1、 my family and I were healthy, my career was busy and successful - I was just feeling vaguely down and in need of a friend who could raise my spirits, someone who would meet me for coffee and let merant until the clouds lifted. I dialed my best friend, who now lives across the country in California,
2、 and got her voicemail. Thats when it started to dawn on me - lonesomeness was at the root of my dreariness. My social life had dwindled to almost nothing, but somehow until that moment Id been too busy to notice. Now it hit me hard. My old friends, buddies since college or even childhood, know ever
3、ything about me; when they left, they had taken my context with them.B) Research has shown the long-range negative consequences of social isolation on ones health. But my concerns were more short-term. I needed to feel understood right then in the way that only a girlfriend can understand you. I kne
4、w it would be wrong to expect my husband to replace my friends: He couldnt, and even if he could, to whom would I then complain about my husband? So I resolved to acquire new friends - women like me who had kids and enjoyed rolling their eyes at the worlda little bit just as I did. Since Id be makin
5、g friends with more intention than Id ever given the process, I realized I could be selective, that I could in effect design my own social life. The down side, of course, was that I felt pretty frightened.C) After all, its a whole lot harder to make friends in midlife that it is when yonre younger -
6、 a fact woman Ive spoken with point out again and again. As Leslie Danzig, 41, a Chicago theater director and mother, sees it, when youre in your teens and 20s, youre more or less friends with everyone unless theres a reason not to be. Your college roommate becomes your best pal at least partly due
7、to proximity. Now there needs to be a reason to be friends. There are many people Im comfort-able around, but I wouldnt go so far as to call them friends. Comfort isnt enough to sustain a real friendship, Danzig says.D) At first, finding new companions felt awkward. At 40 I couldnt run up to people
8、the way my4-year-old daughters do in the playground and ask, Will you be my friend? Every time you start anew relationship, youre vulnerable again, agrees Kathleen Hall, D Min, founder and CEO of the Stress Institute, in Atlanta. Youre asking, Would you like to come into my life? It makes us self-co
9、nscious.E) Fortunately, my discomfort soon passed. I realized that as a mature friend seeker my vulnerability risk was actually pretty low. If someone didnt take me up on my offer, so what: I wasnt in junior high, when I might have been rejected for having the wrong clothes or hair. At my age I have
10、 amassed enough self-esteem to realize that I have plenty to offer.F) Were all so busy, in fact, that mutual interests - say, in a project, class, or cause that we already make time for - become the perfect catalysts for bringing us in contact with candidates for camaraderie. Michelle Mertes, 35, a
11、teacher and mother of two in Wausau, Wisconsin, says anew friend she made at church came as a pleasant surprise. In high school I chose friends based on their popular-ity and how being part of their circle might reflect on me. Nows its our shared values and activities that count. Mertes says her pal
12、, with whom she organized the churchs youth programs, is nothing like her but their drive and organizational skills make them ideal friends.G) Happily, as awkward as making new friends can be, self-esteem issues do not factor in - or if they do, you can easily put them into perspective. Danzig tells
13、 of the mother of a child in her sons pre-school, a tall, beautiful woman who is married to a big-deal rock musician. I said to my husband, shes too cool for me, she jokes. I get intimidated by people. But once I got to know her, she turned out to be pretty laid-back and friendly. In the end there w
14、as no chemistry between them, so they didnt become good pals. I realized that we werent each others type, but it wasnt about hierarchy. What midlife friendship is about, it seems, is reflecting the person youve become (or are still becoming) back at yourself, thus reinforcing the progress youve made in your life.H) Harlene Katzman, 41, a lawyer in New York City, notes that her oldest friends knew her back when she was less sure of herself. As much as
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