大学英语四级作文范文讲评.docx
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大学英语四级作文范文讲评
大学英语四级作文范文讲评
大学英语四级作文范文讲评
作文题目:
“WomenintheModernWorld”
提纲:
1.Womenareplayinganincreasinglyimportantpartinsocietytoday.____________
2.Withthechangesintheirsocialrole,women’spositioninthefamilyhasbeenimprovedaswell.___________________
3.Inspiteofthesechanges,theliberationofwomenhasnotbeencompletelyrealized.
___________________________
例1.(2分段)
Withthechangesintheirsocialrole,women’spositioninthefamilyhasbeenimprovedaswell.Todayinthefamily,thewifeoftenlotsherhusbandtodosomethingathomebatago,onlywomendidsomething.Menarefonedofdoingsomethingathome.
东方教育点评:
条理不清,思路紊乱,大部分句子均有错误,有的甚至影响理解。
具体问题剖析:
(1)缺乏逻辑,东一句西一句,没有围绕中心论述,如第一段就没有展开论述妇女社会角色的转变,说得太笼统而缺乏说服力。
(2)用汉语思维,句子有明显的汉语痕迹,如“Whatmencandosocanwomen.”,应改为“Womencandowhatmencando”。
(3)衔接不自然,没有用适当的关联词,如“Sometimes,thematter,thehusbandhittinghaswelf,oftenhappened”,应改为“Thecasethathusbandhitshiswifeoftenhappens.”
(4)拼写错误很多,大部分句子均有错误。
例2.(5分段)
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Inspiteofthesechanges,theliberationofwomenhasnotbeencompletelyrealized.Wealsoshouldrealize,women’likertyarelimited.Forexample,manyfactorieswantmenbecomeitsworkersbutthechanceofwomenislessthanmen.Everyoneshoulddotheirbesttochangethiscondition.I’msure,theliberationofwomenwouldbeincreased.
东方教育点评:
基本切题。
但表示思想不清楚,连贯性差。
有较多的严重语言错误。
具体问题剖析:
(1)各段围绕中心句论述不深入,没有说服力。
(2)衔接不自然,没有用适当的关联词,如第一段几个句子之间能够用一些“besides”、“ontheotherhand”、“furthermore”、“inaddition”等。
(3)语言错误较多,很多句子不通顺,如“Intoday,manywomenhaveawork.”应改为“Today,manywomengetajob.”(滥用介词);“Inancient,women’spositioninfamilyispity”中pity应改为pitiful(词形误用);“Theyhadtolooksaftertheirchildren,dideveryhowhusbandorderedhertodo.”中every改为everything,how改为what(代词错误);“Theyhavetherightofspeakingofidea,discussionthingwithherhusband,dowhatshewantstodo.”应改为“Theyhavetherighttoexpressideas,discussthingswiththeirrespectivehusband,anddowhattheywantto.”(人称代词前后不一致)。
例3.(8分段)
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东方教育点评:
基本切题。
有些地方表示思想不够清楚,文字勉强连贯;语言错误相当多,其中有一些是严重错误。
具体问题剖析:
(1)论证不够深入,缺少事例,缺少说服力。
(2)文字缺连贯、且显累赘,如第二段能够把各句再改得简练一点而且有适当的转承词。
(3)语言错误相当多,如“Foranexample”,“Somewomenarenotsecrtaryintheoffice,instead,theybecomemanagerofacompany.”应改为“Somewomenareonlongersecretariesintheoffice,instead,theybecomemanagersofthecompanies.”(单复数)
例4.(11分段)
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东方教育点评:
切题。
表示思想清楚,文字连贯,用词比较准确,但有少量语言错误,如“Alsoinsomeplaces.Womenareconsideredbeing“thing”belongtomen”,应改为“Alsoinsomeplaces,womenareconsideredbeingthe“things”thatbelongtomen”
例5.(14分段)
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东方教育点评:
切题。
论证充分,有说服力,论证手段丰富(举例、正反)表示思想清楚,语言流畅,词汇丰富,连贯性好。
用词准确,仅有个别小错误。
p.s.由于一些例文错误较多,点评中只是列举了部分的典型错误,而且为了保持原文面貌,编辑没有做过多的改动,因此欢迎大家一起来挑错,有问题和小水一起讨论。
9月考试四级作文题:
TheDayMyClassmateFellIll(orGotInjured)
提纲:
1.简单叙述一下这位同学生病(或受伤)的情况
2.同学、老师和我是如何帮助她/她的
3.人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……
例1.(2分段)
Oneday,weareallinclassroom.Wangfangsaid,Oh!
Weallseeherandfoundthatshewascrying!
Teacherturnedtoaskherwhatwaswrong.Shesaid,Idogotafever,myheadisveryhot!
FengGangsentshetohospital,weallfollowedthey.Inthehospital,doctorWanggiveainjecttoher,shegraduallycalmandnothotasbefore.Weallthankedthedoctor.
东方教育点评:
未能按照题目要求写,没有着重写同学、老师和我是如何帮助她/她的人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……。
条理不清,思路紊乱,大部分句子均有错误,有的甚至影响理解。
原文修改后:
Oneday,whenwewereallinclassroom.,WangfangSuddenlycried,,Oh!
Wealllookedatherandfoundthatshewasgroaning.Teacherturnedtoaskherwhatwaswrong.Shesaid,Ihavegotafever,myheadisveryhot!
Immediately,ourteachersenthertohospital,andweallfollowedthem.Inthehospital,weaskeddoctorWangtogiveaninjectiontoher,andshegraduallybecamecalmandnotashotasbefore.Weallthankedthedoctor.
Thedayhaspassed,butitisclearlyinmymind.Ithinkifwecandothingslikethatintheincident,thesocietywillbebetter,andtherelationshipbetweenpeoplewillbebetteraswell!
例2.(5分段)
Lastweek,liningandIstudiedinclassroom.Suddenly,liningsaidtomethathehadaheadache.Iaskedhetoseedoctor.hesaiditwasnotbad.After5miniuts,liningsaitomehisheadacheveryserious.SoIhelpedhimgotohosptial.
Studentsandteacherheardliningwenttohosptial,allofthemwenttothehosptial.Someteacheraskedliningdontworry,itwillbegood.Somestudentsaskedliningtakecareofhimself.liningsaidthathewasverymoved.
Thoughtthisthings,Ithinkalot.Theworldisbeautiful,becausethelovefilledinit.peoplecanhelpeachotherwhenwhoareintrouble.
东方教育点评:
本文基本切题。
语句衔接不自然,简单句使用得太多,有些表示不太准确,有明显的中文痕迹。
要加强衔接词的运用,单复句的转换,句式的多样化,还有语言基本功的训练。
原文修改后:
Lastweek,LiningandIstudiedinclassroom.Suddenly,liningtoldmethathehadaheadache.Iaskedhimtoseethedoctor.hesaiditwasnotsoserious.After5minutes,Liningtoldmethathisheadachebecameworse.SoIhelpedhimgotohospital.
WhenStudentsandteachersheardthatLininghadgonetohospital,allofthemwenttothehospital.SometeachersaskedLiningnottoworryandtotakecareofhimself.Liningsaidthathewasverymoved.
Throughtthis,Ithinkalot.Theworldisbeautifulbecauseitwasfilledinlove--peoplehelpeachotherintrouble.
例3.(8分段)
Onedaythereisastudentwhowasisolatedforinfectiousdisease.Weandourteachersareconcertingabouthissituation.Buthemustbeisolatedfromusforrelivesingmeasure.
Inthisimportantperiod,wetelephonedtohim,wealsotoldhimthathehadagoodresttime.wesuggestedthathecalluphisfriendswhowerenotkeptintouchbecauseofburdenstudyandreadsomebookswhichheenjoysbuthavenotimetoread.Atlastwetoldhimthathemustgetoverthisfell.
Ithinkweshouldloveeachother.whensomebodyneedshelpweshouldlendouronehandtohim.
东方教育点评:
本文基本切题,也有必要的细节描述。
但有的地方表示不清楚。
有比较多的语言错误。
要注意连接词的使用和句式多样化,长短句能够间隔使用,使用长句时注意语法、力求表示清楚。
具体问题剖析:
(1)全文时态不统一(举例略)。
(2)第二段语句衔接不自然,句式重复,且长句组织起来显得有点凌乱,语法错误相当多。
在原文基础上修改如下:
Inthisimportantperiod,wetelephonedhim,andtoldhimtohaveagoodrest.Besides,weadvisedhimtocalluphisfriendswhowerenotkeptintouchbecauseofburdensomestudy,ontheotherhand,toreadsomebookswhichheenjoyedbuthadnotimetoread.Atlastwetoldhimthathemustovercomethisill.
例4.(11分段)
In1April,oneofmyclassmateswasgetseriouscold.Firstdaywhenhecametoschool,wefoundthathiseyeswereredandhissoundwasrough.Thesecondday,hiscoldwastoobadthathecouldntgotoschool.
Atthattime,therewasaseriousillcalledSARSinourcountry.Itsjustlikebadlycoldandcaninfectedotherseasily.Butourclassmatesdidntgoawayfromhim.Theyseemedmoreclosetohim.Ourclassmateshelpedhimtotakebackbreakfast.Ourteachercametoseehimwithhisnotesbook.HehelpedhimtostudyinorderthathedidntdropbehindmyclassmatesForhewasmybestfriend,Ijustsatonhisbedanddomybesttocomforthim.
AlthoughttherewasSARSaroundus,butIfeltverywarmfromthisthing.Ittoldmethatthelovefromtrueheartcanhelpcomeacrossanydifficult.Wearesoluckythatweliveinabigwarmthfamily.Andnotverylong,myclassmatewasgettinghealthyandcouldcometoschoolagain.Howhappywewere!
东方教育点评:
本文切题,表示思想清楚,文字比较连贯,但有一些语法错误。
具体问题剖析:
全文有一些语法、语言错误,如In1April,oneofmyclassmateswasgetseriouscold.应改为In1April,oneofmyclassmatesgotseriouscold.(时态);Firstdaywhenhecametoschool,应改为Thefirstdaywhenhecametoschool,(介词遗漏);hissoundwasrough.应改为hisvoicewasrough.(用词);AlthoughttherewasSARSaroundus,Ifeltverywarmfromthisthing.应把but去掉(连词);Ittoldmethatthelovefromtrueheartcanhelpcomeacrossanydifficult.应改为Ittoldmethatthelovefromtrueheartcouldhelpcomeacrossanydifficulties.(时态、词性错误);Wearesoluckythatweliveinabigwarmthfamily.应改为Wearesoluckythatweliveinabigwarmfamily.(词性)。
例5.(14分段)
DuringtheSARSperiodinthisspring,theyearof,oneofmyclassmates,Liming,wasstruckdownbythevirusandwasimmediatelysenttohospital.
Thenewsspreadquicklyoncampus.Atfirst,wewereterrifiedandwonderedifwewereinfectedtoo.However,throughourgovernmentspublicityonmassmedia,wegraduallyconqueredthefearandsetouttotryoutbesttohelpher.SometeachersprovideddarlynecessitieswhilesomestudentsrecordedtheEnglishclasscontentsforhimsothatLimingcouldnotbeleftbehind.Withourcareandconcern,Limingrecoveredquickly.
Suchanincidentteachesusagoodmoral.Oursocietyisfulloflove,warmandpeaceful,inwhichpeople-frommantowoman,fromindividualtoindividual-lendothersahand.Justlikeafamoussonggoes,theworldwillturnittoheavenonlyifeveryonecontributesalittle.andIdobelievethatitsmygreathonortoliveinthislove-filledparadise!
东方教育点评:
本文切题,论证丰富生动,表示思想清楚,文字通顺,连贯性较好。
基本上无大的语言错误,仅有个别小错误。
p.s.由于一些例文错误较多,点评中只是列举了部分的典型错误,而且为了保持原文面貌,编辑没有做过多的改动,因此欢迎大家一起来挑错,有问题和小水一起讨论。
9月六级考试作文题:
图表作文,关于一个美国大学图书馆的图书流动量(popfiction,generalnonfiction,science,art等),给出她们的流动比例对比,说明原因,并说明你自己喜欢阅读什么样的书。
例1.(2分段)
此分段标准为条理不清,思路紊乱,大部分句子均有严重错误。
(为了不影响市容,给大家造成负面影响,故此处略去100字……)
例2.(5分段)
Fromthenovel,wecanseethatthestudentslikeread(reading)novel,atthesametime,only(a)smallpartofstudentslikeread(reading)scienceandart.
Thereasonto(for)thisisnovelisintereting(interesting),studentslikereadingit.Mostofthestudentsreadtoomuch(many)majorbookswhentheyhaveclasses,sotheywanttoreadsome(something)interesting(when)theyhavetime.Novelcanletthemrelax(relaxed).Sotheychoosenovel.
Ilikeread(reading)novel,byreadingitIknowalotofthings,Ialsorelaxmybrains.SoIchoosethenovel.
东方教育点评: