Babes In The Jungle.docx

Babes In The Jungle.docx

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BabesInTheJungle

BabesInTheJungle

MontagueSilver,thefineststreetmanandartgrafterintheWest,saystomeonceinLittleRock:

"Ifyoueverloseyourmind,Billy,andgettoooldtodohonestswindlingamonggrownmen,gotoNewYork.IntheWestasuckerisborneveryminute;butinNewYorktheyappearinchunksofroe-youcan'tcount'em!

"

TwoyearsafterwardIfoundthatIcouldn'trememberthenamesoftheRussianadmirals,andInoticedsomegrayhairsovermyleftear;soIknewthetimehadarrivedformetotakeSilver'sadvice.

IstruckNewYorkaboutnoononeday,andtookawalkupBroadway.AndIrunagainstSilverhimself,allencompassedupinaspaciouskindofhaberdashery,leaningagainstahotelandrubbingthehalf-moonsonhisnailswithasilkhandkerchief.

"Paresisorsuperannuated?

"Iaskshim.

"Hello,Billy,"saysSilver;"I'mgladtoseeyou.Yes,itseemedtomethattheWestwasaccumulatingalittletoomuchwiseness.I'vebeensavingNewYorkfordessert.Iknowit'salow-downtricktotakethingsfromthesepeople.Theyonlyknowthisandthatandpasstoandfroandthinkeverandanon.I'dhateformymothertoknowIwasskinningtheseweak-mindedones.Sheraisedmebetter."

"Isthereacrushalreadyinthewaitingroomsoftheolddoctorthatdoesskingrafting?

"Iasks.

"Well,no,"saysSilver;"youneedn'tbackEpidermistowintoday.I'veonlybeenhereamonth.ButI'mreadytobegin;andthemembersofWillieManhattan'sSundaySchoolclass,eachofwhomhasvolunteeredtocontributeaportionofcuticletowardthisrehabilitation,mayaswellsendtheirphotostotheEveningDaily.

"I'vebeenstudyingthetown,"saysSilver,"andreadingthepaperseveryday,andIknowitaswellasthecatintheCityHallknowsanO'Sullivan.Peoplehereliedownonthefloorandscreamandkickwhenyouaretheleastbitslowabouttakingmoneyfromthem.ComeupinmyroomandI'lltellyou.We'llworkthetowntogether,Billy,forthesakeofoldtimes."

Silvertakesmeupinahotel.Hehasaquantityofirrelevantobjectslyingabout.

"There'smorewaysofgettingmoneyfromthesemetropolitanhayseeds,"saysSilver,"thanthereisofcookingriceinCharleston,S.C.They'llbiteatanything.Thebrainsofmostof'emcommute.Thewisertheyareinintelligencethelessperceptionofcognizancetheyhave.Why,didin'tamantheotherdaysellJ.P.MorgananoilportraitofRockefeller,Jr.,forAndreadelSarto'scelebratedpaintingoftheyoungSaintJohn!

"Youseethatbundleofprintedstuffinthecorner,Billy?

That'sgoldminingstock.Istartedoutonedaytosellthat,butIquititintwohours.Why?

Gotarrestedforblockingthestreet.Peoplefoughttobuyit.Isoldthepolicemanablockofitonthewaytothestation-house,andthenItookitoffthemarket.Idon'twantpeopletogivemetheirmoney.Iwantsomelittleconsiderationconnectedwiththetransactiontokeepmypridefrombeinghurt.Iwant'emtoguessthemissingletterinChic-go,ordrawtoapairofninesbeforetheypaymeacentofmoney.

"Nowthere'sanotherlittleschemethatworkedsoeasyIhadtoquitit.Youseethatbottleofblueinkonthetable?

Itattooedananchoronthebackofmyhandandwenttoabankandtold'emIwasAdmiralDewey'snephew.Theyofferedtocashmydraftonhimforathousand,butIdidn'tknowmyuncle'sfirstname.Itshows,though,whataneasytownitis.Asforburglars,theywon'tgoinahousenowunlessthere'sahotsupperreadyandafewcollegestudentstowaiton'em.They'resluggingcitizensallovertheupperpartofthecityandIguess,takingthetownfromendtoend,it'saplaincaseofassaultandBattery."

"Monty,"saysI,whenSilverhadslacked,up,"youmayhaveManhattancorrectlydiscriminatedinyourperorative,butIdoubtit.I'veonlybeenintowntwohours,butitdon'tdawnuponmethatit'sourswithacherryinit.Thereain'tenoughrusinurbeaboutittosuitme.I'dbeagooddealmuchbettersatisfiedifthecitizenshadastrawormoreintheirhair,andrunmoretovelveteenvestsandbuckeyewatchcharms.Theydon'tlookeasytome."

"You'vegotit,Billy,"saysSilver."Allemigrantshaveit.NewYork'sbiggerthanLittleRockorEurope,anditfrightensaforeigner.You'llbeallright.ItellyouIfeellikeslappingthepeopleherebecausetheydon'tsendmealltheirmoneyinlaundrybaskets,withgermicidesprinkledoverit.Ihatetogodownonthestreettogetit.Whowearsthediamondsinthistown?

Why,Winnie,theWiretapper'swife,andBella,theBuncosteerer'sbride.NewYorkerscanbeworkedeasierthanablueroseonatidy.TheonlythingthatbothersmeisIknowI'llbreakthecigarsinmyvestpocketwhenIgetmyclothesallfulloftwenties."

"Ihopeyouareright,Monty,"saysI;"butIwishallthesameIhadbeensatisfiedwithasmallbusinessinLittleRock.Thecropoffarmersisneversoshortouttherebutwhatyoucangetafewof'emtosignapetitionforanewpostofficethatyoucandiscountfor$200atthecountybank.Thepeoplehearappeartopossessinstinctsofself-preservationandilliberality.Ifearmethatwearenotculturedenoughtotacklethisgame."

"Don'tworry,"saysSilver."I'vegotthisJayville-near-TarrytowncorrectlyestimatedassureasNorthRiveristheHudsonandEastRiverain'tariver.Why,therearepeoplelivinginfourblocksofBroadwaywhoneversawanykindofabuildingexceptaskyscraperintheirlives!

Agood,livehustlingWesternmanoughttogetconspicuousenoughhereinsideofthreemonthstoincureitherJerome'sclemencyorLawson'sdispleasure."

"Hyperboleaside,"saysI,"doyouknowofanyimmediatesystemofbuncoingthecommunityoutofadollarortwoexceptbyapplyingtotheSalvationArmyorhavingafitonMissHelenGould'sdoorsteps?

"

"Dozensof'em,"saysSilver."Howmuchcapitalhaveyougot,Billy?

"

"Athousand,"Itoldhim.

"I'vegot$1,200,"sayshe."We'llpoolanddoabigpieceofbusiness.There'ssomanywayswecanmakeamillionthatIdon'tknowhowtobegin."

ThenextmorningSilvermeetsmeatthehotelandheisallsonorousandstirredwithakindofsilentjoy.

"We'retomeetJ.P.Morganthisafternoon,"sayshe."AmanIknowinthehotelwantstointroduceus.He'safriendofhis.HesayshelikestomeetpeoplefromtheWest."

"Thatsoundsniceandplausible,"saysI."I'dliketoknowMr.Morgan."

"Itwon'thurtusabit,"saysSilver,"togetacquaintedwithafewfinancekings.IkindoflikethesocialwayNewYorkhaswithstrangers."

ThemanSilverknewwasnamedKlein.Atthreeo'clockKleinbroughthisWallStreetfriendtoseeusinSilver'sroom."Mr.Morgan"lookedsomelikehispictures,andhehadaTurkishtowelwrappedaroundhisleftfoot,andhewalkedwithacane.

"Mr.SilverandMr.Pescud,"saysKlein."Itsoundssuperfluous,"sayshe,"tomentionthenameofthegreatestfinancial-"

"Cutitout,Klein,"saysMr.Morgan."I'mgladtoknowyougents;ItakegreatinterestintheWest.Kleintellsmeyou'refromLittleRock.IthinkI'vearailroadortwoouttheresomewhere.IfeitherofyouguyswouldliketodealahandortwoofstudpokerI-"

"Now,Pierpont,"cutsinKlein,"youforget!

"

"Excuseme,gents!

"saysMorgan;"sinceI'vehadthegoutsobadIsometimesplayasocialgameofcardsatmyhouse.NeitherofyouneverknewOne-eyedPeters,didyou,whileyouwasaroundLittleRock?

HelivedinSeattle,NewMexico."

Beforewecouldanswer,Mr.Morganhammersonthefloorwithhiscanandbeginstowalkupanddown,swearinginaloudtoneofvoice.

"Theyhavebeenpoundingyourstocksto-dayontheStreet,Pierpont?

"asksKlein,smiling.

"Stocks!

No!

"roarsMr.Morgan."It'sthatpictureIsentanagenttoEuropetobuy.Ijustthoughtaboutit.Hecabledmeto-daythatitain'ttobefoundinallItaly.I'dpay$50,000to-morrowforthatpicture-yes,$75,000.Igivetheagentalacarteinpurchasingit.IcannotunderstandwhytheartgallerieswillallowaDeVinchyto-"

"Why,Mr.Morgan,"saysklein;"IthoughtyouownedalloftheDeVinchypaintings."

"Whatisthepicturelike,Mr.Morgan?

"asksSilver."ItmustbeasbigasthesideoftheFlatironBuilding."

"I'mafraidyourarteducationisonthebum,Mr.Silver,"saysMorgan."Thepictureis27inchesby42;anditiscalled'Love'sIdleHour.'Itrepresentsanumberofcloakmodelsdoingthetwo-steponthebankofapurpleriver.Thecablegramsaiditmighthavebeenbroughttothiscountry.Mycollectionwillneverbecompletewithoutthatpicture.Well,solong,gents;usfinanciersmustkeepearlyhours."

Mr.MorganandKleinwentawaytogetherinacab.MeandSilvertalkedabouthowsimpleandunsuspectinggreatpeoplewas;andSilversaidwhatashameitwouldbetotrytorobamanlikeMr.Morgan;andIsaidIthoughtitwouldberatherimprudent,myself.Kleinproposesastrollafterdinner;andmeandhimandSilverwalksdowntowardSeventhAvenuetoseethesights.Kleinseesapairofcufflinksthatinstigatehisadmirationinapawnshopwindow,andweallgoinwhilehebuys'em.

AfterwegotbacktothehotelandKleinhadgone,Silverjumpsatmeandwaveshishands.

"Didyouseeit?

"sayshe."Didyouseeit,Billy?

"

"What?

"Iasks.

"Why,thatpicturethatMorganwants.It'shanginginthatpawnshop,behindthedesk.Ididn'tsayanythingbecauseKleinwasthere.It'sthearticlesureasyoulive.

Thegirlsareasnaturalaspaintcanmakethem,allmeasuring36and25and42skirts,iftheyhadanyskirts,andthey'redoingabuck-and-wingonthebankofariverwiththeblues.WhatdidMr.Morgansayhe'dgiveforit?

Oh,don'tmakemetellyou.Theycan'tknowwhatitisinthatpawnshop."

Whenthepawnshopopenedthenex