101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate.docx

1、101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there. Monica: Theres nothing to tell! Hes just some guy I work with! Joey: Come on, youre going out with the guy! Theres

2、 gotta be something wrong with him! Chandler: All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? (They all stare, bemused.) Phoebe: Just, cause, I dont want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh! Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This

3、 is not even a date. Its just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex. Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. Time Lapse Chandler: Alright, so Im back in high school, Im standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked. All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream. Chandler: Then I

4、 look down, and I realize theres a phone. there. Joey: Instead of.? Chandler: Thats right. Joey: Never had that dream. Phoebe: No. Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I dont know what to do, everybody starts looking at me. Monica: And they werent looking at you before?! Chandler

5、: Finally, I figure Id better answer it, and it turns out its my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me! Time Lapse, Ross has entered. Ross: (mortified) Hi. Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself. Monica: Are you okay, sweetie? Ross: I just feel like someone reached do

6、wn my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck. Chandler: Cookie? Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today. Joey: Ohh. Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee. Ross: Thanks. Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the ai

7、r just in front of Ross.) Ross: No, no dont! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay? Phoebe: Fine! Be murky! Ross: Ill be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope shell be very happy. Monica: No you dont. Ross: No I dont, to hell with her, she left me! Joey: And you never knew she

8、 was a lesbian. Ross: No! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didnt know, how should I know? Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud? Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well. Monica: Oh really, so th

9、at hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., Ill never have grandchildren, Ill never have grandchildren. was what? A wrong number? Ross: Sorry. Joey: Alright Ross, look. Youre feeling a lot of pain right now. Youre angry. Youre hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is? (Ross g

10、estures his consent.) Joey: Strip joint! Cmon, youre single! Have some hormones! Ross: I dont want to be single, okay? I just. I just- I just wanna be married again! (Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.) Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his han

11、d hopefully.) Monica: Rachel?! Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you werent there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are! Waitress: Can I get you some coffee? Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody,

12、this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? Rachel: Hi, sure! Ross: Hi. (They go to hug but Rosss umbrella opens. He sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits

13、and the others expect her to explain.) Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? Rachel: Oh God. well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorg

14、eous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee) Sweet n Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and thats when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Yknow, I mean, I always

15、 knew looked familiar, but. Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?. (to Monica) So anyway I just didnt know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but youre the only person I knew who lived here in t

16、he city. Monica: Who wasnt invited to the wedding. Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldnt be an issue. Scene: Monicas Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on. Monica: Now Im guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and

17、 shes really not happy about it. Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad? Decide! Ross: (in a deep voice) Ill have whatever Christine is having. Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just. I cant marry him! Im sorry. I just dont love him. Well, it matters to me! (The scene on TV has changed to

18、show two women, one is holding her hair.) Phoebe: If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants. Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the

19、 stairs! (She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.) Rachel: Cmon Daddy, listen to me! Its like, its like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, Youre a shoe! Youre a shoe, youre a shoe, youre a shoe!. And today I just stopped and I said, What if I dont wanna be a shoe? What if I wan

20、na be a- a purse, yknow? Or a- or a hat! No, Im not saying I want you to buy me a hat, Im saying I am a ha- Its a metaphor, Daddy! Ross: You can see where hed have trouble. Rachel: Look Daddy, its my life. Well maybe Ill just stay here with Monica. Monica: Well, I guess weve established whos staying

21、 here with Monica. Rachel: Well, maybe thats my decision. Well, maybe I dont need your money. Wait! Wait, I said maybe! Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag. Monica: Just breathe, breathe. thats it. Just try to think of nice calm things. Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and

22、kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens. La la la la.something and noodles with string. These are a few. Rachel: Im all better now. Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped! Monica: Okay, look, th

23、is is probably for the best, yknow? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole, hat thing. Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And hes away a lot. Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! Its her wedding day! Joey:

24、 What, like theres a rule or something? (The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.) Chandler: Please dont do that again, its a horrible sound. Paul: (over the intercom) Its, uh, its Paul. Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30? Buzz him in! Joey: Whos Paul? Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul? Monica: Maybe. Joey:

25、 Wait. Your not a real date tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy? Ross: He finally asked you out? Monica: Yes! Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel. Rachel: Please, no, go, thatd be fine! Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay? Ross:

26、(choked voice) Thatd be good. Monica: (horrified) Really? Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! Its Paul the Wine Guy! Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesnt know.) (Theres a knock on the door and its Paul.) Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is. (The

27、y are all lined up next to the door.). everybody, everybody, this is Paul. All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey! Chandler: Im sorry, I didnt catch your name. Paul, was it? Monica: Okay, umm-umm, Ill just-Ill be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah. Ross: A wandering? Monica: Change! Okay, sit down

28、. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds. Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That cant be good. (Monica goes to change.) Joey: Hey, Paul! Paul: Yeah? Joey: Heres a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red

29、. Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey! Ross: So Rachel, whatre you, uh. whatre you up to tonight? Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing! Ross: Right, youre not even getting your honeymoon, God. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year. t

30、alk about your- (thinks) -big lizards. Anyway, if you dont feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture. Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and were very excited about it. Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think Im just gonna hang out here tonight

31、. Its been kinda a long day. Ross: Okay, sure. Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help? Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I dont want to. Commercial Break Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change. Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love.is like a giant pigeon.crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la.ohhh! Scene: Rosss Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture. Ross: (squatting and reading the ins