthatawomancanmanastationbutasmancan'twomanone,thatamancanfatheramovementbutawomancan'tmotherone,andthatakingrulesakingdombutaqueendoesn'truleaqueendom?

HowdidallthoseRenaissancemenreproducewhentheredon'tseemtohavebeenanyRenaissancewomen?

Awriterissomeonewhowrites,andastingerissomethingthatstings.Butfingersdon'tfing,grocersdon'tgroce,haberdashersdon'thaberdash,hammersdon'tham,andhumdingersdon'thumding.

Ifthepluraloftoothisteeth,shouldn'tthepluralofboothbebeeth?

Onegoose,twogeese--soonemoose,twomeese?

Oneindex,twoindices--oneKleenex,twoKleenices?

Ifpeopleringabelltodayandrangabellyesterday,whydon'twesaythattheyflangaball?

Iftheywrotealetter,perhapstheyalsobotetheirtongue.Iftheteachertaught,whyisn'titalsotruethatthepreacherpraught?

WhyisitthatthesunshoneyesterdaywhileIshinedmyshoes,thatItreadedwaterandthentrodonthebeach,andthatIflewouttoseeaWorldSeriesgameinwhichmyfavoriteplayerfliedout?

Ifweconceiveaconceptionandreceiveatareception,whydon'twegrieveagreptionandbelieveabeleption?

Ifahorsehairmatismadefromthehairofhorsesandacamel'shairbrushfromthehairofcamels,fromwhatisamohaircoatmade?

Ifadultscommitadultery,doinfantscommitinfantry?

Ifoliveoilismadefromolives,whatdotheymakebabyoilfrom?

Ifavegetarianeatsvegetables,whatdoesahumanitarianeat?

（AndI'mbeginningtoworryaboutthoseauthoritarians.）

Andifproandconareopposites,iscongresstheoppositeofprogress?

Here'sPartIIof"EnglishisaCrazyLanguage,"fromCrazyEnglish（PocketBooks,1989）.IfyouhappenedtomissPartI,pleaseconsultthearchives.

EnglishisaCrazyLanguage（PartII）

August17,1996

SometimesyouhavetobelievethatallEnglishspeakersshouldbecommittedtoanasylumfortheverballyinsane.Inwhatotherlanguagedopeopledriveinaparkwayandparkinadriveway?

Inwhatotherlanguagedopeoplereciteataplayandplayatarecital?

Inwhatotherlanguagedoprivateseatinthegeneralmessandgeneralseatintheprivatemess?

Inwhatotherlanguagedopeopleshipbytruckandsendcargobyship?

Inwhatotherlanguagecanyournoserunandyourfeetsmell?

Howcanaslimchanceandafatchancebethesameandabadlickingandagoodlickingbethesame,whileawisemanandawiseguyareopposites?

Howcansharpspeechandbluntspeechbethesameandquitealotandquiteafewthesame,whileoverlookandoverseeareopposites?

Howcantheweatherbehotashellonedayandcoldashellthenext?

Howcantheexpressions"What'sgoingon?

"and"What'scomingoff?

"meanexactlythesamething?

!

?

Ifbuttonandunbuttonandtieanduntieareopposites,whyareloosenandunloosenandravelandunravelbesame?

Ifbadistheoppositeofgood,hardtheoppositeofsoft,anduptheoppositeofdown,whyarebadlyandgoodly,hardlyandsofty,anduprightanddownrightnotopposingpairs?

Ifharmlessactionsaretheoppositeofharmfulnonactions,whyareshamefulandshamelessbehaviorthesameandpriceyobjectslessexpensivethanpricelessones.

Ifappropriateandinappropriateremarksandpassableandimpassablemountaintrailsareopposites,whyareflammableandinflammablematerials,heritableandinheritableproperty,andpassiveandimpassivepeoplethesameandvaluableobjectslesstreasuredthaninvaluableones?

Ifupliftisthesameasliftup,whyareup