South Park616.docx

South Park616.docx

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SouthPark616

SouthPark

6X16-MyFutureSelfN'Me

[SouthPark,woods,night.Sixboyslookatatreestumpsurroundedbylitter.TheyareJimmy,Toke,Craig,Clyde,Kyle,andCartman.Kyleiscarryingablacktrashbag.Onthestumpisamarijuanajointandsomepaper]

Kyle:

[thruststhebagatClyde]Throwitaway,Clyde!

Clyde:

I'mnotgonnatouchit.Youthrowitaway.

Stan:

[arriving]What'sgoingon?

Kyle:

[pointsatthejoint]Somehighschoolerslefttheirmarijuanacigarettebehind.Uhwehavetothrowitawaybeforesomekidsfinditorsomething.

Stan:

Sothrowitaway.

Clyde:

Nobodywantstotouchit.

Kyle:

Whatiftheresiduegetsonourhandsanditleadstoharderdrugslikethosecommercialssay.

Craig:

Yeah,didn'tyouseethatcommercialwhereitsaysthatifyouhavepotyoucouldbecomeaterrorist?

Clyde:

Andthecommercialwherethetwokidshavepotandtheonekidsshootstheother.Harmless?

Stan:

Youguys,thosecommercialsarejustexaggerations.

Token:

Howdoyouknow?

Noneofushadeverhadanydrugsbefore.

Jimmy:

Well,IdidEcstacyonce.[theotherboyslookathim]Meandmygirlfriendtookitandwestayedupallnighthaving...sex.[theotherboysjuststare]

Kyle:

...Wheredidyouhavesexwithher?

Jimmy:

Inher...va-vagina.[smiles,buttheotherboysremainsilent]Thankyou,thankyou.Whataterrificaudience.

Stan:

[annoyedathisfriends'skittishness]It'sjustastupidplantthatmakesyoudumb.Touchingitwon'thurtyou.

Cartman:

[takesthebagfromKyleandoffersittoStan]Thenyouthrowitaway,smartass.[Stanwalkedintothatone]

Stan:

Fine,Iwill.[takesthebagandwalksovertothestump,facestheboys,andtossesthejointintothebag]There,see?

Itouchedmarijuana.I'mnotaterrorist,Ididn'tshootanybody,andIdon'tfeellikedoingmoredrugsnow.Nobigdeal.

[SouthPark,night.Tothesoundofdramaticmusic,lightningrelentlesslyflashesallovertown.Stan'shouseisshownaslightningstrikesit.InthelivingroomStanwatches"TheOsbournes"withhisgrandfather.Ozzyisshowninhislivingroomtalkingtohiskids]

Ozzy:

Youkids[bleep]don't[bleep]aroundwithyour[bleep]mom!

Jack:

Dad,we[bleep]ingcan't!

It'sabig[bleep]icka[bleep]

Sharon:

[entersscolding]Stan,whatdidItellyouaboutwatchingTheOsbournes?

Stan:

Aw,comeon,Mom.

Sharon:

It'sgoingtomakeyouretarded!

[startsflippingchannels,thensettlesonanewsreport,thenwalksaway]

Stan:

It'sjustashow!

Itdoesn'thaveanyfuckingeffectonme,forfuck'ssake!

GrandpaMarvin:

Ohgoody.Nowwecanwatchthenews.

Tom:

Inothernews,SouthParkpolicearestilllookingforacraaazymanwhoterrorizedthetownonehourago.[asilhouetteofamanrunningisbehindthewords"CRAZYMAN"andaquestionmarkisonthesilhouette]Themanclaimedtobefromthefutureandrannakedthroughthecitystreetsscreaming"Thepast!

Thepast!

OhmyGod,it'sthepast!

"Whichiswhatonewouldexpectsomeoneinthefuturetoyell.[aknockisheardonthefrontdoor,Sharongoestoanswerit.Beforeherstandsadisheveledmanwithlongbrownhairandstubblybeard.He'swrappedinalargetowelandwearsabluecapwithredpipingandpuff,likeStandoes]

NakedMan:

[slurringhisvoice]OhmyGod,it'sthepast!

[looksatSharon]Oh,whoaman,it'syou!

Sharon:

Whoareyou?

NakedMan:

It'sme,Mom,yoursonStan.[Sharonlooksshocked,andthecamerazoomsinonthat.Behindher,stillwatchingTV,areStanandMarvin.Stanlooksover]

Randy:

[joiningSharonatthedoor]Whoisit,Sharon?

NakedMan:

Dad!

Randy:

Dad?

?

Look!

Wedon'tknowyouandyoudon'tknowus!

Justgoawaybeforewecallthepolice!

Stan:

[risesfromthesofaandwalksover]Whothefuckisis,MomandDad?

NakedMan:

Noway,it'smefromthepast!

[looksquiterelieved]

Stan:

I'mmefromthepast?

NakedMan:

[genuflectstoStan,wholeansbackabit]No,I'myoufromthefuture!

[rises,andRandyhelpshimup]Ohman,thisissomessedup.

Randy:

[pushingthemanoutthedoor]Okay,we'vehadenough!

NakedMan:

Yourname'sRandyMarsh,you'reageologist,andyoudon'tlikechicken.Mom,yourmaidennameisKimbleandyouhaveascaronyourleftkneefromwhenyouslippedintheswimmingpool.

Sharon:

[inhushedtones]Randy,what'sgoingon?

Randy:

[inhushedtones]Idon'tknow.

NakedMan:

Dude,justletmetalktoyouforlike,fiveminutes.AfterthatI'llbail.

[TheMarshdiningroom.Thenakedmanisnowdressedinstreetclothesandseatedattheheadofthetable.He'semjoyingabeerandregularcigarette.Theotherslookdazedandconfusedatthemanasherecountshismemories]

FutureStan:

IcanstillrememberwhenIwasfiveandyoubothfoundthatsquirrelI'dbeenkeepingintheclosetand,youletmekeepitforanotherweekandthenitranawaybut...Iknowthat'sjustwhatyoutoldme.IknowthatMomhadactuallyletitout.

Randy:

Howcouldhepossiblyknowallthatunless...heisoursonfromthefuture.

Sharon:

Butwhyareyoubackinthistimewithus,son?

FutureStan:

Ihavenoidea,man.Iwasjustabouttogoasleepinanalleybehindthecrackhouse,[Stanisaghastatwhathewouldbecme]andIshotupalittleheroin,andthenthiselectricalstormstarted.NextthingIknewIwasrunningaroundinmyownpast,man.Ithought...Iwasjusttripping,butthenIcamedownandIwasstillhere.Oh,dude,it'ssobizarre!

Stan:

Ohdude,Ishouldhavenevertouchedthatmarijuana!

Randy:

[layinghandsontheman'sshoulder]Stan,whatever'shappened,wegoingtohelpyou.

Sharon:

[reachingout]That'sright.We'reafamilynomatterwhattimeshift.

FutureStan:

Thanks.CanIgetanotherbeer?

Sharon:

Youmustbeexhausted.Whydon'tyougetsomesleep?

FutureStan:

That'dbekiller.WherecanIcrash?

Sharon:

WellI'msureStanwouldn'tmindhisroom,wouldyou,Stan?

Stan:

What?

?

Ihavetosharemyroomwithmyfutureself?

?

Ohno!

[squeezeshiseyesshutandburiestheminhisrighthand]

Singer:

Hereweare,facetoface,"MyFutureSelf-n-Me"

[StanandFutureStanstrolldownaroad.FutureStanhasabeer]

Stan:

[rightatthecamera]Stopit!

Singer:

Somuchalike,andyetsodifferent

Stan:

[Stan'sfutureselfjoinshiminbedafterfresheningupinthebathroom]No!

Singer:

Oneofthem'smessy,theotherone'sclean!

[Stan'sfutureselfturnsoffthelightwhileStanlookspissedoff]

Gettin'alongisn'talwayseasy,sometimeswedisagree

[Stan'sfutureselfbrusheshisteethasStanstandsnexttohim,avoidinghim.FutureStanspitshisfrothytoothpasteintothesink]

Stan:

Quitit!

Singer:

Butintheendweknowwe'regoodforeachother

[bothStanseatcereal,butthefutureStanhastroublepouringmilkintohisbowl.Itsplashesoutofthebowlalongwithsomecereal.Stanjustburieshisfaceinhishandsinfrustration]

Twopeasinapod,FutureSelf-n-Me

FutureSelf-n-Me,FutureSelf-n-

[Nowtheyhaveseparatebeds.Stanturnsthelightoutandtriestosleep.FutureStanreachesovertoturniton.Stanmovestoturniton,andtheyfightovertheswitchuntiloneofthemsleeps]

Me

[Busstop,nextday.StanarriveswithfutureStan]

Stan:

Heyguys.

Kyle,Cartman:

Hey.

FutureStan:

Whoa,KyleandCartman!

It'ssocooltoseeyouguys.

Cartman:

Who'sthisasshole?

Stan:

Thisismyfutureself.Hecameduringtheelectricalstormlastnightandiscaughtinatimematrix.He'smewhenI'm32.

Kyle:

Wow.That'sprettycool.

Cartman:

Thenhowdoesheknowournames?

Kyle:

'Cause,artard,he'sStanfromthefuture.HeknowseverythingStanknows.

Cartman:

Ohhh.Wait.Stanbecomesthisdouchebag?

FutureStan:

Yeah,Ispentalotofmyteenageyearsonaslowdownwardspiralexperimentingwithdrugsandalcohol.[Cartmanhasaheartylaugh]

Stan:

Shutup,Cartman!

Cartman:

Thatissoawesome!

!

ThankyouGod!

[bowsdeeply]OhpraiseGod!

Kyle:

Hey,whathappenstomeinthefuture?

FutureStan:

Oh,Idon'tknow.Youguysstayedawayfromdrugs,soyou'reokay.IjustlosttouchwithyouafterIwassenttoJuviHallin2006.

Cartman:

[patsStanontheback]JuviHall!

[laughsheartily,thengloats]Stan'saloser!

Stan'saloser!

[laughsheartily]

Stan:

[underhisbreath]God-damnit!

[SouthParkElementary,afterschool,Garrison'sclassroom.StanandButtersareseatednexttoeachother,andtherearenootherkidsaround]

Stan:

Thanksforstayingafterschoolandtutoringme,Butters.

Butters:

Uhwell,surething,Stan.Eh,howcomeyoucareaboutschoolworkallofasudden?

Stan:

Itoldyou,Ican'tstandmyfutureself.IhavetodowhateverIcantonotbecomealoserlikehim.

Butters:

Well,studyingisthegoldenkeytotheimposingdoorofsuccess.

Stan:

Ijustcan'tstandhavingmyfutureselfaroundallthetime!

It'sdrivingmecrazy!

[getsoffhisseatandstartspacingthefloor]MaybeifIgetsmarterIwon'tbecomehimandIwon'thavetosharemyroom!

Butters:

Iknowwhatyoumean.Ihatehavingmyfutureselfaround,too.

Stan:

Yeah,it'slikeeverythingIdo,he...[stopsandthenlooksatButters]Waitaminute,what'dyousay?

Butters:

Isaid,Iknowhowyoufeel.Mylifehasgonecompletelydownhilleversincemyfutureselfmovedin.Ihatehim!

AllheeverwantstodoiswatchBecker.Andthatshowissostupid.[Stanissurprisedbythisaccount]

Stan:

[afteramoment]Dude,howlonghasyourfutureselfbeenaround?

Butters:

Oh.Iguessit'sbeenaroundfourmonthsnow.

Stan:

Fourmonths?

?

Andyounevertoldanybodythatyouwerelivingwith