Why30isnotthenew20.docx

Why30isnotthenew20.docx

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Why30isnotthenew20

Why30isnotthenew20

MegJay

AbouttheTalk

ClinicalpsychologistMegJayhasaboldmessagefortwentysomethings:

Contrarytopopularbelief,your20sarenotathrowawaydecade.Inthisprovocativetalk,Jaysaysthatjustbecausemarriage,workandkidsarehappeninglaterinlife,doesn’tmeanyoucan’tstartplanningnow.Shegives3piecesofadviceforhowtwentysomethingscanre-claimadulthoodinthedefiningdecadeoftheirlives.

AbouttheSpeaker

Inherbook"TheDefiningDecade,"MegJaysuggeststhatmanytwentysomethingsfeeltrivializedduringwhatisactuallythemosttransformative—anddefining—periodofouradultlives.

AbouttheTranscript

WhenIwasinmy20s,Isawmyveryfirstpsychotherapyclient.IwasaPh.D.studentinclinicalpsychologyatBerkeley.Shewasa26-year-oldwomannamedAlex.NowAlexwalkedintoherfirstsessionwearingjeansandabigslouchytop,andshedroppedontothecouchinmyofficeandkickedoffherflatsandtoldmeshewastheretotalkaboutguyproblems.NowwhenIheardthis,Iwassorelieved.Myclassmategotanarsonistforherfirstclient.（Laughter）AndIgotatwentysomethingwhowantedtotalkaboutboys.ThisIthoughtIcouldhandle.

ButIdidn'thandleit.WiththefunnystoriesthatAlexwouldbringtosession,itwaseasyformejusttonodmyheadwhilewekickedthecandowntheroad."Thirty'sthenew20,"Alexwouldsay,andasfarasIcouldtell,shewasright.Workhappenedlater,marriagehappenedlater,kidshappenedlater,evendeathhappenedlater.TwentysomethingslikeAlexandIhadnothingbuttime.

Butbeforelong,mysupervisorpushedmetopushAlexaboutherlovelife.Ipushedback.

Isaid,"Sure,she'sdatingdown,she'ssleepingwithaknucklehead,butit'snotlikeshe'sgoingtomarrytheguy."

Andthenmysupervisorsaid,"Notyet,butshemightmarrythenextone.Besides,thebesttimetoworkonAlex'smarriageisbeforeshehasone."

That'swhatpsychologistscallan"Aha!

"moment.ThatwasthemomentIrealized,30isnotthenew20.Yes,peoplesettledownlaterthantheyusedto,butthatdidn'tmakeAlex's20sadevelopmentaldowntime.ThatmadeAlex's20sadevelopmentalsweetspot,andweweresittingthereblowingit.ThatwaswhenIrealizedthatthissortofbenignneglectwasarealproblem,andithadrealconsequences,notjustforAlexandherlovelifebutforthecareersandthefamiliesandthefuturesoftwentysomethingseverywhere.

Thereare50milliontwentysomethingsintheUnitedStatesrightnow.We'retalkingabout15percentofthepopulation,or100percentifyouconsiderthatnoone'sgettingthroughadulthoodwithoutgoingthroughtheir20sfirst.

Raiseyourhandifyou'reinyour20s.Ireallywanttoseesometwentysomethingshere.Oh,yay!

Y'all'sawesome.Ifyouworkwithtwentysomethings,youloveatwentysomething,you'relosingsleepovertwentysomethings,Iwanttosee—Okay.Awesome,twentysomethingsreallymatter.

SoIspecializeintwentysomethingsbecauseIbelievethateverysingleoneofthose50milliontwentysomethingsdeservestoknowwhatpsychologists,sociologists,neurologistsandfertilityspecialistsalreadyknow:

thatclaimingyour20sisoneofthesimplest,yetmosttransformative,thingsyoucandoforwork,forlove,foryourhappiness,maybeevenfortheworld.

Thisisnotmyopinion.Thesearethefacts.Weknowthat80percentoflife'smostdefiningmomentstakeplacebyage35.Thatmeansthateightoutof10ofthedecisionsandexperiencesand"Aha!

"momentsthatmakeyourlifewhatitiswillhavehappenedbyyourmid-30s.Peoplewhoareover40,don'tpanic.Thiscrowdisgoingtobefine,Ithink.Weknowthatthefirst10yearsofacareerhasanexponentialimpactonhowmuchmoneyyou'regoingtoearn.WeknowthatmorethanhalfofAmericansaremarriedorarelivingwithordatingtheirfuturepartnerby30.Weknowthatthebraincapsoffitssecondandlastgrowthspurtinyour20sasitrewiresitselfforadulthood,whichmeansthatwhateveritisyouwanttochangeaboutyourself,nowisthetimetochangeit.Weknowthatpersonalitychangesmoreduringyour20sthanatanyothertimeinlife,andweknowthatfemalefertilitypeaksatage28,andthingsgettrickyafterage35.Soyour20sarethetimetoeducateyourselfaboutyourbodyandyouroptions.

Sowhenwethinkaboutchilddevelopment,weallknowthatthefirstfiveyearsareacriticalperiodforlanguageandattachmentinthebrain.It'satimewhenyourordinary,day-to-daylifehasaninordinateimpactonwhoyouwillbecome.Butwhatwehearlessaboutisthatthere'ssuchathingasadultdevelopment,andour20sarethatcriticalperiodofadultdevelopment.

Butthisisn'twhattwentysomethingsarehearing.Newspaperstalkaboutthechangingtimetableofadulthood.Researcherscallthe20sanextendedadolescence.Journalistscoinsillynicknamesfortwentysomethingslike"twixters"and"kidults."It'strue.Asaculture,wehavetrivializedwhatisactuallythedefiningdecadeofadulthood.

LeonardBernsteinsaidthattoachievegreatthings,youneedaplanandnotquiteenoughtime.Isn'tthattrue?

Sowhatdoyouthinkhappenswhenyoupatatwentysomethingontheheadandyousay,"Youhave10extrayearstostartyourlife"?

Nothinghappens.Youhaverobbedthatpersonofhisurgencyandambition,andabsolutelynothinghappens.

Andtheneveryday,smart,interestingtwentysomethingslikeyouorlikeyoursonsanddaughterscomeintomyofficeandsaythingslikethis:

"Iknowmyboyfriend'snogoodforme,butthisrelationshipdoesn'tcount.I'mjustkillingtime."Ortheysay,"EverybodysaysaslongasIgetstartedonacareerbythetimeI'm30,I'llbefine."

Butthenitstartstosoundlikethis:

"My20sarealmostover,andIhavenothingtoshowformyself.IhadabetterrésuméthedayafterIgraduatedfromcollege."

Andthenitstartstosoundlikethis:

"Datinginmy20swaslikemusicalchairs.Everybodywasrunningaroundandhavingfun,butthensometimearound30itwaslikethemusicturnedoffandeverybodystartedsittingdown.Ididn'twanttobetheonlyoneleftstandingup,sosometimesIthinkImarriedmyhusbandbecausehewastheclosestchairtomeat30."

Wherearethetwentysomethingshere?

Donotdothat.

Okay,nowthatsoundsalittleflip,butmakenomistake,thestakesareveryhigh.Whenalothasbeenpushedtoyour30s,thereisenormousthirtysomethingpressuretojump-startacareer,pickacity,partnerup,andhavetwoorthreekidsinamuchshorterperiodoftime.Manyofthesethingsareincompatible,andasresearchisjuststartingtoshow,simplyharderandmorestressfultodoallatonceinour30s.

Thepost-millennialmidlifecrisisisn'tbuyingaredsportscar.It'srealizingyoucan'thavethatcareeryounowwant.It'srealizingyoucan'thavethatchildyounowwant,oryoucan'tgiveyourchildasibling.Toomanythirtysomethingsandfortysomethingslookatthemselves,andatme,sittingacrosstheroom,andsayabouttheir20s,"WhatwasIdoing?

WhatwasIthinking?

"

Iwanttochangewhattwentysomethingsaredoingandthinking.

Here'sastoryabouthowthatcango.It'sastoryaboutawomannamedEmma.At25,Emmacametomyofficebecauseshewas,inherwords,havinganidentitycrisis.Shesaidshethoughtshemightliketoworkinartorentertainment,butshehadn'tdecidedyet,soshe'dspentthelastfewyearswaitingtablesinstead.Becauseitwascheaper,shelivedwithaboyfriendwhodisplayedhistempermorethanhisambition.Andashardasher20swere,herearlylifehadbeenevenharder.Sheoftencriedinoursessions,butthenwouldcollectherselfbysaying,"Youcan'tpickyourfamily,butyoucanpickyourfriends."

Welloneday,Emmacomesinandshehangsherheadinherlap,andshesobbedformostofthehour.She'djustboughtanewaddressbook,andshe'dspentthemorningfillinginhermanycontacts,butthenshe'dbeenleftstaringatthatemptyblankthatcomesafterthewords"Incaseofemergency,pleasecall...."Shewasnearlyhystericalwhenshelookedatmeandsaid,"Who'sgoingtobethereformeifIgetinacarwreck?

Who'sgoingtotakecareofmeifIhavecancer?

"

Nowinthatmoment,ittookeverythingIhadnottosay,"Iwill."ButwhatEmmaneededwasn'tsometherapistwhoreally,reallycared.Emmaneededabetterlife,andIknewthiswasherchance.IhadlearnedtoomuchsinceIfirstworkedwithAlextojustsittherewhileEmma'sdefiningdecadewentparadingby.

Sooverthenextweeksandmonths,ItoldEmmathreethingsthateverytwentysomething,maleorfemale,deservestohear.

First,ItoldEmmatoforgetabouthavinganidentitycrisisandgetsomeidentitycapital.Bygetidentitycapital,Imeandosomethingthataddsvaluetowhoyouare.Dosomethingthat'saninvestmentinwhoyoumightwanttobenext.Ididn'tknowthefutureofEmma'scareer,andnooneknowsthefutureofwork,butIdoknowthis:

Identitycapitalbegetsidentitycapital.Sonowisthetimeforthatcross-countryjob,thatinternship,thatstartupyouwanttotry.I'mnotdiscountingtwentysomethingexplorationhere,butIamdiscountingexplorationthat'snotsupposedtocount,which,bytheway,isnotexploration.That'sprocrastination.ItoldEmmatoexploreworkandmakeitcount.

Second,ItoldEmmathattheurbantribeisoverrated.Bestfriendsaregreatforgivingridestotheairport,buttwentysomethingswhohuddletogetherwithlike-mindedpeerslimitwhotheyknow,whattheyknow,howtheythink,howtheyspeak,andwheretheywork.Thatnewpieceofcapital,thatnewpersontodatealmostalwayscomesfro