老外最精彩一句话笑话附中文整理版.docx

1、老外最精彩一句话笑话附中文整理版1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 开始我直接求帝哥赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨帝哥办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一辆然后求帝哥宽恕。 2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 我希望能像爷爷

2、那样，安静地在睡梦中死去 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一样死法啊！ 3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 你永远不能战胜一个纯牛逼 ,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你 4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But its still on the list. 吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。/我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。/在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这

3、件事仍在我的考虑之列. 5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then youre doing it wrong. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞. /若XXOO。是下体的痛。那么。是你操错。 6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫晚到的老鼠有奶酪 /早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。 7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. 在

4、咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比pol.ice来的快. 8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you dont have a good partner, youd better have a good hand. XXOO=打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使 9、Some people are like Slinkies . not really good for anything, but you cant help *iling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具

5、），没什么实在用处，但看他们倒腾来捣腾去还是很有喜感。 10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律的更替，而且是为了同一个无比肮脏的理由！ 11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。 / 暴力不能解决任何问题，但至少可以解决你。 12、Women mi

6、ght be able to fake orga*s. But men can fake a whole relati*hip. 女人的*可能是装出来的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的！/女人假装*以获取真实的感情；男人假装感情以获取真实的*。 13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在公众面前装逼。 14、Men have two emoti*: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, mak

7、e him a sandwich. 男人就两种状态：饿，性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他来俩面包夹香肠！ 15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 光总是比声音跑的快点.这就是为嘛有些NB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B. 16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. 我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都是那么的坦荡。 17、I thought I wante

8、d a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 小姐啊，你干这么半天不揍是为了钱么。（曾以为我在卖艺，原来我是在卖身。） 18、If you think no cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of payments. 你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫 19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer. XXOO并不是结论而是个问题.爽不爽才是答案. 20、Mop Evening news

9、 is where they begin with Good evening, and then proceed to tell you why it isnt. 猫扑大杂烩晚间新闻总是先向你问好，再告诉你好个毛！ 21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 一根火柴能点着整片大兴安岭，一盒火柴也生不起个营火，这咋回事（想当年哥戴套都能让人怀孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈） 22、If 4 out of 5 peo

10、ple SUFFER from diarrhea. does that mean that one enjoys it? 如果4/5的人认为腹泻十分痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事很享受哈 23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个篮子。/所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧告诉你这终还是男女有别 24、If God is watching us, the least we can do

11、is be entertaining. 帝哥瞅着咱们呢。我说大伙好歹喜感点吧！ 25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 无论。任何情况。永远。不要在一个夜晚。同时吃。安眠药。和。通便灵。 26、I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian 老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端不是为了成为一个食素者滴 27、A bus station is where a bus stops

12、. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站 28、If I agreed with you wed both be wrong. 行。我听你的。咱俩就都2B了。 29、Did you know that dolphins are so *art that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool

13、 and throw them fish? 海豚可聪明了你知道不？只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃了。 30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 下棋，我不行；玩跆拳道，电脑不行！/下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转，打魂斗罗我能把机箱踹得七零八散！ 31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on it.so I said Implants? 瞅见个姐姐，衣服胸前写着“Guess”.俺就问了一句：“.隆过？

14、” 32、Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. 孩子定义：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。 33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the

15、paint is wet? 有些人相信天上星，数不清，却偏不信“油漆未干”。 34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. 越解释越NB，不说话最NB。/ 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜，也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。/ 剽悍的人生不需要解释 35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you dont need it. 银行就喜欢在你拍胸脯说不缺钱的时候死皮赖脸的求您跟他借 36、Laugh at yo

16、ur problems, every else does. 你有什么不开心的？说出来给大家开心开心。 37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 我知道没人在我脑子里跟我聊天，但那些话真TM有用！（我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足够让我意淫） 38、A clear c*cience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 无愧于心哈？记性不好吧？（自从那次在人妖身边醒来，每次去*我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼镜”） 39、Good girls are bad girl

17、s that never get caught. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女（想立牌坊就得会装） 40、He who *iles in a crisis has found someone to blame. 临危忽然微笑的那个逼，定是找到替罪羊鸟 41、Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 如果女人能做到带着秃顶和啤酒肚上大街还觉得自己倍儿性感此时估

18、计男女能平等。 42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 小腿上滴骨头在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。 43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 圣诞老人当然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊 44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiari*. To steal from many is research. 剽窃一个人的叫剽窃，剽窃许多人

19、的叫研究。（窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。） 45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 有些人一来大家就开心了；有些人一走大家就开心了。. 46、I discovered I scream the same way whether Im about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨叫声是一样滴。 /热恋无小事，

20、屁大的也是个霹雳！ 47、Crowded elevators *ell different to midgets. 横看成岭侧成峰，矮人眼里全是湿。 48、I didnt say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 我可没怨你！我就是骂你！ 49、Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says If an emergency, notify: I put DOCTOR. Whats my mother going to do? 当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我

21、填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什么忙？！ 50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many. 上帝蜀黍一定倍儿爱NB，不然他造这么多 51、Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 每一个成功的男人背后都有一个女人。每一个翻船的成功男人背后往往多了一个女人。 52、I always take life with a grain of salt, .plus a slice of le

22、mon, .and a shot of tequila. 女人对于我来说是小菜一碟，我通常用嫩黄瓜和橄榄油就着吃。/生活对于我来说是小菜一碟，我通常用黄瓜和橄榄油就着吃。 /生活，是一团麻.绳，.再加一根蜡烛.一柄皮鞭。/老子过的日子那叫一个重口味。 53、The sole purpose of a childs middle name, is so he can tell when hes really in trouble. 贾君鹏这名字就为了让他妈喊他回家吃饭！ 54、Its not the fall that kills you; its the sudden stop at the

23、end. 跳楼的时候，“啊”的时候还没死，“啪！”那才是死了。 55、Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 人工智能从来敌不过天然牛逼 。 56、Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 不要以为用“麦秸秆”就能打击到男人，要“擀面杖”才行。/男人皮厚，所以不要用易碎的玻璃打，而要用实打实的棒球棍。/对付裴勇俊这种（戴眼镜装B的）人，就要球棒毁他的容。 57、Theres a fine line between cuddling and h

24、olding someone down so they cant get away. 抱摔是留不住女人的，搂抱才管用。/抱和爆是有区别的。 /推倒和拥抱是有微妙的区别的哟！/拥抱和柔道里的压制是有区别的！ 58、A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. 所谓砍价，就是这东西虽然你不需要，但价格太好必须要买下来！ 59、Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 绝对不要和长得丑的争执，他们已经没什么可输的了。 60、M

25、y opini* may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 我的观点或许改变了，但我是正确的这一事实却亘古不变。（我们要搞Communist主义，也要搞有中国特色的社会主义。） 61、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, youre ugly too. 心理医师：你神经病 我：能说点别的吗？ 心理医师：好！而且你真TM丑 62、A little boy asked his father, Daddy,

26、 how much does it cost to get married? Father replied, I dont know son, Im still paying. 一单纯傻儿子问他爹：“爸，结婚到底要花多少钱啊？”他爸说：“儿啊，我真不知道.没看见我还在交钱吗？” 63、Some people say If you cant beat them, join them. I say If you cant beat them, beat them, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have t

27、he element of surprise. 有人说“打不过，就合作”。我说“打不过，也要打”。因为丫们指望你加入，得来点惊喜！ 64、When in doubt, mumble. 脑子不好使的话，你该嘟囔就嘟囔。 /当你给别人一个不确定的答案的时候，就应该用教父中马龙白兰度的语气。 65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 我已决定长生不老，目前为止，感觉良好。 66、Hospitality: making your guests feel like theyre at home, even if you wish they were 好客

28、就是：让客人觉得他们像在他们家一样，尽管你真的希望他们滚回他们家。 67、If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you! 跳伞是这样一种运动：不成功则成仁！ 68、A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 电视侮辱你的智商，电脑则是吐你槽的终极存在 / 电视使人脑残，电脑使人脑瘫。 69、Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. 知识

29、就是力量，力量会邪恶化。于是好好学习当大魔王吧！ 70、Money cant buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 钱买不来幸福，但有了它，痛苦的日子会好熬一点。 71、Always borrow money from a pessimist. He wont expect it back. 跟悲观主义者借钱吧！他反正不指望你还 72、Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. 担忧真的好使！老子担心的事儿90%都没发生！ 73、V

30、irginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone. 贞操如泡影，一戳无踪影。 74、Nostalgia isnt what it used to be. 怀旧不是停滞不前/这年头，连怀旧都不如从前够味儿了。/我思念那些曾经懂得思念的日子。 75、With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. 只要主义真，猪也成超人 / 信春哥 ，得永生 76、I shouldve known it wasnt going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After

31、 all, Im a Libra and shes a bitch. 我早就该知道我跟我EX没戏归根结底，我是天枰她是JP！ 77、Hallmark Card: Im so miserable without you, its almost like youre still here. 那些无法挽回的东西，保留着和舍弃掉都是一样的痛苦。（没有女人冷冷清清，有了女人鸡犬不宁） 78、Youre never too old to learn something stupid. 越活越2 /活到老,2到老 79、A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 即使这条路通往地狱，外交官们也能忽悠你上路 /人把你卖了，你还帮人数钱！ 80、I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, Im going to mop the floor with your face. I sa