英语演讲稿笑话精选多篇.docx

1、英语演讲稿笑话精选多篇英语演讲稿笑话(精选多篇) two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. he doesnt seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. the other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. he gasps, “my friend is dead! what can i do?”. the operator says “calm down. i can help. f

2、irst, lets make sure hes dead.” there is a silence, then a shot is heard. back on the phone, the guy says “ok, now what?”简单翻译:两个猎人在森林里打猎,突然甲倒下了.并且看上去不再呼吸了,眼睛也变得呆滞.乙赶紧拿起电话打给救护中心,上气不接下气的说:”我的朋友死了,怎么办?.”服务人员说:”淡定,我有办法.首先,我们嘚确保他是死了.” 安静了一会儿,电话里响起了一阵枪声,电话那头乙说道:”好了,那接下来怎么办.”下面是被评选世界第二搞笑的笑话：sherlock holmes

3、 and dr watson were going camping. they pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night holmes woke watson up and said: “watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”watson replied: “i see millions and millions of stars.”holmes said: “and what do

4、you deduce from that?”watson replied: “well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. and if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”and holmes said: “watson, you idiot, it m

5、eans that somebody stole our tent.”简单翻译:甲乙一起去野营.他俩在星光下搭好帐篷然后睡去. 半夜的某时,甲叫醒乙:”抬头看看那些星星,然后告诉我你发现了什么?”乙:”我看见好多好多的星星.”甲:”如此你能推断出什么结论?”乙回答道:”嗯.假如天上有无数的恒星,而且其中一些有自己的行星,那么很有可能就会有像地球一样的星球存在.假如有像地球一样的星球存在,那里还可能存在生物.”甲无语:”你个sb.这说明有人偷了我们的帐篷.”英语笑话笑话一：a woman gets on a bus with her baby. the bus driver says: “tha

6、ts the ugliest baby that ive ever seen. ugh!” the woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. she says to a man next to her: “the driver just insulted me!” the man says: “you go right up there and tell him off go ahead, ill hold your monkey for you.”笑话二：sherlock holmes and dr watson wer

7、e going camping. they pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night holmes woke watson up and said: “watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” watson replied: “i see millions and millions of stars.” holmes said: “and what do you deduce from th

8、at?” watson replied: “well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. and if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.” and holmes said: “watson, you idiot, it means that somebo

9、dy stole our tent.”1.a boy swore to a girl: honey, do please marry me, otherwise ill diethe girl refused. sixty years later, the boy died.一男生向一女生发誓：亲爱的，请你一定要嫁给我，不然我会死掉的女孩拒绝了。六十年后，那个男生死掉了。2.teacher: johnny, why are you late for school every morning?johnny: every time i come to the corner, a guidepost

10、 says, school - go slow 老师：约翰，为什么你每天早上都迟到呢？约翰：每次我走到街角的时候，都有一块路牌写着：“学校-小心慢行”3.teacher: tom, why are you so late for school tdoay? and where is your homework book? tom: sorry, miss. i met a robber on my way to school this morning.teachse: oh, my gosh! so terrible! did he robber anything from you?tom:

11、he.he robbed my homework book.老师：汤姆，你今天为什么迟到这么久？还有你的家庭作业本呢？汤姆：对不起，老师，我今天在上学的路上遇上了一个抢劫犯老师：噢，天哪！太糟糕了！他抢了你什么东西没有？汤姆：他他抢走了我的家庭作业本4.a male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. she noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. wow, she thought, this crab is really special. i cant

12、 let him get away. so they got married immediately.the next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. “what happened?” she asked.” you used to walk straight before we were married.”oh, honey, “ he replied, “i cant drink that much every day.一只雄蟹遇到一只雌蟹，便要

13、娶她为妻。她注意到他走路是直着走，而不是横着走。哇！她想，这只雄蟹可真特别，我可不能让他跑了。因此他们立刻结婚了。第二天，她又发现她的新郎像其他蟹一样横着走路了。她深感不安。“你怎么了？”她问，“我们结婚前你可是直着走路的。”“哦，宝贝，”他回答说，“我不可能每天都喝那么多many years after receiving my graduate degree, i returned to the state university of new york at binghamton as a faculty member. one day in a crowded elevator, som

14、eone remarked on its inefficiency. i said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since i began there as a student.when the door finally opened, i felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. “youll get that degree, dear,” she whispered. “perseverance is

15、 a virtue.”美 德获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。”1.和买驴的人a man wanted to buy an ass. he went to the market, and saw a likely one. but he wanted totest him first. so he took the a

16、ss home, and put him into the stable with the other asses.the new ass looked around, and immediately went to choose a place next to the laziest ass inthe stable. when the man saw this he put a halter on the ass at once, and gave him back tohis owner. the owner felt quite surprised. he asked the man,

17、 “why are you back so soon? haveyou tested him already?” “i dont want to test him any more,” replied the man, “from thecompanion he chose for himself, i could see what sort of animal he is.”中文：一个买主到市场上去买驴，他看中一头外表不错的驴，但是他想要牵走试一试。他把驴牵回家，放在自己其他的驴之间，这驴四处看看，立即走向一头好吃懒做的驴旁边。于是，买驴的人立刻给那头驴套上辔头，牵去还给驴的卖主。卖主感到很

18、奇怪，他问买主：“你怎么这么快就回来了？”买主说：“不必再试了，从他所选择什么样的朋友来看，我已经知道他是什么样了。”2.the looney bin疯人院late one night at the insane asylum !” they each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. if only men would listen.一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。他们相遇时，那个

19、女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪！”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫！”他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。4、blind date相亲after being with her all evening, the man couldnt take another minute with his blind date. earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to le

20、ave.when he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “i have some bad news. my grandfather just died.”“thank heavens,” his date replied. “if yours hadnt, mine would have had to!”和相亲对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的

21、祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”5、 the mean mans party吝啬鬼的聚会the notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, “come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. when the door open, push with your foot.”wh

22、y use my elbow and foot?”well, gosh,” was the reply, “youre not coming empty-handed, are you?”一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”一、我们什么也没留下we left nothingmrs brown was going out for the day. she locked the house and tacked a

23、 note for the milkman on the door: “nobody home. don?t leave anything.” when she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. on the note she had left, she found the following message added:”thanks! we haven?t left anything!” 我们什么也没留下布朗太太要外出一天。 她锁好了房门，在门上给送牛奶的人钉了一张便条：

24、“家里没人，请不要留下任何东西！” 她当天晚上回家后发现房间门被撞开，房子被洗劫一空。在她留给送奶人的便条上，她发现被补充了一句：“谢谢！我们什么也没留下！”我去应聘时，考官是一漂亮小姐，一紧张我说了如下内容：二、“my name is ?old five wang?”“i boom at 1971year！”born我念成了boom，反正很像。 “my toyear is 28year”事后才知today是今天，但今年不是toyear。 “my home have a papa and a mama and a didi”其实我知道弟弟要用brother，但因念太顺了，所以念成didi。“a

25、nd a uncle and a young watch sister and a old watch sister live with us”事后才知表姐表妹都错了，watch是表没错，但是watch是指手表。可是我发誓读书时英文没教过表姐妹的英文。“my interest is sing song、see movie、xxxx do computer and push horse road”我念到操作电脑时，她有咦的一声，这小姐会不会听不懂。后来我才知道英文骂人的“操”字跟“操作”的字是不同的。“my special long is up internet、sales、play power

26、 movegame and beat word”“in the future i hope can go round travel world and help everybody all very happy”“thank you and over！”那小姐整整愣了一分钟。三、next time that you think you?re having a bad daythe average cost of rehabilitate one seal after the valdez oil spill in alaska was $80,000. at a special ceremon

27、y, two of the most expensively-saved animals were released into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. a minute later, a killer whale ate them both.阿拉斯加瓦尔迪兹发生石油泄漏以后，救援每只海豹的平均费用达到8万美元。在一个特别的仪式上面，有两只花巨款拯救回来的海豹，在人们的欢呼和掌声中被放回大自然。一分钟后，它们双双被一头杀人鲸吞入肚中。四、blind date have had to!”和相亲对象呆了一晚上后,男人再也受不

28、了了.他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话,这样他就能借故先离开了.当他回到桌边,他垂下眼睛,装出一副阴沉的表情,说：“有个不幸的消息,我的祖父刚刚去世了.”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说,“如果你的祖父不死,我的祖父就得死了！”.五、小男孩与驴子 a small boy and a donkeya small boy leading a donkey passed by an army camp.a couple of soldiers wanted to have some fun with the lad. what are you holding onto your brother so tig

29、ht for, sonny? asked one of them.so he wont join the army,英语笑话带翻译 the youngster replied without blinking an eye. 一个小男孩牵着头驴子穿过部队营房.两名士兵想跟小家伙开个玩笑：小孩,你把你哥哥牵得这么紧干什么？这样,他就不会去参军了.小家伙眼都不眨地回答道.a good boylittle robert asked his mother for two cents.”what gave you yesterday?”did you do with the money i “i gav

30、e it to a poor old woman,” he answered.”youre a good boy,” said the mother proudly.”here are are two woman?”you so interested cents more. in but the why old “she is the one who sells the candy.”好孩子小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 ”昨天给你的钱干什么了？”我给了一个可怜的老太婆，“你真是个好孩子，“妈妈骄傲地说。“他回答说。“再给 你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”“她是个卖糖果的。”if i

31、 am a managerone assigned day in class, the teacher composition his all the students began to write except if i am a managerstudents to write .a a boy. the teacher went to him and asked the reason.“i am waiting for my secretary,” was the boys answer如果我是一个经理.一天课上，老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。 所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。 “我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。big handsteacher: one otherhand if and i had eight seven oranges oranges in the in student: big hands., what would i have? 大手老师：如果我左手上有