好汉两个半第六季TwoandaHalfMen中英剧本.docx
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好汉两个半第六季TwoandaHalfMen中英剧本第一集
瞧他他能用大拇指一分钟打80字Lookathim.Hecantype80wordsaminutewithhisthumb
撒个尿却总要溅到浴帘上buthecan'tpeewithouthittingtheshowercurtain.
好在打字是门职业技能而撒尿不是Fortunately,typingisajobskillandpeeingisnot.
伙计搞什么鬼?
Oh,dude,WTF?
老天怎么了?
Oh,geez.What?
那边那女的我们约会过Thatwomanoverthere.Weusedtogoout.
但没善始善终?
Diditnotendwell?
对我来说挺好Itwentfineforme.
但回想起来Although,inretrospect
我们分手那会儿我该再机智敏感些IguessIcouldhavehandledourpartingwithalittlemore
tactandsensitivityandalittleless
少跟她闺蜜上床youknow,bangingherbestfriend.
老天!
Oh,God!
她朋友是个双关节的性变态还有恋父情结...Hey,hey,herfriendwasadoublejointedsex
freakwithdaddyissues
我还能怎么办?
whatwasIsupposedtodo?
说的对你的手太累了You'reright.Yourhandsweretied.
那也是个原因That,too.
这是多久以前的事了?
So,howlongagowasthis?
跟她还是她朋友?
因为时间上有点重叠Herorthefriend?
'Causetherewasabriefoverlap.
就说她吧Let'sgowithher.
我记不太清了八九年吧Idon'tknow.Eight,nineyears.
或许她已经忘了这回事Somaybeshe'soverit.
或许还没有Ormaybenot.
好汉两个半:
第六季第1集后期:
wqswqswswqs2.5MenSeason06
Episode01
我的计划是这样的t,here'stheplan.
我躲到卫生间去I'mgonnagotothebathroom.
你数到十然后像小妞那样尖叫Youcounttoten,thenscreamlikeagirl
接着对杰克使用海姆利克氏操作法（使堵住喉咙的异物吐出的急救措施）andstartgivingJake
theHeimlichmaneuver.
别胡扯了Don'tberidiculous.
查理?
Charlie?
但如果她把手伸进包里我就拿这个小呆瓜当挡箭牌Okay,butifshereachesintoherpurse,
I'musingnumbnutsasahumanshield.
嗨克丽茜好久不见Hey,Chrissy.Longtime.
我知道Iknow.
好久好久了Yep,long,longtime.
对啊Yeah.
时间是最好的疗伤药对吧?
Timeisagreathealer,isn'tit?
对某些事来说是Ofsomethings.
你有了新的事业恭喜你Hey,congratulationsonyournewcareer.
谢谢Thankyou.
查理哈珀是个儿歌明星真难以置信It'shardtobelieveCharlieHarperisachildren'ssinging
star.
你知道我有多喜欢孩子...Well,youknowhowmuchIlovekid...
对好久好久之前Yep,along,longtime.
看起来你的小家伙很喜欢听音乐Lookslikeyourlittleguyenjoysmusic.
对他热爱音乐Oh,yeah,helovesit.
实际上他钢琴弹得也不错He'sactuallyquitethepianoplayer,too.
钢琴?
听见了没查理?
Piano?
Youhearthat,Charlie?
这小伙子跟你一样会弹钢琴Theyoungmanplayspianojustlikeyou.
弹钢琴的小孩多得是Lotsofkidsplaypiano.
你还住在韦斯特伍德?
So,youstilllivinginWestwood?
对还在那儿Yeah.Stillthere.
我们刚开车过来准备去海边玩Wejustdrovedowntospendthedayatthebeach.
是啊沙滩Oh,sure.Thebeach.
观光的好地方但你不会想住在那儿Niceplacetovisit,butyouwouldn'twanttolivethere.
实际上我就住那儿也不是那么糟糕Actually,Idolivethere;it'snotthatbad.
对我们该走了很高兴见到你Right.Well,weshouldgetgoing.Itwasniceseeingyou.
我也很高兴见到你Nicetoseeyou,too.
走吧查克Comeon,Chuck.
查克Chuck.
我听见了Iheardit.
叫查克的小孩多得是LotsofkidsnamedChuck.
那是查理的昵称对吧?
It'sanicknameforCharles,isn'tit?
查兹查得查咳查理这些都是你想说什么?
SoareChaz,Chad,ChickandCharlie.What'syour
point?
没什么只是你跟那个女人九年没联系了Nopoint.It'sjustthatyouhaven'tseenthatwoman
innineyears
而小查克...andlittleChuckis,uh...
你猜小查克几岁?
Well,howolddoyousupposelittleChuckis?
这有什么区别?
Whatdifferencedoesitmake?
我猜小查克大概...Well,I'dsaylittleChuckis,uh...
七八岁误差不会超过九个月sevenoreightyearsold,giveortakeninemonths.
你在暗示什么?
Whatareyouimplying?
我不明白你什么意思'CauseIdon'tknowwhatyou'retalkingabout.
你不知道?
Youdon't?
我不想明白Okay,Ichoosenotto.
该死!
老爸快点儿我们得回家去!
JAKE:
Oh,crap!
Dad,quick,wegottagohome!
为啥怎么了?
Why,what'swrong?
我电池没电了Mybatterydied.
等等我只是不小心关机了Oh,no,wait.Ijustturneditoffbyaccident.
如果我有个智能手机就不会这样了Thiswouldn'thappenifIhadasmartphone.
还用我说出来么?
DoIevenneedtosayit?
只是我的感觉还是那小孩长的真有点儿像查理叔叔?
Soisitjustmeordidthatkidkindof
looklikeUncleCharlie?
*摇篮里的猫儿*（关于父子关系的歌）*Andthecat'sinthecradle*
*和银勺子**Andthesilverspoon*
*忧伤的小男孩和...*Littleboyblueandthemanonthemoon*
闭嘴艾伦Shutup,Alan.
*当你回家的时候...*Whenyoucominghome,Dad?
Idon'tknowwhen...*
一点儿都不好笑It'snotfunny.
或许不能让人哈哈大笑但肯定可以嘻嘻偷笑了Well,maybenotfunnyhaha,butcertainly
funnyheehee.
那孩子一点儿都不像我Thatboywasnothinglikeme.
他还没有耳毛和威士忌的口气Well,hedidn'thaveearhairandwhiskeybreath
但我想他会朝那个方向成长的butI'mguessinghe'llgrowintothat.
怎么了?
What'sgoingon?
貌似这个老精子机Well,itwouldappearthattheol'spermonatorhere...
造出了个孩子hasfatheredachild.
我没有Ididnot.
你怎么敢肯定?
Howcanyoubesosure?
我从不会不穿雨衣雨鞋就在雨里玩'CauseIneverplayintherainwithoutaslickerand
galoshes.
我有点糊涂了雨鞋是怎么回事?
I'mconfused.Wheredothegaloshesgo?
那只是打个比方It'sjustafigureofspeech.
该做预防措施的时候我都做到位了Everythingthatneedstobecoverediscoveredwhen,you
know,coveringisappropriate.
我没问你的人生故事Ididn'taskforyourlifestory.
我只是不明白雨鞋的事Iwasjustconfusedaboutthegaloshes.
查理避孕套的成功率只有98%Youknow,Charlie,evencondomsareonly98%effective.
才不是That'snottrue.
不是才怪Thehellitisn't.
你从来不看包装盒么?
Haven'tyoueverreadthepackage?
谁会看包装盒啊?
Whoreadsthepackage?
又不是麦片盒It'snotlikeacerealbox.
你不会边吃边看Youdon'treaditwhileyou'reeating.
恶心Yikes.
拜托查理算算吧Comeon,Charlie,dothemath.
你跟那个女人九年没见她有个八岁大的儿子Youhaven'tseenthewomaninnineyearsand
she'sgotaneightyearold.
那又怎么样?
Sowhat?
你带个十岁的儿子出现在我门前而我十一年没见你了Youshowedupatmydoorwitha
tenyearoldandIhadn'tseenyouin11years.
是不是就说明那个土豆脑袋是我俩的私生子?
Doesthatmeantaterheadisourlovechild?
好吧你就别承认Allright,fine,stayindenial.
小查克不可能是你儿子There'snowaylittleChuckisyourson.
查克?
Chuck?
叫查克会弹钢琴莫名其妙长得像我的小孩多得是Hey,hey,lotsofkidsarenamedChuck,
playthepianoandlookdisturbinglylikeme.
他说得对He'sright.
实际上我们没意识到这个问题才奇怪Infact,I'msurprisedwe'renotuptoourassesin'em.
嗨拉塞尔?
Hey,Russell?
我忙着呢I'mbusy.
我想问个关于这些套套的问题I'vegotaquestionaboutthesecondoms.
跟你说过了查理我已经给你最优惠的批发价了Itoldyou,Charlie,I'mgivingyouthebest
bulkrateIcan.
我知道但我想问的是...Iknow,butthat'snotwhatIwas...
价钱上我竞争不过大型连锁店There'sjustnowayIcancompetewiththebigchainstores.
我理解Iunderstand.
因此我用个人服务来弥补SoImakeitupinpersonalservice.
我相信你做到了I'msureyoudo.
我不可能把那玩意包装打开亲自替你戴上Imean,I'mnotgoingtounrollthedamnthings
andput'emonforyou
但除了这一点其他就交给我吧butshortofthat,I'vegotyourback.
不胜感激AndIappreciateit.
但我想问的不是这个Butthat'snotwhatIwasaskingabout.
查理日子不好过啊Charlie,timesaretough.
人们不再从附近友好的药剂师那儿买药了Peopledon'tgettheirdrugsfromtheirfriendly
neighborhoodpharmacistanymore.
他们都从网上买了TheygoontheInternet.
我知道Iknow.
就信任邮差送来的心脏病药跟大便松弛剂吧Sure,trustyourmailmanwithyourheart
medicineandstoolsofteners.
拉塞尔你又在吸那些免费样品了吗?
Russell,haveyoubeenhittin'thefreesamplesagain?
你是谁啊条子吗?
Whatareyou,acop?
我只是有点担心你No,I'mjustalittleconcernedaboutyou.
如果你真那么担心就帮帮我吧Well,ifyou'resoconcerned,helpmeoutalittlebit.
你为什么不偶尔买个放大镜或者护颈支架什么的?
Whydon'tyoubuysomereadingglasses
oraneckbraceonceinawhile.
随便啦看在上帝份上买包彩虹糖也好Sure,whatever.AbagofSkittlesforGod'ssake.
避孕套的收益真是微乎其微Youknow,'causemymarginoncondomsisbubkes.
说到避孕套Yeah,well,speakingofcondoms
我只想知道是不是即使戴着避孕套也会让女人怀孕Ijustwanttoknowifsomebodycould
getpregnantevenifyouwerewearingacondom.
你跟那个卖椒盐卷饼的女士聊过?
HaveyoubeentalkingtotheWetzel'sPretzelslady?
我只是顺路送她回家真没别的BecauseIjustgaveheraridehome,that'sit.
不我是说一般情况下No,no,no,no,Imeaningeneral.
避孕套不管用的几率有多大?
Whataretheoddsthatacondomwouldn'twork?
有很多因素呢Well,thereareanumberofthingstofactorin.
来点儿咳嗽糖浆?
Oh,coughsyrup?
我不咳嗽Idon'thaveacough.
我也不咳嗽NeitherdoI.
总之避孕套Anyway,condoms.
无论何时你使用人工产品Wheneveryou'redealingwithamanufacturedproduct
制作流程中难免有失误there'salwaysgoingtobeflawsintheprocess.
但他们出厂前或是进去前不都是被检测过的么?
Yeah,butaren'ttheysupposedtobetested
beforetheygoout?
Orin?
当然但不能每个都检测Well,sure,buttheydon'ttesteveryone.
不能吗?
Theydon't?
手淫貌似越来越好了吧?
Masturbating'slookingbetterandbetter,huh?
那说到底你的意思是即使我用了避孕套Okay,okay,sobottomline,whatyou'resayingis
evenifI'mwearingacondom
也是有可能让人怀孕的?
there'sachanceIcouldgetsomeonepregnant?
你没上八年级的生理卫生课吗查理?
Didyoumisseighthgradehealthclass,Charlie?
得了吧谁上生理卫生课啊?
Oh,comeon,whowenttohealthclass?
会有某个自我治疗的药剂师Well,amongstothers,acertainselfmedicatingpharmacist
他为三个不同的女人支付赡养费whopaysalimonytothreedifferentwomen
但不用在子女抚养上花一分钱butnotonepennyinchildsupport.
为了将来在参考用动物肠道Allright,allright,forfuturereference
薄膜做的那种避孕套怎么样?
whataboutlambskin?
是不是更有效?
Aretheymoreeffective?
不比你用的橡胶制品更好Well,um,lesssothanyourlatexproduct.
现在我不得不停用了因为那股味让我的猫变得狂暴NowIhadtostopwearingthemmyself
becausesomethingaboutthesmellmademycatgoberserk.
那是个有趣的小故事Itkindofacutestory.
我不...我不想听Idon't...Idon'twanttohearit.
不是爱猫的人是吧?
Notacatperson,huh?
我也不是了I'mnoteitheranymore.
谢谢拉塞尔再见Allright,well,thanks,Russell.I'llseeya.
就...就这样了?
ThThThat'sit?
你什么都不买?
我们这儿有威孚球棒You'renotgoingtobuyanything?
We'vegotWiffleball
bats.
或许你的小私生子喜欢威孚球棒MaybeyourlittlebastardwouldlikeaWiffleballbat.
计划生育Childproof.
你还好吧?
Youallright?
不很不好No,Iamnot.
怎么了?
What'sgoingon?
艾伦我一直用三条准则来"规范"我的性生活Alan,Ihavealwaysconductedmysexlife
accordingtothreesimpleprinciples.
第一尽可能上女的（有一集查理找了一个变性的）One:
ifatallpossible,ladiesfirst.
第二事后道歉比事前询问简单（先上了再道歉）Two:
it'seasiertobeforgiventhanask
permission.
第三也是最重要的Andthird,andmostimportant:
花十秒钟带套远比花十年thetensecondsittakestoputonacondombeatsthehelloutofthe
tenyears
假装喜欢足球要划得来（因为要跟儿子玩）youhavetopretendtolikesoccer.
除非套套破了Exceptwhentheydon'twork.
包装盒上面的"不保证"字样太小了（==+）Stupidtinydisclaimeronthesideofthebox.
他们应该在套套顶上用大字体表明（在套套顶上有一个储藏精液的设计可以减少压力而减
少破裂几率）They
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