英语演讲稿笑话精选多篇Word下载.docx

1、甲乙一起去野营.他俩在星光下搭好帐篷然后睡去. 半夜的某时,甲叫醒乙:”抬头看看那些星星,然后告诉我你发现了什么?”乙:”我看见好多好多的星星.”甲:”如此你能推断出什么结论?乙回答道:”嗯.假如天上有无数的恒星,而且其中一些有自己的行星,那么很有可能就会有像地球一样的星球存在.假如有像地球一样的星球存在,那里还可能存在生物.”甲无语:”你个sb.这说明有人偷了我们的帐篷.”英语笑话笑话一：a woman gets on a bus with her baby. the bus driver says: “thats the ugliest baby that ive ever seen. u

2、gh!” the woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. she says to a man next to her: “the driver just insulted me!” the man says: “you go right up there and tell him off go ahead, ill hold your monkey for you.”（某女士带着宝宝坐公交车。司机说：“这是我见过最丑的宝宝。噢!”该女走到车厢后部坐下来，正恼怒得七窍生烟。她对邻座的男子说：“那司机刚才辱骂我!”男子说：“

3、你过去让他滚去吧，我会帮你把这猴子看好的。”）笑话二： “watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” watson replied: “i see millions and millions of stars.” holmes said:” watson replied: “well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like earth

4、 out there. and if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.” and holmes said: “watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”（福尔摩斯和华生出去露营。他们在星空下支起帐篷然后入睡了。半夜时分，福尔摩斯叫醒华生，说：“华生，抬头看看天空，然后告诉我你看到了什么。”华生答道：“我看见了数以百万计的星星。”福尔摩斯说：“那你从这可以推断出什么结果呢?”华生又答：“哦，如果有几百万颗星星的话，

5、即使里面只有少数的一些行星，那么就有可能存在像地球那样的行星。如果有像地球那样的行星，那上面就可能会有生命存在。”福尔摩斯：“华生你这个白痴，这意味着有人偷了俺们的帐篷。笑话三：” the operator says “calm down. i can help. first, lets make sure hes dead.” there is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. back on the phone, the guy says “ok, now what?”（两个猎人在树林里，这时其中一人倒下地。这人似乎已经没有呼吸，眼睛也呆滞无神。另一

6、个家伙拿出电话呼叫应急服务。他气喘吁吁地说：“我的朋友挂了!我该怎么办?”话务员说：“冷静点，我可以帮你。首先，要确认他死了。”对方在电话里安静下来，然后听到一声枪响。那厮拿回电话：“搞定了，现在该干嘛了?1.a boy swore to a girl: honey, do please marry me, otherwise ill diethe girl refused. sixty years later, the boy died.一男生向一女生发誓：亲爱的，请你一定要嫁给我，不然我会死掉的女孩拒绝了。六十年后，那个男生死掉了。2.teacher: johnny, why are yo

7、u late for school every morning?johnny: every time i come to the corner, a guidepost says, school - go slow 老师：约翰，为什么你每天早上都迟到呢？约翰：每次我走到街角的时候，都有一块路牌写着：“学校-小心慢行”3.teacher: tom, why are you so late for school tdoay? and where is your homework book? tom: sorry, miss. i met a robber on my way to school t

8、his morning.teachse: oh, my gosh! so terrible! did he robber anything from you?tom: he.he robbed my homework book.老师：汤姆，你今天为什么迟到这么久？还有你的家庭作业本呢？汤姆：对不起，老师，我今天在上学的路上遇上了一个抢劫犯噢，天哪！太糟糕了！他抢了你什么东西没有？他他抢走了我的家庭作业本4.a male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. she noticed that he was walking strai

9、ght instead of sideways. wow, she thought, this crab is really special. i cant let him get away. so they got married immediately.the next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. “what happened?” she asked.” you used to walk straight before we were mar

10、ried.”oh, honey, “ he replied, “i cant drink that much every day.一只雄蟹遇到一只雌蟹，便要娶她为妻。她注意到他走路是直着走，而不是横着走。哇！她想，这只雄蟹可真特别，我可不能让他跑了。因此他们立刻结婚了。第二天，她又发现她的新郎像其他蟹一样横着走路了。她深感不安。“你怎么了？”她问，“我们结婚前你可是直着走路的。“哦，宝贝，”他回答说，“我不可能每天都喝那么多many years after receiving my graduate degree, i returned to the state university of n

11、ew york at binghamton as a faculty member. one day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. i said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since i began there as a student.when the door finally opened, i felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun

12、smiling at me. “youll get that degree, dear,” she whispered. “perseverance is a virtue.”美 德获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。1.和买驴的人a man wanted to buy an ass. he went to the ma

13、rket, and saw a likely one. but he wanted totest him first. so he took the ass home, and put him into the stable with the other asses.the new ass looked around, and immediately went to choose a place next to the laziest ass inthe stable. when the man saw this he put a halter on the ass at once, and

14、gave him back tohis owner. the owner felt quite surprised. he asked the man, “why are you back so soon? haveyou tested him already?” “i dont want to test him any more,” replied the man, “from thecompanion he chose for himself, i could see what sort of animal he is.”中文：一个买主到市场上去买驴，他看中一头外表不错的驴，但是他想要牵走

15、试一试。他把驴牵回家，放在自己其他的驴之间，这驴四处看看，立即走向一头好吃懒做的驴旁边。于是，买驴的人立刻给那头驴套上辔头，牵去还给驴的卖主。卖主感到很奇怪，他问买主：“你怎么这么快就回来了？”买主说：“不必再试了，从他所选择什么样的朋友来看，我已经知道他是什么样了。2.the looney bin疯人院late one night at the insane asylum （疯人院）one inmate shouted, “i am napoleon!another one said, “how do you know?the first inmate said, “god told me!

16、just then, a voice from another room shouted, “i did not!一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：”我是拿破仑！”另一个说：”你怎么知道？”第一个人说：”上帝对我说的！”一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：”我没说！notes:looney （俚语）疯子inmateinsane asylum （疯人院）3.a mother mouse老鼠的第二语言也重要a mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when shespotted a cat crouched behind a bush.

17、she watched the cat, andthe cat watched the mice.mother mouse barked fiercely, “woof, woof, woof!” the catwas so terrified that it ran for its life.mother mouse turned to her babies and said, “now, do youunderstand the value of a second language?一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非

18、常害怕，拼命跑走了。母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。”1、life after death死后重生”do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.”yes, sir.” the new recruit replied.”well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on.”after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmothers fun

19、eral, she stopped in to see you.“你相信人能死后重生吗？”老板问他的一个员工。“我相信，先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。“哦，那还好”。老板接着说。“你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后，她老人家到这儿看你来了。2、talking clock会说话的钟while proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. “what is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his fr

20、iends asked. “that is the talking clock,” the man replied. “hows it work?”watch,” the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “knock it off, you idiot! its two oclock in the morning!一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，

21、甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！3、pig or witch猪还是女巫a man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. a woman is driving down the same road. as they pass each other, the woman leans

22、out of the window and yells “pig!” the man immediately leans out of his window and replies, “witch（女巫）!” they each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. if only men would listen.一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。他们相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：

23、“猪！”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫！”他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。4、blind date相亲after being with her all evening, the man couldnt take another minute with his blind date. earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.when he

24、returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “i have some bad news. my grandfather just died.”“thank heavens,” his date replied. “if yours hadnt, mine would have had to!和相亲对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢

25、地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！5、 the mean mans party吝啬鬼的聚会the notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, “come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. when the door open, push with your foot.”why use my elbow

26、 and foot?”well, gosh,” was the reply, “youre not coming empty-handed, are you?一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”一、我们什么也没留下we left nothingmrs brown was going out for the day. she locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: “