A Burlesque Autobiography.docx
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ABurlesqueAutobiography
ABurlesqueAutobiographybyMarkTwainCONTENTS:
MARKTWAIN'S(BURLESQUE)AUTO-BIOGRAPHY
FIRSTROMANCE.
BURLESQUEAUTOBIOGRAPHY.
TwoorthreepersonshavingatdifferenttimesintimatedthatifIwouldwriteanautobiographytheywouldreadit,whentheygotleisure,Iyieldatlasttothisfrenziedpublicdemand,andherewithtendermyhistory:
Oursisanobleoldhouse,andstretchesalongwaybackintoantiquity.
TheearliestancestortheTwainshaveanyrecordofwasafriendofthefamilybythenameofHiggins.Thiswasintheeleventhcentury,whenourpeoplewerelivinginAberdeen,countyofCork,England.Whyitisthatourlonglinehaseversincebornethematernalname(exceptwhenoneofthemnowandthentookaplayfulrefugeinanaliastoavertfoolishness),insteadofHiggins,isamysterywhichnoneofushaseverfeltmuchdesiretostir.Itisakindofvague,prettyromance,andweleaveitalone.Alltheoldfamiliesdothatway.
ArthourTwainwasamanofconsiderablenoteasolicitoronthehighwayinWilliamRufus'time.AtabouttheageofthirtyhewenttooneofthosefineoldEnglishplacesofresortcalledNewgate,toseeaboutsomething,andneverreturnedagain.Whiletherehediedsuddenly.
AugustusTwain,seemstohavemadesomethingofastirabout-theyear1160.Hewasasfulloffunashecouldbe,andusedtotakehisoldsabreandsharpenitup,andgetinaconvenientplaceonadarknight,andstickitthroughpeopleastheywentby,toseethemjump.Hewasabornhumorist.Buthegottogoingtoofarwithit;andthefirsttimehewasfoundstrippingoneoftheseparties,theauthoritiesremovedoneendofhim,andputituponanicehighplaceonTempleBar,whereitcouldcontemplatethepeopleandhaveagoodtime.Heneverlikedanysituationsomuchorstucktoitsolong.
Thenforthenexttwohundredyearsthefamilytreeshowsasuccessionofsoldiers--noble,high-spiritedfellows,whoalwayswentintobattlesinging;rightbehindthearmy,andalwayswentouta-whooping,rightaheadofit.
ThisisascathingrebuketoolddeadFroissart'spoorwitticismthatourfamilytreeneverhadbutonelimbtoit,andthatthatonestuckoutatrightangles,andborefruitwinter,andsummer.
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OURFAMILYTREE
EarlyinthefifteenthcenturywehaveBeauTwain,called"theScholar."
Hewroteabeautiful,beautifulhand.Andhecouldimitateanybody'shandsocloselythatitwasenoughtomakeapersonlaughhisheadofftoseeit.Hehadinfinitesportwithhistalent.Butbyandbyhetookacontracttobreakstoneforaroad,andtheroughnessoftheworkspoiledhishand.Still,heenjoyedlifeallthetimehewasinthestonebusiness,which,withinconsiderableintervals,wassomeforty-twoyears.
Infact,hediedinharness.Duringallthoselongyearshegavesuchsatisfactionthatheneverwasthroughwithonecontractaweektillgovernmentgavehimanother.Hewasaperfectpet.Andhewasalwaysafavoritewithhisfellow-artists,andwasaconspicuousmemberoftheirbenevolentsecretsociety,calledtheChainGang.Healwaysworehishairshort,hadapreferenceforstripedclothes,anddiedlamentedbythegovernment.Hewasasorelosstohiscountry.Forhewassoregular.
SomeyearslaterwehavetheillustriousJohnMorganTwain.HecameovertothiscountrywithColumbusin1492,asapassenger.Heappearstohavebeenofacrusty,uncomfortabledisposition.Hecomplainedofthefoodallthewayover,andwasalwaysthreateningtogoashoreunlesstherewasachange.Hewantedfreshshad.Hardlyadaypassedoverhisheadthathedidnotgoidlingabouttheshipwithhisnoseintheair,sneeringaboutthecommander,andsayinghedidnotbelieveColumbusknewwherehewasgoingtoorhadeverbeentherebefore.Thememorablecryof"Landho!
"thrilledeveryheartintheshipbuthis.Hegazedawhilethroughapieceofsmokedglassatthepenciledlinelyingonthedistantwater,andthensaid:
"Landbehanged,--it'saraft!
"
Whenthisquestionablepassengercameonboardtheship,hebroughtnothingwithhimbutanoldnewspapercontainingahandkerchiefmarked"B.G.,"onecottonsockmarked"L.W.C."onewoollenonemarked"D.F."
andanight-shirtmarked"O.M.R."Andyetduringthevoyageheworriedmoreabouthis"trunk,"andgavehimself,moreairsaboutit,thanalltherestofthepassengersputtogether.
Iftheshipwas"downbythehead,"andwouldgotsteer,hewouldgoandmovehis"trunk"fartheraft,andthenwatchtheeffect.Iftheshipwas"bythestern,"hewouldsuggesttoColumbustodetailsomemento"shiftthatbaggage."Instormshehadtobegagged,becausehiswailingsabouthis"trunk"madeitimpossibleforthementoheartheorders.Themandoesnotappeartohavebeenopenlychargedwithanygravelyunbecomingthing,butitisnotedintheship'slogasa"curiouscircumstance"thatalbeithebroughthisbaggageonboardtheshipinanewspaper,hetookitashoreinfourtrunks,aqueenswarecrate,andacoupleofchampagnebaskets.Butwhenhecamebackinsinuatinginaninsolent,swaggeringway,thatsomeofhisthingsweremissing,andwasgoingtosearchtheotherpassengers'baggage,itwastoomuch,andtheythrewhimoverboard.Theywatchedlongandwonderinglyforhimtocomeup,butnotevenabubbleroseonthequietlyebbingtide.Butwhileeveryonewasmostabsorbedingazingovertheside,andtheinterestwasmomentarilyincreasing,itwasobservedwithconsternationthatthevesselwasadriftandtheanchorcablehanginglimpfromthebow.Thenintheship'sdimmedandancientlogwefindthisquaintnote:
"Intimeitwasdiscouveredytyetroblesomepassengerhaddegonnedowneandgotyeanchor,andtokeyesameandsoldeittoyedamsauvagesfromyeinterior,sayingythehaddefoundeit,yesonneofaghun!
"
Yetthisancestorhadgoodandnobleinstincts,anditiswithpridethatwecalltomindthefactthathewasthefirstwhitepersonwhoeverinterestedhimselfintheworkofelevatingandcivilizingourIndians.
Hebuiltacommodiousjailandputupagallows,andtohisdyingdayheclaimedwithsatisfactionthathehadhadamorerestrainingandelevatinginfluenceontheIndiansthananyotherreformerthatever,laboredamongthem.Atthispointthechroniclebecomeslessfrankandchatty,andclosesabruptlybysayingthattheoldvoyagerwenttoseehisgallowsperformonthefirstwhitemaneverhangedinAmerica,andwhiletherereceivedinjurieswhichterminatedinhisdeath.
Thegreatgrandsonofthe"Reformer"flourishedinsixteenhundredandsomething,andwasknowninourannalsas,"theoldAdmiral,"thoughinhistoryhehadothertitles.Hewaslongincommandoffleetsofswiftvessels,wellarmedand,manned,anddidgreatserviceinhurryingupmerchantmen.Vesselswhichhefollowedandkepthiseagleeyeon,alwaysmadegoodfairtimeacrosstheocean.Butifashipstillloiteredinspiteofallhecoulddo,hisindignationwouldgrowtillhecouldcontainhimselfnolonger--andthenhewouldtakethatshiphomewherehelivedand,keepittherecarefully,expectingtheownerstocomeforit,buttheyneverdid.Andhewouldtrytogettheidlenessandslothoutofthesailorsofthatshipbycompelling,themtotakeinvigoratingexerciseandabath.Hecalledit"walkingaplank."Allthepupilslikedit.Atanyrate,theyneverfoundanyfaultwithitaftertryingit.Whentheownerswerelatecomingfortheirships,theAdmiralalwaysburnedthem,sothattheinsurancemoneyshouldnotbelost.Atlastthisfineoldtarwascutdowninthefulnessofhisyearsandhonors.
Andtoherdyingday,hispoorheart-brokenwidowbelievedthatifhehadbeencutdownfifteenminutessoonerhemighthavebeenresuscitated.
CharlesHenryTwainlivedduringthelatterpartoftheseventeenthcentury,andwasazealousanddistinguishedmissionary.HeconvertedsixteenthousandSouthSeaislanders,andtaughtthemthatadog-toothnecklaceandapairofspectacleswasnotenoughclothingtocometodivineservicein.Hispoorflocklovedhimvery,verydearly;andwhenhisfuneralwasover,theygotupinabody(andcameoutoftherestaurant)withtearsintheireyes,andsaying,onetoanother,thathewasagoodtendermissionary,andtheywishedtheyhadsomemoreofhim.
PAH-GO-TO-WAH-WAH-PUKKETEKEEWIS(Mighty-Hunter-with-a-Hog-Eye)TWAIN
adornedthemiddleoftheeighteenthcentury,andaidedGen.BraddockwithallhishearttoresisttheoppressorWashington.ItwasthisancestorwhofiredseventeentimesatourWashingtonfrombehindatree.
Sofarthebeautifulromanticnarrativeinthemoralstory-booksiscorrect;butwhenthatnarrativegoesontosaythatattheseventeenthroundtheawe-strickensavagesaidsolemnlythatthatmanwasbeingreservedbytheGreatSpiritforsomemightymission,andhedarednotlifthissacrilegiousrifleagainsthimagain,thenarrativeseriouslyimpairstheintegrityofhistory.Whathedidsaywas:
"Itain'tno(hic!
)nouse.'Atman'ssodrunkhecan'tstan'stilllongenoughforamantohithim.I(hic!
)Ican't'fordtofoolawayanymoream'nitiononhim!
"
Thatwaswhyhestoppedattheseventeenthround,anditwas,agoodplainmatter-of-factreason,too,andonethateasilycommendsitselftousbytheeloquent,persuasiveflavorofprobabilitythereisaboutit.
Ialwaysenjoyedthestory-booknarrative,butIfeltamarringmisgivingthateveryIndianatBraddock'sDefeatwhofiredatasoldieracoupleoftimes(twoeasilygrowstoseventeeninacentury),andmissedhim,jumpedtotheconclusionthattheGreatSpiritwasreservingthatsoldierforsomegrandmission;andsoIsomehowfear