How to Say Nothing in 500 Words.docx
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HowtoSayNothingin500Words
HowtoSayNothingin500Words
ByPaulMcHenryRoberts
**Note:
Thisessaywaswritteninthe1950s.Thebasicsofgoodwriting,however,haven’tchanged.
a-s.clayton.edu/.../How%20to%20Say%20Nothing%20in%20500%20Words.doc
It'sFridayafternoon,andyouhavealmostsurvivedanotherweekofclasses.YouarejustlookingforwarddreamilytotheweekendwhentheEnglishinstructorsays:
“ForMondayyouwillturninafivehundred-wordcompositiononcollege football.”
Well,thatputsagoodholeintheweekend.Youdon'thaveanystrongviewsoncollegefootballonewayortheother.Yougetratherexcitedduringtheseasonandgotoallthehomegamesandfinditrathermorefunthannot.Ontheotherhand,theclasshasbeenreadingRobertHutchinsintheanthologyandperhapsShaw's“Eighty-YardRun,”andfromtheclassdiscussionyouhavegottheideathattheinstructorthinkscollegefootballisforthebirds.Youarenofool.Youcanfigureoutwhatsideto take.
Afterdinneryougetouttheportabletypewriterthatyougotforhighschoolgraduation.YoumightaswellgetitoverwithandenjoySaturdayandSunday.Fivehundredwordsisabouttwodouble-spacedpageswithnormalmargins.Youputinasheetofpaper,thinkupatitle,andyou're off:
WHYCOLLEGEFOOTBALLSHOULDBEABOLISHED
Collegefootballshouldbeabolishedbecauseit'sbadfortheschoolandalsofortheplayers.Theplayersaresobusypracticingthattheydon'thaveanytimefortheirstudies.
This,youfeel,isamightygoodstart.Theonlytroubleisthatit'sonlythirty-twowords.Youstillhavefourhundredandsixty-eighttogo,andyou'veprettywellexhaustedthesubject.Itcomestoyouthatyoudoyourbestthinkinginthemorning,soyouputawaythetypewriterandgotothemovies.Butthenextmorningyouhavetodoyourwashingandsomemathproblems,andintheafternoonyougotothegame.TheEnglishinstructorturnsuptoo,andyouwonderifyou'vetakentherightsideafterall.Saturdaynightyouhaveadate,andSundaymorningyouhavetogotochurch.(Youcan'tletEnglishassignmentsinterferewithyourreligion.)Whatwithonethingandanother,it'steno'clockSundaynightbeforeyougetoutthetypewriteragain.Youmakeapotofcoffeeandstarttofilloutyourviewsoncollegefootball.Putalittlemeatonthe bones.
WHYCOLLEGEFOOTBALLSHOULDBEABOLISHED
Inmyopinion,itseemstomethatcollegefootballshouldbeabolished.ThereasonwhyIthinkthistobetrueisbecauseIfeelthatfootballisbadforthecollegesinnearlyeveryrespect.AsRobertHutchinssaysinhisarticleinouranthologyinwhichhediscussescollegefootball,itwouldbebetterifthecollegeshadracehorsesandhadraceswithoneanother,becausethenthehorseswouldnothavetoattendclasses.IfirmlyagreewithMr.Hutchinsonthispoint,andIamsurethatmanyotherstudentswouldagreetoo.
Onereasonwhyitseemstomethatcollegefootballisbadisthatithasbecometoocommercial.Intheoldentimeswhenpeopleplayedfootballjustforthefunofit,maybecollegefootballwasallright,buttheydonotplaycollegefootballjustforthefunofitnowastheyusedtointheolddays.Nowadayscollegefootballiswhatyoumightcallabigbusiness.Maybethisisnottrueatallschools,andIdon'tthinkitisespeciallytruehereatState,butcertainlythisisthecaseatmostcollegesanduniversitiesinAmericanowadays,asMr.Hutchinspointsoutinhisveryinterestingarticle.Actuallythecoachesandalumnigoaroundtothehighschoolsandofferthehighschoolstarslargesalariestocometotheircollegesandplayfootballforthem.Therewasonecasewhereahighschoolstarwasofferedaconvertibleifhewouldplayfootballforacertain college.
Anotherreasonforabolishingcollegefootballisthatitisbadfortheplayers.Theydonothavetimetogetacollegeeducation,becausetheyaresobusyplayingfootball.Afootballplayerhastopracticeeveryafternoonfromthreetosixandthenheissotiredthathecan'tconcentrateonhisstudies.Hejustfeelslikedroppingofftosleepafterdinner,andthenthenextdayhegoestohisclasseswithouthavingstudiedandmaybehefailsthe test.
(Goodripestuffsofar,butyou'restillahundredandfifty-onewordsfromhome.Onemore push.)
AlsoIthinkcollegefootballisbadforthecollegesandtheuniversitiesbecausenotverymanystudentsgettoparticipateinit.Outofacollegeoftenthousandstudentsonlyseventy-fiveorahundredplayfootball,ifthatmany.Footballiswhatyoumightcallaspectatorsport.Thatmeansthatmostpeoplegotowatchitbutdonotplayitthemselves.
(Fourhundredandfifteen.Well,youstillhavetheconclusion,andwhenyouretypeit,youcanmakethemarginsalittle wider.)
ThesearethereasonswhyIagreewithMr.HutchinsthatcollegefootballshouldbeabolishedinAmericancollegesanduniversities.
OnMondayyouturnitin,moderatelyhopeful,andonFridayitcomesbackmarked“weakincontent”andsportingabig“D.”Thisessayisexaggeratedalittle,notmuch.TheEnglishinstructorwillrecognizeitasreasonablytypicalofwhatanassignmentoncollegefootballwillbringin.Heknowsthatnearlyhalfoftheclasswillcontriveinfivehundredwordstosaythatcollegefootballistoocommercialandbadfortheplayers.Mostoftheotherhalfwillinformhimthatcollegefootballbuildscharacterandpreparesoneforlifeandbringsprestigetotheschool.Ashereadspaperafterpaperallsayingthesamethinginalmostthesamewords,allbloodless,fivehundredwordsdrippingoutofnothing,hewondershowheallowedhimselftogettrappedintoteachingEnglishwhenhemighthavehadahappyandinterestinglifeasanelectricianoraconfidence man.
Well,youmayask,whatcanyoudoaboutit?
Thesubjectisoneonwhichyouhavefewconvictionsandlittleinformation.Canyoubeexpectedtomakeadullsubjectinteresting?
Asamatteroffact,thisispreciselywhatyouareexpectedtodo.Thisisthewriter'sessentialtask.Allsubjects,exceptsex,aredulluntilsomebodymakestheminteresting.Thewriter'sjobistofindtheargument,theapproach,theangle,thewordingthatwilltakethereaderwithhim.Thisisseldomeasy,anditisparticularlyhardinsubjectsthathavebeenmuchdiscussed:
CollegeFootball,Fraternities,PopularMusic,IsChivalryDead?
andthelike.Youwillfeelthatthereisnothingyoucandowithsuchsubjectsexceptrepeattheoldbromides.Buttherearesomethingsyoucandowhichwillmakeyourpapers,ifnotthrobbinglyalive,atleastlessinsufferablytediousthantheymightotherwise be.
AVOIDTHEOBVIOUS CONTENT
Saytheassignmentiscollegefootball.Saythatyou'vedecidedtobeagainstit.Beginbyputtingdowntheargumentsthatcometoyourmind:
itistoocommercial,ittakesthestudents'mindsofftheirstudies,itishardontheplayers,itmakestheuniversityakindofcircusinsteadofanintellectualcenter,formostschoolsitisfinanciallyruinous.Canyouthinkofanymorearguments,justoffhand?
Allright.Nowwhenyouwriteyourpaper,makesurethatyoudon'tuseanyofthematerialonthislist.Ifthesearethepointsthatleaptoyourmind,theywillleaptoeveryoneelse'stoo,andwhetheryougeta“C”ora“D”maydependonwhethertheinstructorreadsyourpaperearlywhenheisfreshandtolerantorlate,whenthesentence“Inmyopinion,collegefootballhasbecometoocommercial,”inexorablyrepeated,hasboughthimtothebrinkof lunacy.
Beagainstcollegefootballforsomereasonorreasonsofyourown.Iftheyarekeenandperceptiveones,that'ssplendid.Buteveniftheyaretrivialorfoolishorindefensible,youarestillaheadsolongastheyarenoteverybodyelse'sreasonstoo.Beagainstitbecausethecollegesdon'tspendenoughmoneyonittomakeitworthwhile,becauseitisbadforthecharactersofthespectators,becausetheplayersareforcedtoattendclasses,becausethefootballstarshogallthebeautifulwomen,becauseitcompeteswithbaseballandisthereforeun-AmericanandpossiblyCommunist-inspired.Therearelotsofmoreorlessunusedreasonsforbeingagainstcollege football.
Sometimesitisagoodideatosumupanddisposeofthetriteandconventionalpointsbeforegoingontoyourown.Thishastheadvantageofindicatingtothereaderthatyouaregoingtobeneithertritenorconventional.Somethinglike this:
Weareoftentoldthatcollegefootballshouldbeabolishedbecauseithasbecometoocommercialorbecauseitisbadfortheplayers.Theseargumentsarenodoubtverycogent,buttheydon'treallygototheheartofthe matter.
Thenyougototheheartofthe matter.
TAKETHELESSUSUAL SIDE
Onerathersimplewayofgettingintoyourpaperistotakethesideoftheargumentthatmostofthecitizenswillwanttoavoid.Iftheassignmentisanessayondogs,youcan,ifyouchoose,explainthatdogsarefaithfulandlovablecompanions,intelligent,usefulasguardiansofthehouseandprotectorsofchildren,indispensableinpolicework—inshort,whenallissaidanddone,man'sbestfriends.Oryoucansuggestthatthosebigbrowneyesconceal,moreoftenthannot,avacuityofmindandaninconstancyofpurpose;thatthedogsyouhaveknownmostintimatelyhavebeenmangy,ill-temperedbrutes,incapableofinstruction;andthatonlyyournobilityofmindandfearofarrestpreventyoufromkickingtheflea-riddenanimalswhenyoupassthemonthe street.
Naturallypersonalconvictionswillsometimesdictateyourapproach.Iftheassignedsubjectis“IsMethodismRewardingtotheIndividual?
”andyouareapiousMethodist,youhavereallynochoice.Butfewassignedsu