生活大爆炸剧本401.docx
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生活大爆炸剧本401
Series4Episode01–TheRobotic Manipulation
Scene:
Theapartment.AroboticarmisextractingsomeChinesetakeawayfromabagcontrolledbyHoward.
Howard:
Andnowthekungpaochicken.
Leonard:
Alright.
Raj:
Smooth.
Howard:
Andfinally,mymooshupork.
Raj:
Whoo-hoo!
Howard:
Ah,thereyouhaveit,gentlemen.Ourentiredinnerunpackedbyrobot.
Raj:
Anditonlytook28minutes.
Sheldon:
Impressive,butwemustbecautious.
Howard:
Why?
Sheldon:
Today,it’saChinesefoodretrievalrobot.Tomorrow,ittravelsbackintimeandtriestokillSarahConnor.
Leonard:
Idon’tthinkthat’sgoingtohappen,Sheldon.
Sheldon:
Nooneeverdoes.That’swhyithappens.
Penny(arriving):
Hey.Isthefoodhere?
Ooh.What’sthat?
Howard:
That,dearlady,istheWolowitzProgrammableHand,designedforextravehicularrepairsontheInternationalSpaceStation.
Penny:
Ah,cool.
Howard:
Askmetopassthesoysauce.
Penny:
Oh,doesthatcomeupmuchonthespacestation?
Howard:
MostlywithAsianandJewishastronauts.
Penny:
Allright.Passthesoysauce.
Howard:
Comingup.(Startstypingrapidly)
Leonard:
Sohow’swork?
Penny:
Oh,it’snotbad.Kindofhungry.
Leonard:
Yeah,weallare.
Howard:
Justwait.
Sheldon:
Yourealize,Penny,thatthetechnologythatwentintothisarmwillonedaymakeunskilledfoodserverssuchasyourselfobsolete.
Penny:
Really?
They’regoingtomakearobotthatspitsonyourhamburger?
Sheldon:
Ithoughtyoubrokeupwithher.Whyisshehere?
Howard:
Okay,herewego.Passingthesoysauce.Putoutyourhand.
Penny:
Ohha-ha,oh.That’samazing.
Sheldon:
Iwouldn’tsayamazing.Atbest,it’samodestleapforwardfromthebasictechnologythatgaveusCountryBearJamboree.
Howard:
Hey,Sheldon?
Sheldon:
Yes?
(Howardtypes.ThehandputsuptwofingerstoSheldon.)Peace?
Howard:
No,notpeace.Hangon.
Creditssequence.
Scene:
Afewmomentslater.
Penny:
DoesNASAknowyou’reusingthatthingasanapkinholder?
Howard:
Youkidding?
Theystillthinkit’sinasecurelockeratJPL.
Penny:
Youstoleit?
Howard:
Borrowed.Thetrickistocarryitouttoyourcarlikeyouownit.
Sheldon(phonegivestextalert):
Excuseme.Oh.Amy’satthedrycleaners,andshe’smadeaveryamusingpun.“Idon’tcareforperchloroethylene,andIdon’tlikeglycolether.”Getit?
Shedoesn’tlikeglycolether.Soundslikeeither.(Tapsinreply)L-O-L.
Penny:
Who’sAmy?
Leonard:
Hisgirlfriend.
Penny:
Sheldonhasagirlfriend?
Sheldon:
She’snotmygirlfriend.
Penny:
Howlonghasthisbeengoingon?
Leonard:
Fourmonths.
Sheldon:
She’snotmygirlfriend.
Penny:
Areyoutellingme,forthepastfourmonthsIhavebeenaskingyouwhat’snewandyouneverthoughttogowithSheldonhasagirlfriend?
Sheldon:
She’snotmygirlfriend.
Penny:
Ah,du-du-du-du-du.Howdidtheymeet?
Howard:
RajandIenteredSheldon’sinformationonadatingsite,anditspitoutAmyFarrahFowler.
Penny:
Oh,myGod!
SheldonandAmy.
Howard:
Or,aswecallthem,Shamy.
Penny(squeals):
Shamy.IamsodiggingtheShamy.
Sheldon:
Allright,everyonepayattention.Yes,IhaveafriendnamedAmyFarrahFowler.Yes,sheisfemale.Yes,wecommunicateonadailybasis,butno,sheisnotmygirlfriend.
Penny:
Okay,well,whatdoyoucommunicateabout?
Sheldon:
Well,myworkinphysics,herworkinneurobiology,andmostrecently,thepossibilityofourhavingachildtogether.
Penny(spitsoutdrinkexplosively.Howardtypes.RobotarmhandsPennyanapkin):
Thankyou.
Leonard:
Waitaminute–achild?
Youneverseethisgirl.Youjuste-mailandtextandTwitter.Nowyou’reconsideringhavingababy?
Sheldon:
Amypointedoutthatbetweenthetwoofus,ourgeneticmaterialhasthepotentialofproducingthefirstinalineofintellectuallysuperior,benignoverlordstoguidehumanitytoabrightertomorrow.
Howard:
I’mguessingthatfuturehistorianswillcondemnusfornottakingthisopportunitytokillSheldon.
Penny:
Okay,Ihaveaquestion.
Sheldon:
Yes,Penny.
Penny:
Youdon’tevenlikepeopletouchingyou.Howareyougoingtohavesex?
Sheldon:
WhyonEarthwouldwehavesex?
Penny:
Oh,honey,didyourmomnothavethetalkwithyou?
Youknow,whenyourprivatepartsstartedgrowing?
Sheldon:
I’mquiteawareofthewayhumansusuallyreproduce,whichismessy,unsanitary,andbasedonlivingnexttoyouforthreeyears,involvesloudandunnecessaryappealstoadeity.
Penny:
Oh,God.
Sheldon:
Yes,exactly.Consequently,ifAmyandIchoosetobringnewlifeintothisworld,itwillbeaccomplishedclinically,withfertilityexpertsinalabwithpetridishes.Whichremindsme,youhavebroadhipsandacertaincorn-fedvigour.Isyourwombavailableforrental?
Leonard:
StilldiggingtheShamy?
Penny:
Look,Sheldon,beforeyouraceofftothefertilityclinic,youmightwanttothinkabout,uhgee,Idon’tknow,maybeactuallyspendingsometimewithher.
Sheldon:
Youmeandating?
Penny:
Yeah.
Sheldon:
Ican’tdateAmy.
Penny:
Whynot?
Sheldon:
She’snotmygirlfriend.
Penny:
Okay,look,don’tthinkofitasdatingagirlfriend.Thinkofitas,uh,gettingtoknowthefuturemotherofyourchild.
Sheldon:
Oh.Ihadn’tconsideredthat.Isupposeshewillhavetohaveaccesstoourprogeny.Andyoudon’tthinkIcanachievetherequiredintimacyviatextmessaging?
Penny:
Probablynot.
Sheldon:
Huh.Itwouldappearasifthephonecompanieshavebeenlyingtome.
Scene:
Thehallway.
Sheldon:
(Knock,knock,knock)Penny.(Knock,knock,knock)Penny.(Knock,knock,knock)Penny.
Penny:
YoudorealizeIstandontheothersideofthedoorwaitingforyoutofinishknockingthreetimes.
Sheldon:
Iknow.Icanseetheshadowofyourfeetunderthedoor.
Penny:
Yeah,mypointisit’sawasteoftime.
Sheldon:
Ifyou’relookingforanexampleofawasteoftime,Iwouldreferyoutotheconversationwe’rehavingrightnow.
Penny:
Whatdoyouwant?
Sheldon:
I’vedecidedtotakeyouradviceandhavearrangedtogoonadatewithAmyFarrahFowler.
Penny:
Oh,that’sgreat.Havefun.
Sheldon:
Wait.Youhavetodriveme.
Penny:
What?
Sheldon:
YouknowIdon’tdrive.
Penny:
Well,goaskLeonard.
Sheldon:
Idid.Hesaid,andIquote,askPenny,itwashercockamamieidea.
Penny:
Leonardsaidcockamamie?
Sheldon:
Actually,I’mparaphrasing.HavingbeenraisedinaChristianhousehold,I’muncomfortablewiththelanguageheused.Andtobehonest,I’mnotentirelycomfortablewithcockamamie.
Penny:
Okay,fine.When’sthedate?
Sheldon:
Now.
Penny:
Now?
Sheldon:
Hurry.We’regoingtobelate.
Penny:
Sheldon,diditeveroccurtoyouthatImighthaveotherplans?
Sheldon:
I’msorry.Doyouhaveotherplans?
Penny:
Well,no,notperse,but…
Sheldon:
Sothisconversationisaspointlessasyourdoor-knockingsoliloquy?
Penny:
Letmegetmycockamamiekeys.
Scene:
Howard’sbedroom.Howardisbeingmassagedbytherobothand.
Howard:
Oh,God,thatfeelssogood.Yeah,that’sthespot.Oh,baby.
MrsWolowitz(off):
Howard,dinner’sready!
Howard:
I’lleatlater.I’mbusy!
Oh,yeah.Justlikearealhand.Hmm.
Scene:
Penny’scar.
Sheldon:
Thankyoufordrivingme.
Penny:
You’rewelcome.
Sheldon:
Iwishyouweren’twearingflip-flops.It’sdangeroustodriveinflip-flops.
Penny:
Sheldon.
Sheldon:
Sorry.Ijustdon’twanttobeyetanotherflip-flopfatality.
Penny:
CanIaskyouaquestion?
Sheldon:
Givenyourcommunitycollegeeducation,Iencourageyoutoaskmeasmanyaspossible.
Penny:
Yeah.Well,myquestionis,andI’mprettysureIknowtheanswer,isthisyourfirstdate?
Sheldon:
Thatdepends.Doessquare-dancingwithmysisterataTeensforJesusFourthofJulyHoedowncountasadate?
Penny:
No.
Sheldon:
Then,thisismyfirstdate.
Penny:
Okay.Well,then,there’sacoupleofthingsyoushouldprobablyknow.
Sheldon:
Ihaveamaster’sdegreeandtwodoctorates.ThethingsIshouldknow,Idoknow.
Penny:
Mypointis,Iknowmoreaboutdatingthanyou,andifyouwereassmartasyouthinkyouare,youwouldlistentome.
Sheldon:
Ifyouknowsomuch,howcomeIhaveadatetonightandyouhavenothingbettertodothandrivemetoit?
Penny:
Fairpoint.
Scene:
Theapartment.
Raj:
Youknow,there’ssomethingI’vealwayswonderedaboutAquaman.
Leonard:
Yeah?
Raj:
Wheredoeshepoop?
Leonard:
What?
Raj:
WhatwouldatoiletlooklikeinAtlantis?
Howwouldyouflushit?
Andwhenyoudidflushit,wherewouldthepoopgo?
Leonard(phonerings):
Holdthatthought.Hey,Howard,what’sgoingon?
What?
Holdon,Howard,Howard,slowdown.Therobothandisstuckonyourwhat?
(ToRaj)You’renotgoingtobelievethis.
Scene:
Penny’scar.Amyisnowinthebackseat.
Penny:
So,um,Amy,Sheldontellsmeyou’reaneurosomething-or-other.
Amy:
Neurobiologist.Yourcheckenginelightison.
Penny:
Yeah,it’sokay.
Amy:
Butthelightindicates…
Sheldon:
Don’tbother.I’vewastedmanyanhourtiltingatthatparticularwindmill.
Penny:
Um,whatisthatscentyou’rewearing?
Itsmellsgreat.
Amy:
Dandruffshampoo.Ihavedryscalp.
Penny:
Ah.Well,yourhairlooksverynice.
Amy:
Areyouahomosexual?
Penny:
No,no,Iwasjustgivingyouacompliment.
Amy:
Hmm.Wouldhavebeenmoreflatteredifyouwereahomosexual.
Penny:
Guys,how’boutsomemusic?
Sheldon:
Oh,no,Iwouldn’tcareforthat.Amy?
Amy:
No,thankyou.
Penny:
Okay.Uncomfortablesilenceitis.Hey,Sheldon,haveyoutoldAmywhatitwaslikeforyougrowingupinTexas?
Sheldon:
No.
Penny:
Well,whydon’tyoutellher?
Sheldon:
Allright.Itwashell.
Penny:
Anyfollowup,Amy?
Amy:
No.
Penny:
ImyselfgrewupinNebraska.SmalltownoutsideofOmaha.Youknow,niceplace,mostlyfamilyfarms,afewmethlabs.
Sheldon:
I’msorry,howisthisbetterthanuncomfortablesilence?
Penny:
Idon’tknow.Iwasjusttryings