英语笑话每日一笑.docx

1、英语笑话每日一笑 学习英语贵在坚持！每日英语，天天更新！养成良好的学习习惯！有计划的学习，积少成多，一定能够学好英语！我每日一笑目录What time is it now? - 1 -Two Pieces of Cake - 2 -My Boss and I - 2 -Clean Glass - 4 -Frog - 5 -Limerick - 7 -What Are The Two Words？ - 8 -He Swore to Die - 8 -The New Baby - 9 -A Gentleman - 10 -Im Glad - 11 -A Silly Father - 13 -Is

2、He Dying? - 15 -Six or Twelve? - 16 -Rope or Ox? - 16 -Are They Worn Out? - 17 - 2012/2/21What time is it now? The two boys were camping in the backyard. When they couldnt figure out what time it was, the first boy said to the second, Start singing very loud. How will that help? said the second boy.

3、 Just do it, insisted the first. Both boys broke into song, singing at the top of their lungs. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, Keep it down! Dont you know its three oclock in the morning?2012-2-5 20:34:01 上传下载附件 (7.64 KB)现在几点了？ 两个男孩子在后院露营，他们不知道到了晚上几点钟。于是，一个男孩对另外一个说：“我们开始

4、大声唱歌就行了。” “那就会知道时间吗？”第二个男孩问。 “只管唱吧。”第一个坚持道。 两个孩子开始大声唱歌，过了一会儿，一个邻居打开窗户喊道：“小声点！你们不知道现在是凌晨三点吗？”2012/2/22Two Pieces of Cake Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?Mom: Certainly-take this piece and cut it two!2012-2-5 20:31:15 上传下载附件 (6.82 KB)两块蛋糕汤姆：妈 妈，我 可 以 吃 两 块 蛋 糕 吗 ？妈妈：当然可以-拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧！注

5、：Pieces of Cake 非常容易的事My Boss and IWhen I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. When I dont do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesnt do it, he is too busy.When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiati

6、ve. When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing. When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating. I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, he never forgets.2012-2-5 20:27:18 上传下载附件 (2.55 KB) 老板和我我做事情花了长时间，是效率低； 老板做事情花了长时间，是深思熟虑。 我没有做完事情，是懒惰； 老板没有做完事情，是太繁忙。 没有人告诉我的事情我做了，是自作聪明； 老板做了同样的事情，是首创

7、。 我取悦老板，是献媚； 老板取悦他的老板，是合作。 我干得好，老板从来不会想起； 我干得不好，老板从来不会忘记。Clean Glass Joe and Fred were helping to build a house in a village. The weather was very warm, there was a lot of dust everywhere, and by half past twelve, they were very thirsty, so they stopped work to have their lunch. They found the neare

8、st small bar, went in and sat down with their sandwiches. Good afternoon, gentlemen. What can I get you? the man behind the bar asked. Joe looked at Fred and said, Beer, I think. Yes, a pint of beer each. Is that all right for you, Fred? Yes, thats all right. Fred said. Then he turned to the man beh

9、ind the bar and said, And I want it in a clean glass! Dont forget that. The man behind the bar filled the glasses and brought them to Joe and Fred. Then he said. Which of you asked for the clean glass?2012-2-5 20:32:32 上传下载附件 (7.07 KB)干净的杯子乔和佛瑞德在一个村子里帮忙盖一间房子。天气很暖和，到处都有许多灰尘。12点半的时候，他们觉得非常口渴，便停下来去吃午饭了

10、。他们找到最近的一家酒吧，走进去坐下吃他们的三文治。 “下午好，先生。你们想要点什么？”柜台后面的伺应问道。 乔看了看佛瑞德说：“我想，啤酒吧。对了，每人一品脱啤酒。这样可以吗，佛瑞德？” “好的，可以。”佛瑞德说。然后他转过去跟柜台后面的伺应说：“我要啤酒装在一个干净的杯子里！别忘了。” 柜台后面的伺应倒满杯子后，拿给乔和佛瑞德，接着说：“刚才哪一位要干净的杯子的？”FrogThe science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, Now Ill show you this frog in my pocket. He then reac

11、hed into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, Thats funny. I distinctly(清楚地) remember eating my lunch.2012-2-5 20:19:05 上传下载附件 (1.09 KB) 青蛙 老师正在给学生上生物课：“现在，我将要给你们看我袋子里的这只青蛙。”接着，他把手伸进口袋，却拿出了一份鸡肉三文治。老师满脸困惑地看了一眼，沉思了一会儿，说道：“真奇怪。我明明记得我已经把

12、午饭吃掉了。”导读：20岁女人懵懵懂懂，充满青春的活力，对什么都勇于尝试，但往往不定性；30岁女人成熟优雅，做事圆滑，寻觅安定，但往往思前顾后；40岁女人，静谧淡然，经历风雨，睿智潇洒，但往往面临抉择。无论是谁都请认真生活，没有什么可以重来！What I Know About Love Now That Im In My 20s:20女人：1.You cant change or save anyone, so stop trying.你不能改变或拯救任何人，所以不要再做这些事了。2.If anyone is going through anyones email inbox/phone/Fa

13、cebook account, you shouldnt be together.如果对方想要看你的邮箱、或电话、或社交网络账户，那么你俩不合适。3.Be okay with yourself.对自己好一点。4.You chose the friends you have for a reason. Take their advice seriously.你选择和某人交朋友总有你自己的原因。所以，认真对待朋友给出的意见。5.Dont feel guilty about breaking up with someone.不要因为和某人分手了而感到于心不安。What I Know About Lo

14、ve Now That Im In My 30s:30女人：1.Being in a relationship doesnt automatically make you a happier person.开始了一段感情，不代表你就能活得更加快乐。2.If he seems unavailable, he is.如果他看起来遥不可及，那么他就是。3.Marriage isnt an accomplishment.婚姻不是一项任务。4.Sex is not an accurate relationship barometer.性不是衡量两人关系的晴雨表。5.Male friends are im

15、portant.异性朋友很重要。What I Know About Love Now That Im In My 40s:40女人：1.Sometimes love is not a feeling.its a choice.有时候，爱不是一种感觉，而是一种选择。2.Sacrifice. But not too much.敢于做出牺牲。但不要牺牲得太多。3.Have role models.找个榜样来学习。4.Be yourself.做你自己。5.Be brave, funny, and kind.勇敢一点、风趣一点、友善一点。Limerick There was a young lady o

16、f Niger， Who smiled as she rode on a tiger They returned from the ride With the lady inside And the smile on the face of the tigerRide: 乘坐打油诗有个尼日尔小姑娘，笑*骑在虎背上。他们兜风回返，姑娘到了里边，笑容挂在了虎脸上。What Are The Two Words？ A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter“My dear，” said the old lady，“I

17、 wish you would do something for meI wish you would promise me never to use two wordsOne islousyand the other isswellWould you promise me that？ “Why，sure，Granny，”said the girl“What are the two words？”2012-2-19 20:38:22 上传下载附件 (1.86 KB) 是哪两个词？ 一个非常高贵的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。“我亲爱的，”老夫人说：“我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两

18、个词。一个是讨厌的， 另一个是极好的。你能答应我吗？” “噢，*然，奶奶。”女孩说：“是哪两个词？”2012/2/27He Swore to Die If you refuse to marry me, he swore, I shall die. She refused him. Sixty years later, he died.他曾发誓要死 “如果你不答应嫁给我，”他发誓，“我就要去死。” 四十年后，他死了。： swear的过去式。诅咒，就。宣誓The New BabyMrand MrsTaylor had a seven year old boy named PatNow MrsTa

19、ylor was expecting another child Pat had seen babies in other peoples houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too One evening Mrand MrsTaylor were making plans for the babys arrival“This house wont be big enough

20、for us all when the baby comes，”said MrTaylor Pat came into the room just then and said，“What are you talking about？”“We were saying that well have to move to an other house now，because the new babys coming，”his mother answered “ Its no use，”said Pat hopelessly“ Hell follow us there”新生儿 泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩

21、，名叫帕特。现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎。 帕特在别人家看见过婴儿，他不太喜欢他们，所以他对自己家里也将有一个婴儿的消息感到不满。 一天晚上，泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排。泰勒先生说：“有了婴儿，我们的房子就太小，不够住了。” 帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋，他问：“你们在说什么？”他的母亲回答说：“我们在说我们现在得搬家，因为婴儿就要诞生了。” “那没用，”帕特绝望地说。“他会跟我们到那儿去的。”:怀孕了A GentlemanDick was seven years old，and his sister，Catherinewas fiveOne day their mother took t

22、hem to their aunts house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes The children played for an hour，and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchenShe gave him a nice cake and said to him，“Now heres a cake，DickCut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to y

23、our sister，but remember to do it like a gentleman” “Like a gentleman？” Dick asked“How do gentlemen do it？” “They always give the bigger piece to the other person”answered his aunt at once“Oh” said DickHe thought about this for a few secondsThen he took the cake to his sister and said to her，“Cut thi

24、s cake in half，Catherine”绅士迪克年龄七岁，他的妹妹凯瑟琳五岁。一天，妈妈把他们带到姨妈家去玩，自己就到大城市去买些新的衣服。” 孩子们玩了个把小时，在四点半的时候，姨妈领着迪克走进了厨房。她交给迪克一块精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并对他说：“喏，迪克，给你刀子，把这块蛋糕一切为二，给你妹妹一块。不过，你得记住要做得像一个绅士那样。” 迪克问：“像一个绅士？绅士怎样做呢？” 他姨妈马上回答说：“绅士总是把大的一块让给别人的。” 迪克说了一声“噢”。他对此想了一会，然后，他把蛋糕拿给妹妹，并对她说：“凯瑟琳，你来把这块蛋糕一切为二吧。” 2012/2/28Im Glad A S

25、unday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad“Now，children，” said she，“has anyone of you ever made someone else glad？” “Please，teacher，”said a small boy，“Ive made someone glad yesterday” “Well doneWho was that？” “My granny” “Good boyNow tell us how you made your gr

26、and mother glad” “Please，teacher，I went to see her yesterday，and stayed with her three hoursThen I said to her，Granny，Im going home，and she said，Well，Im glad！”我很高兴一个主日学校的老师正在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说：“你们*中有谁让别人高兴过？” “我，老师，”一个小男孩说：“昨天我就使别人高兴过。” “做得好。是谁呢？” “我奶奶。” “好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。” “是这样的，老师。我昨天

27、去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：奶奶，我要回家了。她说：啊我很高兴！”:学生，小学生；瞳孔A Silly FatherMr. White was watching TV when his eight-year-old son came into the room. He cried, Father, my grandpa just now slapped me in the face. Hearing that, Mr. White became very angry. And then he suddenly boxed his own ears heavily and said

28、, You beat my son and I dare to beat yours.傻爸爸怀特先生在房间里看电视，他八岁的儿子走进来哭着说：“爸爸，刚才爷爷打了我一耳光。”怀特先生听了非常生气，突然，他重重地扇了自己一耳光，说：“你打我儿子，我也敢打你儿子。”：击掌，拍击；制止，镇压；击掌；直接，恰恰，正好：box sb.s ears 打耳光有网友发微博称：“2月29日是女性表白日，男性必须答应。”据网友们说，这是“欧洲贵族专门设立的女性表白日，在这一天女性可大胆表白，并且原则上要求男性必须答应。如果男性不答应，应付给女性一定数量的伤心补偿费，四年一次。”有网友打趣说，“女性表白日的稀有程度

29、堪比奥运会。各位女童鞋们，还犹豫什么？”快来学习表白和求婚的英语吧。女生向男生表白必备的英语口语：I love you truly and whole-heartedly, too。我也真心实意地爱着你。Ill be entirely yours。我会完全属于你的。I have strong feelings for you.我对你很有感觉。I have the hots for you. 我迷上你了。I think I am falling in love with you. 我觉得我爱上你了。I have a crush on you. 我被你迷住了。Ive been coming on

30、to you. 我一直对你有好感。I am infatuated with you. 我为你神魂颠倒。I think I like you. 我觉得我喜欢上你了。Youve been on my mind all the time. 我脑子里想的全是你。Im crazy about you. 我为你痴狂。Im in love with you. 我爱上你了。Im crazy about you. 我为你痴迷。Im infatuated with you. 我为你神魂颠倒。It was love at first sight. 我对你一见钟情。Youre my type. 你是我喜欢的那种类型。

31、You make me happy. 你让我感到幸福。There will never be another you. 在这个世界上，你是独一无二的。I cant help falling in love with you. 我无法不爱你。女生向男生求婚必备的英语口语：Ill give you all my love。我会把我全部的爱都给你。Id like to go to every corner of the world with you。我愿意跟随你到世界的每个角落。I ve always wanted to marry a man like you。我一直都想嫁给像你这样的人。If you propose to me right now, I wont think twice。如果你现在求婚，我不会犹豫的。Il