英语笑话Word文档下载推荐.docx

1、当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？When the young waitress in the caf in Toms building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, Are you single?Wh

2、y, yes, Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.So is my mom, she said. Would you like to meet her?约会在汤姆工作的大楼里有一个咖啡屋，那儿总有一位小姐每天都和他打招呼。汤姆有些受宠若惊，因为这位小姐看上去至少比他年轻15岁。一天她又对汤姆招手并示意汤姆过去。于是汤姆走了过去。她问道，“您现在是单身吗？” “对，是单身，”汤姆满脸堆笑的说。 “我母亲也是，”她说，“您愿不愿意见见她？He is really somebody- My uncle has 1000 men under him.- He is

3、 really somebody. What does he do?- A maintenance man in a cemetery.他真是一个大人物- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？- 墓地守墓人。Goethes ToleranceGoethe was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar. As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him. Both of them stopped, staring at eac

4、h other. Then the critic said, Ill never make way for a fool.But I will, with that Goethe retreated aside.歌德的容忍一次，歌德正在魏玛一个公园的一条狭窄小道上散步。碰巧他遇见一个对他怀有敌意的评论家。两人都停了下来，彼此相互对视。接着评论家说道：“我从来不给傻瓜让路。” “可我给。”说完歌德退到了一边。A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?The father replied:

5、I don t know son. I m still paying!一个小男孩问他的爸爸，结婚要花多少钱？爸爸说：我不知道，因为我仍然在付帐。Secret For a Long LifeA woman walks up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. I couldnt help noticing how happy you look, she says. Whats your secret for a long, happy life?I smoke three packs a day, drink a case o

6、f whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never, ever exercise.Wow, thats amazing, says the woman. How old are you?Twenty-six.长寿秘诀一位女士走向坐在门廊的椅子上摇动的小老头。“我无意中发现，你是多么幸福，”那女士说。“你幸福而长寿的秘密是什么？“我每天抽三包烟，每周喝一箱威士忌，吃高脂肪食品，而且从来不曾锻炼。“哦，真神奇，”女士说。“你高寿？“二十六。How Did You Ever Get HereOne winter morning, an employee expla

7、ined why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two.The boss eyed him suspiciously. Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?I finally gave up, he said, and started for home.你是怎样来的？一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈

8、一步，就要向后退两步。老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？“后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。Be Careful What You Wish ForA couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for a

9、ll 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husbands turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, Well, Id like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.The fairy p

10、icked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety. 慎重许愿一对结婚25周年的夫妻在庆祝他们六十岁的生日。他们恰好在同一天出生。庆祝活动中，一位仙女出现了。她说，由于他们是已经结婚25年的恩爱夫妻，因此她给许给这对夫妻每个人一个愿望。妻子想周游世界。仙女招了招手。“呯！”的一声，她的手中出现了一张票。接下来该丈夫许愿了。他犹豫片刻，害羞地说，“那我想要一位比我年轻30岁的女人。仙女拾起了魔术棒。”，他变成了90岁。My Husband Will Be Home Soon A married man was visiting his girlfriend wh

11、en she requested that he shave his beard. Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.James replied, My wife loves this beard, I couldnt possibly do it, she would kill me!Oh please? the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. Oh really, I cant, he replies.M

12、y wife loves this beard!The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies Oh Michael, you shouldnt be here, my husband will be home soon!我丈夫马上就要回来了 一个已婚男人

13、去拜访他的“女朋友”时，女朋友要求他剃去胡须。“噢，詹姆斯，我喜欢你的胡子，但我更喜欢看到你英俊的面孔。詹姆斯回答说，“我的妻子喜欢我的胡子，所以我不可能剃掉它，否则她会杀了我的。“噢，我求你了，”女朋友用一种低沉的、性感的声音又一次说道。“可是，我不能，”他回答道，“我的妻子喜欢这胡子。在女朋友再三请求下，他终于屈服同意了。夜里，在妻子熟睡时，詹姆斯爬上了床。妻子朦朦胧胧地摸了摸他的脸说道，“噢，迈克尔，你不应该在这里，我的丈夫很快就要回来了。Difference I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class,

14、observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. When I say, Good afternoon, the undergraduates respond, Good afternoon. But the graduate students just write it down.区 别“研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来，”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说。“我说下午好，本科生们回答说下午

15、好。研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上。Prepare Yourself A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading:Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop.Two days later he received a response:Pop prepared. Prepare yourself.自己做好准备 校园里流传着这样的故事：一个学生一次给父母拍了一份电报，上面写着：“妈妈我所有

16、功课都不及格，被学校开除。让爸爸做好准备。两天以后，他收到了回电：“爸爸已准备好。你自己做好准备吧!the lowest gradeProfessor, I did the best I could on this test. I really dont think I deserve a zero.Neither do I. But thats the lowest grade Im allowed to give.最低分学生：“教授先生，我这次考试已经竭尽全力了。我真的觉得我不应该得零蛋。老师：“我也是。但是这已经是我能给的最低分了！1:A man was hit by a cab in

17、the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor:I think that he is very ill.I am afraid that he is dead.said the doctor, Hearing this, the man moved his head and said:m not dead. Im still alive.Be quiet, said the wife. the doctor knows better t

18、han you!医生懂得多 一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院.他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:我想他伤得很厉害.医生说:我怕他已经死了.听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:我没死,我还活着.妻子说:安静,医生比你懂得多.2:英: You cant go without me The busis very crowded.Aman tries to get on,but no one gives way to him.Hey,let me get on the bus.the man shouts.Its too crowded.Youd better take the next bus.a p

19、assenger says to him.But you cant go withou me.Im the driver.the man says.译: 没有我你们走不了 公共汽车上很拥挤.一位男士想上车,但是没有人给他让路.喂,让我上车!那位男士喊道.车太挤了,你最好坐下一辆车上的一位乘客对他说.但是没有我你们走不了.我是司机!那位男士说道. 3:Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and w

20、as always asking questions. Now, he asked, s the meaning of the word Drunk, dad?Well, my son, his father replied, look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.But, dad, the boy said, theres only ONE policeman!醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有

21、提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，醉字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！4:Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of c

22、heese which he laid on the guests plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said:You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?In the rat-trap, sir, replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客

23、人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。5:Dear white, something you got to knowWhen I was born, I was black.When I grow up, I am blackWhen Im under the sun, Im blackWhen Im cold, Im afraid, Im black.When Im sick, Im black.When I die, Im still black.you-white people,When yo

24、u were born, you were pink.When you grow up, you become white.Youre red under the sun.Youre blue when youre cold.You are yellow when youre afraid.Youre green when youre sick.Youre gray when you die.And you, call me color?亲爱的白种人，有几件事你必须知道。 当我出生时，我是黑色的我长大了，我是黑色的我在阳光下，我是黑色的我寒冷时，我是黑色的我害怕时，我是黑色的我生病了，我是黑色

25、的当我死了，我仍是黑色的。你-白种人，当你出生时，你是粉红色的。你长大了，变成白色的。你在阳光下，你是红色的。你寒冷时，你是青色的。你害怕时，你是黄色的。你生病时，你是绿色的。当你死时，你是灰色的。而你，却叫我有色人种？6：Where is the father?Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.Look, said the elder brother. How nice these paintings are!Yes, said the younger, but in all these paintings there

26、 is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, Obviously he was painting the pictures.兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。7：How Many Rabbits?Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I

27、 gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have?Jonathan: Nine, sir. Nine? Ive got one already, sir.多少只兔子？好，乔纳森，假如我给你三只兔子，第二天我又给你五只，你一共有多少只兔子？乔纳森：一共有九只，先生。九只？先生，我本来就有一只。8：These Are My JeansAfter going on a diet，a woman felt really good about herself-especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown long ago“Look，look” she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband“I can wear my old jeans again”Her husband looked at her for a long time，when said，“Honey，I love