A Burlesque AutobiographyWord格式文档下载.docx

A Burlesque AutobiographyWord格式文档下载.docx

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ArthourTwainwasamanofconsiderablenoteasolicitoronthehighwayinWilliamRufus'

time.AtabouttheageofthirtyhewenttooneofthosefineoldEnglishplacesofresortcalledNewgate,toseeaboutsomething,andneverreturnedagain.Whiletherehediedsuddenly.

AugustusTwain,seemstohavemadesomethingofastirabout-theyear1160.Hewasasfulloffunashecouldbe,andusedtotakehisoldsabreandsharpenitup,andgetinaconvenientplaceonadarknight,andstickitthroughpeopleastheywentby,toseethemjump.Hewasabornhumorist.Buthegottogoingtoofarwithit;

andthefirsttimehewasfoundstrippingoneoftheseparties,theauthoritiesremovedoneendofhim,andputituponanicehighplaceonTempleBar,whereitcouldcontemplatethepeopleandhaveagoodtime.Heneverlikedanysituationsomuchorstucktoitsolong.

Thenforthenexttwohundredyearsthefamilytreeshowsasuccessionofsoldiers--noble,high-spiritedfellows,whoalwayswentintobattlesinging;

rightbehindthearmy,andalwayswentouta-whooping,rightaheadofit.

ThisisascathingrebuketoolddeadFroissart'

spoorwitticismthatourfamilytreeneverhadbutonelimbtoit,andthatthatonestuckoutatrightangles,andborefruitwinter,andsummer.

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OURFAMILYTREE

EarlyinthefifteenthcenturywehaveBeauTwain,called"

theScholar."

Hewroteabeautiful,beautifulhand.Andhecouldimitateanybody'

shandsocloselythatitwasenoughtomakeapersonlaughhisheadofftoseeit.Hehadinfinitesportwithhistalent.Butbyandbyhetookacontracttobreakstoneforaroad,andtheroughnessoftheworkspoiledhishand.Still,heenjoyedlifeallthetimehewasinthestonebusiness,which,withinconsiderableintervals,wassomeforty-twoyears.

Infact,hediedinharness.Duringallthoselongyearshegavesuchsatisfactionthatheneverwasthroughwithonecontractaweektillgovernmentgavehimanother.Hewasaperfectpet.Andhewasalwaysafavoritewithhisfellow-artists,andwasaconspicuousmemberoftheirbenevolentsecretsociety,calledtheChainGang.Healwaysworehishairshort,hadapreferenceforstripedclothes,anddiedlamentedbythegovernment.Hewasasorelosstohiscountry.Forhewassoregular.

SomeyearslaterwehavetheillustriousJohnMorganTwain.HecameovertothiscountrywithColumbusin1492,asapassenger.Heappearstohavebeenofacrusty,uncomfortabledisposition.Hecomplainedofthefoodallthewayover,andwasalwaysthreateningtogoashoreunlesstherewasachange.Hewantedfreshshad.Hardlyadaypassedoverhisheadthathedidnotgoidlingabouttheshipwithhisnoseintheair,sneeringaboutthecommander,andsayinghedidnotbelieveColumbusknewwherehewasgoingtoorhadeverbeentherebefore.Thememorablecryof"

Landho!

"

thrilledeveryheartintheshipbuthis.Hegazedawhilethroughapieceofsmokedglassatthepenciledlinelyingonthedistantwater,andthensaid:

"

Landbehanged,--it'

saraft!

Whenthisquestionablepassengercameonboardtheship,hebroughtnothingwithhimbutanoldnewspapercontainingahandkerchiefmarked"

B.G.,"

onecottonsockmarked"

L.W.C."

onewoollenonemarked"

D.F."

andanight-shirtmarked"

O.M.R."

Andyetduringthevoyageheworriedmoreabouthis"

trunk,"

andgavehimself,moreairsaboutit,thanalltherestofthepassengersputtogether.

Iftheshipwas"

downbythehead,"

andwouldgotsteer,hewouldgoandmovehis"

trunk"

fartheraft,andthenwatchtheeffect.Iftheshipwas"

bythestern,"

hewouldsuggesttoColumbustodetailsomemento"

shiftthatbaggage."

Instormshehadtobegagged,becausehiswailingsabouthis"

madeitimpossibleforthementoheartheorders.Themandoesnotappeartohavebeenopenlychargedwithanygravelyunbecomingthing,butitisnotedintheship'

slogasa"

curiouscircumstance"

thatalbeithebroughthisbaggageonboardtheshipinanewspaper,hetookitashoreinfourtrunks,aqueenswarecrate,andacoupleofchampagnebaskets.Butwhenhecamebackinsinuatinginaninsolent,swaggeringway,thatsomeofhisthingsweremissing,andwasgoingtosearchtheotherpassengers'

baggage,itwastoomuch,andtheythrewhimoverboard.Theywatchedlongandwonderinglyforhimtocomeup,butnotevenabubbleroseonthequietlyebbingtide.Butwhileeveryonewasmostabsorbedingazingovertheside,andtheinterestwasmomentarilyincreasing,itwasobservedwithconsternationthatthevesselwasadriftandtheanchorcablehanginglimpfromthebow.Thenintheship'

sdimmedandancientlogwefindthisquaintnote:

Intimeitwasdiscouveredytyetroblesomepassengerhaddegonnedowneandgotyeanchor,andtokeyesameandsoldeittoyedamsauvagesfromyeinterior,sayingythehaddefoundeit,yesonneofaghun!

Yetthisancestorhadgoodandnobleinstincts,anditiswithpridethatwecalltomindthefactthathewasthefirstwhitepersonwhoeverinterestedhimselfintheworkofelevatingandcivilizingourIndians.

Hebuiltacommodiousjailandputupagallows,andtohisdyingdayheclaimedwithsatisfactionthathehadhadamorerestrainingandelevatinginfluenceontheIndiansthananyotherreformerthatever,laboredamongthem.Atthispointthechroniclebecomeslessfrankandchatty,andclosesabruptlybysayingthattheoldvoyagerwenttoseehisgallowsperformonthefirstwhitemaneverhangedinAmerica,andwhiletherereceivedinjurieswhichterminatedinhisdeath.

Thegreatgrandsonofthe"

Reformer"

flourishedinsixteenhundredandsomething,andwasknowninourannalsas,"

theoldAdmiral,"

thoughinhistoryhehadothertitles.Hewaslongincommandoffleetsofswiftvessels,wellarmedand,manned,anddidgreatserviceinhurryingupmerchantmen.Vesselswhichhefollowedandkepthiseagleeyeon,alwaysmadegoodfairtimeacrosstheocean.Butifashipstillloiteredinspiteofallhecoulddo,hisindignationwouldgrowtillhecouldcontainhimselfnolonger--andthenhewouldtakethatshiphomewherehelivedand,keepittherecarefully,expectingtheownerstocomeforit,buttheyneverdid.Andhewouldtrytogettheidlenessandslothoutofthesailorsofthatshipbycompelling,themtotakeinvigoratingexerciseandabath.Hecalledit"

walkingaplank."

Allthepupilslikedit.Atanyrate,theyneverfoundanyfaultwithitaftertryingit.Whentheownerswerelatecomingfortheirships,theAdmiralalwaysburnedthem,sothattheinsurancemoneyshouldnotbelost.Atlastthisfineoldtarwascutdowninthefulnessofhisyearsandhonors.

Andtoherdyingday,hispoorheart-brokenwidowbelievedthatifhehadbeencutdownfifteenminutessoonerhemighthavebeenresuscitated.

CharlesHenryTwainlivedduringthelatterpartoftheseventeenthcentury,andwasazealousanddistinguishedmissionary.HeconvertedsixteenthousandSouthSeaislanders,andtaughtthemthatadog-toothnecklaceandapairofspectacleswasnotenoughclothingtocometodivineservicein.Hispoorflocklovedhimvery,verydearly;

andwhenhisfuneralwasover,theygotupinabody（andcameoutoftherestaurant）withtearsintheireyes,andsaying,onetoanother,thathewasagoodtendermissionary,andtheywishedtheyhadsomemoreofhim.

PAH-GO-TO-WAH-WAH-PUKKETEKEEWIS（Mighty-Hunter-with-a-Hog-Eye）TWAIN

adornedthemiddleoftheeighteenthcentury,andaidedGen.BraddockwithallhishearttoresisttheoppressorWashington.ItwasthisancestorwhofiredseventeentimesatourWashingtonfrombehindatree.

Sofarthebeautifulromanticnarrativeinthemoralstory-booksiscorrect;

butwhenthatnarrativegoesontosaythatattheseventeenthroundtheawe-strickensavagesaidsolemnlythatthatmanwasbeingreservedbytheGreatSpiritforsomemightymission,andhedarednotlifthissacrilegiousrifleagainsthimagain,thenarrativeseriouslyimpairstheintegrityofhistory.Whathedidsaywas:

Itain'

tno（hic!

）nouse.'

Atman'

ssodrunkhecan'

tstan'

stilllongenoughforamantohithim.I（hic!

）Ican'

t'

fordtofoolawayanymoream'

nitiononhim!

Thatwaswhyhestoppedattheseventeenthround,anditwas,agoodplainmatter-of-factreason,too,andonethateasilycommendsitselftousbytheeloquent,persuasiveflavorofprobabilitythereisaboutit.

Ialwaysenjoyedthestory-booknarrative,butIfeltamarringmisgivingthateveryIndianatBraddock'

sDefeatwhofiredatasoldieracoupleoftimes（twoeasilygrowstoseventeeninacentury）,andmissedhim,jumpedtotheconclusionthattheGreatSpiritwasreservingthatsoldierforsomegrandmission;

andsoIsomehowfear